An Exorcism of Sorts

While, I was initially on a bit of a high after completing my final chemo cycle, I've got to admit this cycle #6 took me down insanely hard and insanely fast.  Three days straight of being in bed.  I cannot even find words to describe the exhaustion.  I've thrown up.  My body aches and has had the chills/convulsions. The chemicals are finding their way out of my body anyway they can: mostly through diarrhea and sweating. My body hates me and it is fighting back. I literally felt like I was dying.  Okay, I know that sounds dramatic, but indeed I thought I was dying.  Chemo is essentially a poison that goes after all the bad cells, and frankly some of the good cells.  I was quite sure someone had gotten the dosage wrong and I had been poisoned.  I'll spare you from the details (you know if I'm sparing you from the details it was bad!), but I went through all the stages of grief in the bathroom the other night.

1. Denial - This isn't happening.  It's in your head, Julie.  Stay mentally tough.  You are at the end, you can do this!

2. Anger - You've made it this far and you are going to die now?  WTF is that Julie?  Suck it up!  Stupid f'n cancer.  I hate you!  I HATE YOU! 

3. Bargaining - Okay, God if you let me live through tonight, I promise I will watch what I eat.  Be a better mom.  Be a better wife.  Just make the pain stop.  Make the muscle tension and uncontrollable shaking stop. PLEASE!  I will never eat {fill in the blank with basically everything here - because it seems like everything is related to causing cancer} again. Please take this cancer away from me forever.  I cannot handle this again.  Make it stop!    

4. Depression - This is it.  I'm dying.  And my husband and son are going to be heart broken.  They deserve so much better.  I've fought this hard and it's all come down to some one accidentally poisoning me.  Is this really the way I am going to go out?

5.  Acceptance - This stage came around 1:30am when I could finally drag myself to bed and eventually passed out from exhaustion.  Oh, the sweet relief of sleep after one of the worst nights of my life.  

I'm curious if anyone else responded to their chemo like this?  I've handled all my other treatments relatively well, but this last one almost did me in.  I felt like they took me to the brink of dying, which I suppose is the entire point of chemo. Perhaps they upped my dose again because of my weight gain?  Perhaps my body had just had enough abuse and wasn't going to take much more? Perhaps the last 5 cycles had damaged my body enough where this one just wasn't as easily accepted. My friend, Jenny, described this episode as an exorcism ~ clearly, she knows the feeling of it all too well (thanks for those words Jenny Parker!  They hit the nail on the head).  

The good news: I'M FINISHED. God willing.  I made it! I keep doing silent cheers in my head and reminding Richard we made it through.  It feels good.  But, there is always that 'dark cloud' of "God willing." I know I should say that phrase with grace and faith, but I don't. I still feel like I'm on borrowed time, but for now I'll take it.  Off to live life.  Thankful to be alive today, in more ways than one!