God, Just Help Me Make It Through the Day... Amen.

Last night was rough.  The endorphins of the cancer diagnosis has worn off.  Our mom's have gone home.  The high of the clean nodes news has worn off.  I'm tired. And my anxiety is THROUGH.THE.ROOF.  Last night I went to bed and called Richard in to lay down with me.  I just couldn't stand being alone with all the anxiety.  He asked me what I was anxious about and I couldn't even tell him.  I'm anxious about LIFE.  All of it.

Here's the the thing:  Estrogen helps regulate your mood and anxiety.  After my hysterectomy, I was put on hormone replacement therapy and that was working great.  But I don't get that option anymore.  Oh, and I had a mastectomy.  And a surprise breast cancer diagnosis.  And I hurt.  And I have chemo to look forward to and all the awesomeness that brings, like losing my hair, nausea and stomach cramps.  At times, it just seems like too much.  I'm the first to say it is too much.  I will fight through.
I have no choice.  But honestly, right now, it feel like I am just barely making it.  And that's okay.  I'm making it.

You know the point of chemo?  I had never thought about it.  But I'm pretty sure the point is to poison your body enough to kill the cancer and not kill you in the process.  What a fun balancing that act that's going to be {note my sarcasm}.  Yes, I know I should be thankful for chemo and medicine and all that jazz.  But right now, I'm just too tired.

So, last night, Richard and I prayed.  We thanked God for our family and our friends.  We thanked him for our sweet little Mase and Mason's health.  We thanked him for our health.  We asked that he help our family with this transition and the anxiety.  We praised him for the good and asked him to help us deal with the bad.

And, at 2:30 am when I woke up with a hot flash (I have about 1-3 a night that last just a few minutes each), my amazing husband immediately got up and got me a cold neck wrap out of the freezer and opened a window.  There was no rolling over and groggily asking if I needed anything, he just immediately got up and came to my rescue.  Sometimes, he even returns back to bed with a small bowl of frozen grapes (ladies who have hot flashes take note!).  At 2:30 in the morning.  He's that awesome!  He's come to my rescue every second I have needed him the past two weeks.  He is amazing.  I can't wait to share a little about how awesome he has been to me, but again, I am too tired to go into that right now.

And, this morning, I woke up and before getting out of bed, I prayed that God help me make it through the day.  I told myself that in my anxious moments, may I turn to him before I fall apart.  And, I got up and started the day.  I'm tired, but I haven't fallen apart today, and that is a win.

Today We Celebrate!

A few days ago, Richard and I both woke up and we were in a bad head space.  We were sad and both agreed that sleeping was easier than being awake and dealing with this season.  We were literally disappointed that we woke up.  And, then Mase woke up and immediately started asking for his juice and a show and we knew that we didn't have the option to just sleep through this (okay, admittedly, I went to back to sleep, Richard didn't have that luxury).

We were disappointed we woke up.  Goodness, it pains me to even write those words!  But, I wanted to share them, because I've committed to sharing this journey ~ all of it.  The good, the bad, the gross and the ugly.  So, there you have it.  I'm happy to say that thought quickly faded.  We realize each day is a gift.

We also hated phone calls.  It seemed every time the phone rang, we were getting bad news: The tumor was cancerous.  We would need another surgery to do a node dissection.  The cancer is hormone receptor negative.  We'll need to install a port.  You will need chemo.  You will lose your hair.  It was all getting to be too much!

Today, we celebrate!  This morning, I got a call that my auxiliary nodes were clear!  WhooHoo!  That means the cancer was contained in my breast.  And, since my breast is gone, so is the cancer!  (I will still need chemo, due to some of the characteristics of my cancer, but we can handle that.)  What a wonderful feeling to know that cancer was no longer residing in my body!  We cried.  We praised God.  We shared the news with friends and family and have been overwhelmed with the amount of people cheering us on and praying for us.

It's absolutely humbling to think about the number of people who have been praying for us!  I'm sure we don't even know many of them, yet they take the time to pray for us.  We don't deserve that.  But, we gladly welcome it.  THANK YOU!

Another thing we are celebrating today ~ someone my husband works with sent him a text that read "Hey man!  My family doesn't really pray much, but tonight we prayed for your family."  Wow!  I don't even have words for that and I usually have words for everything!.  Just confirmation that this thing is bigger than us.

So, tonight, we go to bed...  With tears in our eyes.  With God on our hearts.  And with a sense of peace in our mind.  Looking forward to staying up to watch the Royals in the World Series and then settling in for a great night of rest.

We are also looking forward to waking up tomorrow :).

Silver Linings

Okay, I'll be the first to admit, this cancer thing blows big time!  These early morning hot flashes aren't fun.  I'm so scared of chemo and all the side effects of it.  BUT, there are always the silver linings:

• Such as Richard and I both being up at midnight and doing a number on all the carbs in the kitchen pantry.  Making memories pigging out at midnight.
• The cancer card trumps just about anything.  I try to use it sparingly, but let's just say this girl gets to take as many naps and rest breaks as she needs.
• My family drove 6 hours to hang out with me for 3 hours.  This cancer thing has changed my family ~ in a good way.  I think we have all been reminded that life is precious, so is family.  
• I have fallen in love with Richard even more every day.  His strength has been comforting and inspiring.  He's shown me that he and Mase don't need me, which is oddly comforting.  But he has also shown me that they want me and that feels great.  Cancer has shown me that my marriage is strong.  And I know it will only get stronger.
• Went to Springfield today because I had a drain issue (fun times!) and I got to have an impromptu lunch with just my mom and my sister.  That never happens! 
  
• I'm humbled by the number of people praying for me and my family.  A lot of those prayers are coming from people I don't know and whom I've never met.  Some of those prayers are coming from the last person I would expect them from... And that is surprisingly comforting.  
• My walk with God has grown over the past year, thanks for some amazing women in my life who support me and also lovingly challenge me.  It's easy to reach out to God in the good times, but I had not had my faith tested to know if I would turn to him in times of darkness.  Well, challenge accepted.  Now, more than ever, I know God has a plan and is in absolute control.  I know He gives us strength when we turn to him.  And that is something that I will continue to carry with me long after this battle has been fought and won.  
• I'm thankful that my cancer and node dissection was on my left side and not my right.  Ouch!  But since I'm right handed, it could have been way worse!
• I just reached my goal weight!  Sad, but true.  Thanks cancer!  And, it's even been suggested I consider adding a few pound prior to chemotherapy.  Who wants a chili cheese dog... Or two?  Me! 
• Hey!  When you don't shave your legs for 2 weeks, the hair actually turns soft!  Gross, I know. Don't judge.
• Thankful that I have been able to reach others... Little old me.  I'm not special, I certainly am flawed, but I know my story has encouraged others to get tested.  To pray.  To recognize the blessings.  And that is HUGE!  I know this cancer thing is bigger than me.  I don't know how, but I know great things are going to come from it!  

Early Morning Messages

Happy to report my sleeping has really improved last night.  We can all deal with things a little better with things when we are rested.  I do, however, wake up in the early hours of the morning.  Usually, this is when I respond to messages or write to my mom and Jill.

Here's a little letter I just sent them:

Morning.  You can see I'm starting to feel better because there were no messages left at 1 in the morning.  I think I slept 5 hours, with only getting up once.  That's a big improvement.  The days are getting better, and that's a relief.

So, last night I had my first pity party. I can cry if I want to, cry if I want to, you would cry too if it happened to you ;).

I did so good for the past 4.5 days!  Gosh, I was so prepared for this surgery.  I had read all about complications, the pain (it's manageable), the drains, the expanders, why I felt like it was a good choice and even searched for pictures so I could be prepared for what my body was going to look like.  I checked the box that told me about all the stuff above and said "yep, I'm cool with all of that."

Fast forward to last night and I got handed a shit sandwich (Richard taught me that one).  All this was to help me reduce my risks and my worry. We all took drastic steps to ensure we were going to get it before it got us, and that just didn't happen for me.  Or for us.  I'm well aware that this is a family issue and not a me issue.

The fact all this is happening and I have to stop my estrogen feels emotionally like I'm being asked to fight with one arm tied behind my back.

I'm sure I will eventually get back in my good head space where I am thankful, where Jesus is my best friend and that I'm just so damn happy that things turned out this way... It just a lot easier to get there when I have the proper tools.  You can technically eat a bowl of cereal with a butter knife, but if that's all you have, then you can see how frustrating it is to not have the right tools.

Thanks so much for giving me space last night. I'd be pissed if you dumped that in my lap and ran away.  I totally realize it isn't fair for me to say I was upset to three people who love me the most (I told Giz I wanted the same thing) and then tell them to go away.  I just wanted to cry and I didn't want an audience for it.  I felt better after all that, so it was at least productive.  That's why I like blogging, I always get to have the last word :).

Very anxious to get this show on the road.  I fucking hate waiting (sorry, Daniel Tiger saying "waiting is hard" just doesn't quite cover how I am feeling).  I'm okay if they have to do another surgery to get whatever it is they want to get, I just don't want to wait weeks for that to be scheduled and then have to wait weeks for those results to come back.  Up to this point everything was completely in my control.  I'm not driving this bus anymore and that blows for a control freak like me.

Switching gears: two weird things about my foobs.  1. Sometimes I feel them like slightly vibrate from the inside. Sort of like when you phone vibrates, but obviously much less aggressive than that.  I'm guessing it's the  nerves playing tricks on me.  It's not painful or anything, just an odd sensation. 2. Parts of my foobs itch.  I guesting it's like the inner stitches... So I reach over to scratch the itch and I can feel with my hand that I'm scratching my boob, but my boob can't feel my hand and there isn't really any itch relief.  Again, it is not painful, it just an odd sensation.

Loves you girls!  Someone brought over a Tippens chocolate silk pie.  I  might as well get started on that so I don't have it starring me in the face all day taunting me.  Or so I can have some before Giz finds it.

**We call Richard "Giz" because several years ago he went through this phase where he wore nothing but argyle sweaters.  My sister started calling him R-Gizzle, and over time, it's just been shortened to Giz.**

Day 13: Keeping Busy. And still waiting.

No news over the weekend...  Although I did keep my phone close by and my ringer up in case my doctor just happened to be working.

My husband was off this weekend which helped a lot.  We kept busy by visiting family.  Sunday morning we went to church (shout out to Osage Hills!).  It's amazing how when you go to church, you often hear EXACTLY what you need to hear.  Some call it a coincidence.  My mom always called those God winks.  

These lyrics hit home and I found myself fighting back tears of joy as I sang them am I the only one who starts singing and has to fight by tears?  It also happens during the National Anthem.  Truth be told, I can't sing, so I usually just mumble the words under my breath. 

My Lighthouse by Rend Collective

In my wrestling and in my doubts
In my failures You won't walk out
You're great love will lead me through
You are the peace in my troubled sea
You are the peace in my troubled sea

In the silence You won't let go
In the questions Your truth will hold
Your great love will lead me through
You are the peace in my troubled sea
You are the peace in my troubled sea

My lighthouse 
My lighthouse
Shining in the darkness I will follow You

My lighthouse
My lighthouse
I will trust the promise
You will carry me safe to shore
Safe to shore

I won't fear what tomorrow brings
With each morning I'll rise and sing
My God's love will lead me through
You are the peace in my troubled sea
You are the peace in my troubled sea

Fire before us You're the brightest
You will lead us through the storms

I really find comfort in music.  All music.  I was thinking I need a theme song/playlist for this journey.  So far, my playlist is composed of My Lighthouse by Rend Collective and I'm Not Afraid by Eminem.  How's that for an eclectic taste in music?  If you logged into my iTunes, you'd probably think I was bipolar.  Really, I'm not.  I just appreciate all types of music.  Except the blues.  Which is probably considered a sin on the Moss side of the family.