Frustrated

Um... So this post might seem shallow, and I'm okay with that.  Tomorrow I have my second chemo session and my sweet mother-in-law, Val, is coming up to keep Mase.  Richard thought it would be great for us to sneak away for a date night.  It's been awhile since we've gotten a date night so I was looking forward to it all week.  Last night, I even went to bed thinking about what I would wear, racking my brain on what I had to feel special and pretty in.  I picked some skinny jeans, a black t-shirt, a cream colored leather jacket and some black boots.  I took a shower and put on some fancy lacy panties, just like the old days and took extra time to do my make-up carefully.  I really want to look pretty, both for myself and for my husband that deserves a pretty normal looking wife.

And now... I'm at a hair loss.  I'm frustrated to the point of tears.  I tried my wig on and it doesn't look right.  No matter what I do, it doesn't look right at all.  And, to be honest, even if it did look right, I don't think I would wear it.  It's itchy and hot.  And I think I'm more self conscious about wearing a wig than I am about my bald.  I tried on head scarves and those don't really look right either.  My beanies just don't look good with my outfit, and while great for outdoors, let's be honest, they don't exactly blend in when sitting inside a nice steak house.  And then there is my bald.  Which isn't horrible, but it's starting to get patchy.  I don't feel like I can freaking win.  I'm pretty sure this is the first time sad tears have fallen in a long time, which is saying a lot since the last two months have been a clusterfuck challenge.

It feels ridiculously stupid for crying over something as shallow as my hair.  I have plenty to cry about and you would think hair would be the least of my worries.  But it's not.  On days I don't care what I look like, which honestly is most days, I'm cool with my whatever, but tonight, I just want it to be like old times ~ I just want my long, blond hair back that I could straighten and toss around.

Is it too late to put on my comfy panties and my sweat pants and settle in with a bag of chips and a tub of french onion dip?

UPDATE:  After a good cry to my sweet mother-in-law and again on the way to the restaurant, we really enjoyed our date night.  I wore my hat inside the restaurant and once we were seated I took it off.  I was a little self conscious when a boy, around 8 or 9, whispered to his mom when he saw me and they both looked up at me.  His mom

must have explained something about me being sick and not to stare, but occasionally I would catch him looking at me.  I so badly wanted to make a funny face at him and answer the questions I could see swirling in his head.  I wanted to comfort him.  I was self conscious because I wanted him to be comfortable, not as much for my sake.

After dinner, we stopped by a book store where I picked up a few coffees for the trip home.  As I am leaving, a woman complimented me on my hair.  Wow, that caught me off guard.  I probably hesitated a bit and then politely said thank you and was prepared to keep walking.  She took the brave step of asking me if I was a cancer patient.  That was a huge risk, and it meant so much to me that she took that risk.  I shared with her that I was and that her compliment meant so much to me, as I was struggling a bit with my hair since it was my first night out since I started losing my hair.  She shared with me that she was a 14 year breast cancer survivor.  Her taking the risk and the time meant the world to me.  Made me feel less alone.  There are lots of people walking around that know exactly what I'm going through.  At times, I feel like the only one, but the truth is, I probably have a lot of cancer sisters around me even without even knowing it.