I Lied.

I lied.

In several past posts I've written about the blessings to come out of my breast cancer diagnosis.  I've included things such as appreciating my family and my great friends.  But, let's be honest, I had those long before cancer.  My friends aren't amazing because I have cancer.  Richard isn't any more awesome because I'm sick.  Cancer shouldn't get the credit for those blessings.  God gets credit.  Those people get credit.  Certainly some rogue, bastard cancer cells don't deserve the credit.

All cancer does is take.  And steal.  And abuse.  And ravage.

It takes away your ability to blissfully roll through life oblivious to curve balls.  We will always be aware that the risk of recurrence is there.

It steals away time.  The past 4 months has been a whirlwind.  We haven't been focused in the moment, we've been focused on fighting and surviving.

It abuses your body.  Scars.  Ports.  Chemo.  Steroids.  Hormones.  Hair loss.  Extremely dry skin.  Nausea and diarrhea.  Thrush.  My fingernails hurt.  I'm losing eyelashes.  Nosebleeds.  Weight gain.  Exhaustion.

It ravages your confidence.  I know that beauty comes from within.  But let's be honest, a girl likes to feel pretty.  I've lost my swagger.  I don't even have energy to walk with swagger anymore.  I used to get 'checked out' when I was out and about in public.  Now I get 'checked out' because I'm the girl that is either bald or wearing a hat while inside eating at a restaurant.

It detracts from your marriage.  Richard and I are fine and stronger than ever, but cancer has definitely taken some important things from our relationship.

It robs you of your money.  We're extremely blessed to have insurance, but even then cancer is very expensive.  For some, it wrecks everything they have worked hard for their entire life.

It suffocates: In the psychological sense that at times it almost feels like it's suffocating you and in the literal sense that I get winded simply walking to the mailbox or up from the basement.

It robs you of sleep.  The one thing that can give you a reprieve of having to think about cancer and survival... Yep, somehow it manages to take that away, too.  It's exhausting.

It makes you stupid.  It literally kills brain cells.  Chemo brain is a real thing.

It rapes you (please know I don't use that word lightly).  It takes what it wants and has zero regard.  You can't reason with it.  You can try fighting it, but even that doesn't always work.  It doesn't care who it hurts (and it hurts so many more people than just the one physically fighting) and will destroy everything in it's path.

So won't you all join me in giving cancer the big F YOU!  I'm mad.  I'm tired of being strong.  I'm just... well, I'm just tired.  Hate what you have taken from me.  I hate you.  I FUCKING HATE YOU. I'm pissed that I don't get a chance to kill you myself and see you die.  I have to take someone's word for it that you seemingly, passively left my body.  When all I really want is to see you suffer the way you have made me suffer.  Fucking coward. You came in quietly, essentially raped me, and now if you decide to leave, you will leave quietly too.  Not even strong enough to fight the way my family and I have had to fight you every minute since this started.  FUCK YOU.

*Tears of anger.*

Wow!  I feel much better now.  I needed that.

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross would be proud.

Love is in the air!

So, today was Valentine's Day. Since I knew I would be in 'recovery week' to say my expectations were low would have been a massive understatement.  I was going to consider the day a success if I could brush my teeth, shower and not shart myself.

Surprisingly, today ended up being the best Valentine's Day of my life.  Of. My. Life.  I'd love to tell you that my husband planned something extremely romantic and elaborate (which he has absolutely done in the past) - but he didn't.  Which is exactly what I wanted.  Low-key was what my heart desired.  

Last night we watched a Redbox and had cheesecake at midnight.  This morning, we had bagels and coffee for breakfast and watched Mase open a small Valentine's box we made him. It's insane how excited a boy can get over a couple of chocolates, balloons and Lego figurines.  Then the three of us sat around the table for nearly an hour just playing around, laughing and watching Mase put together his Lego people.  

Next, Richard and Mason worked out in the basement, while I put in my Beats and de-cluttered a few spots of the house (de-clutter = throwing away crap toys behind Mason's back).  Oh, the sweet feeling of productivity after being sick as a dog the past few days (yes, I was happy that I felt well enough to clean!).  

After a bit, we decided to load up in the Jeep and go for a drive.  We ended up at Chic-fil-a in Jeff City for a late lunch, where Mase played for nearly an hour in their playland.  Then, we took the scenic route home (like miles and miles of dirt road) where Mase 'drove' for a couple of miles (don't judge!).  He felt like such a big kid and you could see the confidence beaming off of him.  As I'm listening to Mason giggles and Richard coach Mason on driving, I see the most breath taking pink and purple sunset.  All is right in the world: My little family and I enjoying time together on a quiet dirt road, admiring God's amazing work in a beautiful sunset.  

The memory reminded me of being a kid, piling in my Dad's brown Jeep with the top down and going for a drive with the top down.  Oh, and we would always stop to get the biggest bag of peanut M&Ms to pass around.  Typically, those family Jeep rides usually ended in tears because someone either ate too many M&Ms or banged their head on the metal side bars of the Jeep.  Almost on cue, today's Jeep ride also ended in tears because we wouldn't let Mase have a puppy that he saw barking at us from the side of the road.  It was a full circle moment and it was perfect. 

Today wasn't about flowers, candy or any of the other commercial Valentine's Day hoopla, it was about pure and simple family LOVE.  

Redbox: $2

Cheesecake: $4

Bagels: $4

Chik-Fil-A: $16.78

Gas: $14

———————————

Simplicity, gratitude, full-circle moments and total contentment: PRICELESS

This Helps...

It's been a rough couple of days for me.  Mase has been just fine since his Nannie has been here waiting on him hand and foot (She's been waiting on me too.  Thanks Nannie!).
Some snuggle time has helped this mama feel better.

And, 3 minutes later... He's out.  I wasn't complaining. 

Missed Opportunities

Ugh... Cycle #5 really took it out of me.  I'm exhausted.

My sister called me at least 6 times and I couldn't even muster the energy to answer her call, even though I know she was just calling to check on me.

Same goes for my mom.  I know she's been worried about me, but has already told me she's not going to call me, as she doesn't want to bother me if I'm resting.  I know I'm the one that should be calling her, so I chose to let her worry than to take the 2 minutes to call her and check in.

One friend has had her 2 month old baby boy in the hospital for nearly a week.  I so badly wanted to offer to help, but just couldn't even commit the energy to call and offer, let alone follow though on any commitments.

Another friend of mine, who I consider one of my closest friends here, had sick twins at home.  I so badly wanted to deliver her a Starbucks and tell her to go take a walk around Target while I watched the boys, but I didn't have the energy to do so and I couldn't risk getting sick myself.

A different friend called (you know it must be serious when someone tries to call you instead of text, right?!) to discuss some health issues she's having and I couldn't even answer the phone.  This gal has made me laugh when I really needed to, and I wasn't able to be there for her.

One more friend just delivered a 9lb 4oz baby naturally.  She surprised me once by coming over during my chemo treatment and cleaning my house.  I desperately wanted to return the favor, but I cannot even get it together to get dressed and leave the house.

My husband, who has been nothing but loving and patient with me, deserves the best romantic, Valentine's weekend ever.  Instead, he got up with Mase at 7:30 and let me sleep until 9:30.  I'm a grown-ass woman ~ not sure I have slept in until 9:30 in the past decade.

My sweet boy just wanted me to play an iPad game with him and build Lego towers.  And I told him mommy was tired and went and laid in bed.

So many missed opportunities ~ opportunities to bless all these people just the way that each of them have blessed me during my trials.  Not cool, cancer.  Not cool.

Chemo Cycle #5

Chemo #5.  Knocking these babies out!

We are getting so close to being done with the hard stuff!  We are on cycle #5 of 6 with the chemo.  I will have infusions through November, but those shouldn't bring on the sick days like the chemo does.

It's been a tough few days.  I can work myself up into a frenzy over anything!  I recently found out that a breast cancer buddy cancer had metastasized to her brain.  She's in her mid-30's and has 2 kids. It scared the shit out me.  If it could happen to her, then it could happen to me.  I shared this with Richard and we both got online and read some really scary stuff about HER2+ patients having an increased risk of their cancer metastasizing to other areas.  I felt like we could both handle this, but once we started thinking about how that sort of thing would impact Mason, it was a tough pill to swallow.  We cried.  We prayed.  And we vowed to do whatever we needed to do to reduce our risks as much as possible.

Well, our freak out came just in the nick of time, since we were meeting with the oncologist at today's appointment.  We discussed our fears and he did an amazing job at putting our fears at ease.  I am so grateful that Richard was there to have his fears put at ease, too.  Yes, it could happen, but there are also some factors that are in our favor, reducing our risk that it will happen.

Also, we were able to talk with our oncologist about my weight gain.  He assured me it was because of the chemo meds and steroids.  He attributed a lot of it to water retention and to the steroids and drugs making me hungry.  Now, I know that isn't all of the reason for my weight gain, but it was good to hear that the drugs are a contributing factor.  He assured me that it will fall off... I'm not sure I 100% believe him, but it was comforting to hear.  On a side note, he also said he would be upping my chemo dose because of my weight gain.  Yikes!  I guess that just means that I'll be getting more medicine, right?  So that's not an entirely bad thing, assuming I can handle it.

He also shared that drinking could raise my risk, like even 1 glass of wine a week can increase a chance of reoccurrence. I'm not a huge drinker anymore, so you would think this wouldn't bother me much, but all of a sudden I'm craving beer and hot wings like crazy. Apparently, I don't like being told I can't do something even if I wouldn't do it in the first place.

I'll post another update of cycle #5 soon.  Thanks for all the words of encouragement, thoughts and prayers everyone!  WE are doing this!  And I absolutely know I am not alone in this journey.  Humbled by all your thoughts and prayers for me and my family.

UPDATE: Cycle #5 has been rough.  I'm not sure if my body has just had enough, if I'm less mentally strong than before or if it is the additional chemo, but this round, I've been extremely tired.  Oh, and I caught Mason's cold.  But, I'm looking forward to a much better week next week!  One more cycle.  I can do this!

A Few Reminders

Today, I had a few reminders...

It's around 70* here in Missouri.  In February.  When earlier this week it was 25* (apparently, Mother Nature had her estrogen taken away too, because she's all over the place).  I decided to take advantage of this beautiful day and get some fresh air by going on a walk.  As I was huffing and puffing after walking all of a mile, I was reminded that 2 months prior to my diagnosis I ran 9.5 miles.  In one day.  Without stopping.  Today, I struggled to make it 2 miles and considered calling Richard to come and get me.  I'm trying to give myself some slack, but I also recognize that giving myself some slack has resulted in me not being able to more than 10 squats, 2 girl push-ups, or walk more than a mile without getting winded.  Oh, it's also contributed to me gaining 17 lbs.  I'd love to say I am exaggerating, but I am not.  I don't have a plan yet on how to attack that issue, all while giving myself some grace, but I'm definitely thinking about it.

The second reminder I had was a little package sitting on my door step once I came home.  It was from a former student a friend of mine who I haven't seen in probably over 5 years.  She has taken time to send me and my family a little care package  each and every time I have a treatment.  I am humbled that in her busy life of being a nurse at Children's Mercy in Kansas City, being a full time mom (who home schools her kids no less) and wife, she still takes time to remember my treatment, pick up a few items she thinks I would enjoy and a few items for Mason, and even Richard, packs them up, and makes a trip to the post office, all so I can know she's thinking about me.  I'm humbled by your steadfast friendship, Debra!  Thank you!

The third reminder, came to me as I cuddled my sick boy.  We've been so lucky to have avoided any major sickness this year, and it's been a really rough year for colds, flu viruses, and the stomach flu.  Mase has a cough, slight fever and lots of sneezing.  No biggie, he's a tough kid, but has been down for the count today.

Counting my blessings today of great friends, beautiful weather, a husband who returned home from a week-long work trip, and snuggles of a sick little boy who continues to cough and sneeze in my face, but takes time to apologize each time it happens.  Blessed!

My sweet, sick little boy.  Hope he feels better soon.  Until then, I'll enjoy the snuggles. 

It's A Family Affair

The BRCA mutation doesn't just affect individuals.  It affects families.  Both my mom and my sister also have the mutation, therefore raising their chances of breast and ovarian cancer.  We've all addressed the ovarian cancer by having total hysterectomies.  Now, it's time for my mom and my sister to take action on reducing their risks for breast cancer.
On Monday, Jill had a bilateral mastectomy with DTI (direct to implant) reconstruction.  While her surgery was different than mine, I know it's no walk in the park.  There is significant pain and it takes upwards of 6 weeks to recover.  My mom flew down to Florida to help her for the week.
I have such mixed feelings about Jill having the surgery.  I am so relieved that it's over and so proud of her for taking steps to reduce her risk.  I hurt for her because I know the recovery is tough.  I also am hesitant to celebrate, as I know she hasn't officially crossed the finish line yet.  She is still waiting to hear back on her pathology results, which she is hoping to hear back on Friday.  Obviously we are praying for a clear pathology report.  She didn't have any issues of concern before her surgery, but I've heard several stories of people who went in with no concerns and still came out with a cancer diagnosis.
Mom is also in the process of scheduling her surgery.  She probably needed to get her mastectomy before any of us, but she insisted on waiting until Jill was recovered and I was finished with my chemo treatments.  That's what mom's do ~ they put their kids before themselves.  My mom can't get her surgery soon enough.  With her having a 50% risk of breast cancer before the age of 50 and an 87% chance before she turns 70, I feel like she's on borrowed time.
I hate that we all have to do these intense surgeries to reduce our risks.  But, there is comfort in knowing that someone else knows exactly what you are going through with the difficult decisions to go through with the surgeries.  We all know what it is like to think about our risks.  To get the call that we are BRCA+.  To make the decision to have a hysterectomy and mourn not being able to have more children.  To wonder if the risk of a bilateral mastectomy is worth the reward (I think my cancer diagnosis made that a much easier decision for everyone ~ You're welcome, girls).
It will be such a relief once we can celebrate everyone getting a clean pathology report back!  Looking forward to that day!

Jill, my mom and me (several years ago).

UPDATE: Jill's pathology report came back today all clear!  Big sigh of relief on that one!  Can't wait to celebrate that the next time we get together!