Chemo Cycle #5

Chemo #5.  Knocking these babies out!

We are getting so close to being done with the hard stuff!  We are on cycle #5 of 6 with the chemo.  I will have infusions through November, but those shouldn't bring on the sick days like the chemo does.

It's been a tough few days.  I can work myself up into a frenzy over anything!  I recently found out that a breast cancer buddy cancer had metastasized to her brain.  She's in her mid-30's and has 2 kids. It scared the shit out me.  If it could happen to her, then it could happen to me.  I shared this with Richard and we both got online and read some really scary stuff about HER2+ patients having an increased risk of their cancer metastasizing to other areas.  I felt like we could both handle this, but once we started thinking about how that sort of thing would impact Mason, it was a tough pill to swallow.  We cried.  We prayed.  And we vowed to do whatever we needed to do to reduce our risks as much as possible.

Well, our freak out came just in the nick of time, since we were meeting with the oncologist at today's appointment.  We discussed our fears and he did an amazing job at putting our fears at ease.  I am so grateful that Richard was there to have his fears put at ease, too.  Yes, it could happen, but there are also some factors that are in our favor, reducing our risk that it will happen.

Also, we were able to talk with our oncologist about my weight gain.  He assured me it was because of the chemo meds and steroids.  He attributed a lot of it to water retention and to the steroids and drugs making me hungry.  Now, I know that isn't all of the reason for my weight gain, but it was good to hear that the drugs are a contributing factor.  He assured me that it will fall off... I'm not sure I 100% believe him, but it was comforting to hear.  On a side note, he also said he would be upping my chemo dose because of my weight gain.  Yikes!  I guess that just means that I'll be getting more medicine, right?  So that's not an entirely bad thing, assuming I can handle it.

He also shared that drinking could raise my risk, like even 1 glass of wine a week can increase a chance of reoccurrence. I'm not a huge drinker anymore, so you would think this wouldn't bother me much, but all of a sudden I'm craving beer and hot wings like crazy. Apparently, I don't like being told I can't do something even if I wouldn't do it in the first place.

I'll post another update of cycle #5 soon.  Thanks for all the words of encouragement, thoughts and prayers everyone!  WE are doing this!  And I absolutely know I am not alone in this journey.  Humbled by all your thoughts and prayers for me and my family.

UPDATE: Cycle #5 has been rough.  I'm not sure if my body has just had enough, if I'm less mentally strong than before or if it is the additional chemo, but this round, I've been extremely tired.  Oh, and I caught Mason's cold.  But, I'm looking forward to a much better week next week!  One more cycle.  I can do this!

Heavy Hitter: Chemo Cycle #2

Hi all...  It's chemo week.  Marked by my 'quietness', 3 o'clock in the morning blog postings and my insatiable appetite.

Yesterday was day 4 of my second chemo cycle, my "bad" day and I'm so happy to announce that it was much better than day 4 of my first chemo cycle.  It still wasn't a picnic, but I felt a lot better this time around.  I still napped a lot, dealt with some minor aches and pains, and some slight nausea, but compared to the first time, yesterday was a big improvement.

Okay, so I've vowed to share the good, the bad and the ugly parts of this journey with you...  So, here goes...  I'm writing this because I need to let you know what's in my head.  I'm hesitant to even say it, because well, it just points out to my shallow insecurities and I fear it will sound like I'm fishing for compliments.  I'm not.  I just want to share.  And, quite honestly, I don't even want any feedback.  Yep, I know it's totally bratty to say what I want and then not want to hear your comforting words back, but I have cancer, so cut me a break.

Here it goes:  I don't know what it is, but this cancer thing has me putting on weight like no body's business.  Like, it's insane.  And, sometimes I really beat myself up about it (like 15 minutes ago as I was shoving a stale cinnamon roll into my pie hole at 2:45 in the morning).  And, sometimes I just don't give a damn.  But, if you know me, you know not giving a damn isn't really my style.  I like to obsess.  I like to plan.  I like to challenge myself to be my best.  I'd like to think I have power to control any thing, especially that stupid cinnamon roll from hopping in my mouth, but this time I don't.  My face is getting fuller.  My belly is definitely getting bigger.  And, I'm stuck somewhere between giving a damn (if I didn't care, I wouldn't be up writing a blog about it) and not.

I'm not sure what this crazy appetite/weight gain is about.  But, here are a few thoughts... Some legitimate and some are probably just me rationalizing:

1. Perhaps it's the steroids I have to take to make sure my body can tolerate the chemo.  Increased appetite is a known side effect.  I'd like to convince myself all this eating/weight gain is a placebo effect, but after some careful evaluation, over a midnight bowl of Reese's Puffs, I've come to the conclusion it's a real side effect and and not an imagined one.
2. In my house, food is comfort.  Thanks for passing this on to me, Mom!  So, when we don't feel good, we eat.  And when we celebrate, we eat.  And when we are bored/angry/happy/breathing we eat.  It's how we nurture each other, and also how we nurture ourselves.  Maybe I'm gaining weight because I'm feeding my soul.  
3. Exercise is... well, almost nonexistent.  I used to really like to walk, run, etc.  Now, it all seems like a lot of work.  On occasion, I will hop on the elliptical, but now my 'workouts' are what used to be my warm-up.  
4. Did you know your taste buds change during chemo?  True story!  Food actually tastes different, and not exactly in a good way.  Maybe I just keep stuffing it in my mouth in hopes that something will taste 'normal.'  Oh, how I wish things were back to normal.
5. The nausea... You would think that would make you want to quit eating, right?  Wrong!  It makes me just want to graze until it goes away... And the thing is, it doesn't really go away for days on end!  Yikes!  

I feel like I'm in emotional eating survival mode a bit.  And, that's okay.  So, here's the plan:  On days when I need comfort, then I will seek it out anyway I can... Through Natalie's English toffee, scalloped potatoes, stale cinnamon rolls, and any other carb I can shove into my mouth.  And, on days when I can do better, I will.  I'm not giving up, just giving in to where I stand this moment.