It's Okay. I Have Cancer.

So, I've done A LOT a few things I'm not proud of...  So this isn't a marathon post, I will limit this list to just the last few months... Otherwise, we could be here awhile.
Truth is, when you have cancer, there are just some things you can get away with:

• Like eating a whole sleeve of Lemon Oreos.  For breakfast.  Before 8 o'clock in the morning. {Thank you chemo steroids}
• Nap for 5 hours in one day.  
• Cry at inappropriate times.
• Laugh at inappropriate times.
• Want to tell some one how you really feel when they politely ask you "How are you today?"  My mind says: "Well, my breasts were plotting to kill me, my 'new' boobs feel like whoopee cushions, I've got thrush, mouth sores and I could easily poop myself any minute."  My words say: "I'm good.  Thank you."
• Retail therapy.  Especially if mom is helping you foot the bill.  {Thanks Mom!}
• Shit yourself.  I'll spare you the details.  But, let's just say I am so thankful I was home.  And a word to any of you who may face chemo in the future: Never trust a chemo fart.  
• Totally acceptable to look at boobs on your computer or phone.  Even acceptable for your spouse to look at boobs on their phone or iPad.  For once, it's called research.  
• Wake your mom up at 2:30 in the morning because you don't want to eat Reese's cereal all by yourself.
• Gaining weight.  I blame it on the steroids.  But truth is, a lot of it is that at this point I just don't give a flip.  I'm sure (at least I hope) my attitude changes once my treatment is over, but for now, I find comfort in anything carb-y and salty.  

And a few things you shouldn't do if you have cancer:

• Blame yourself.  During infusion #3, there was a newbie sitting next to me.  She was probably in her mid-60's.  She shared with me that she has lung cancer.  Then, she hung her head and said she had been a smoker for years.  My heart broke, cancer is bad enough without the self-imposed guilt and shame.  NO ONE deserves cancer.  I can assure you, if there was some sort of cancer caused by binge eating carbs, I would have it.  And even then, I still wouldn't deserve it.  Her statement made me realize that I got one of the 'lucky' cancers that come with lots of resources and research funding, financial support, and pretty pink ribbons.  Instead of a big pink ribbon, a lot of cancers come wrapped in a bag of stigma.  Melenoma?  You must have spent too much time in the sun or in the tanning bed.  Liver cancer?  Clearly you drank yourself into that mess.  Lung cancer?  You were dumb and smoked cancer sticks cigarettes, despite all the warnings.  
• Google anything cancer related.  It will scare the shit out of you... (which isn't as quite out of the realm of possibility as it used to be).  
• Use it as an excuse to be mean to your spouse.  For the most part, I feel like I've been pretty nice to my husband during these times, admittedly not exactly the kind of nice he is probably wanting, but I plan to talk to my doctor about that, but on occasion I've taken out my frustration on him.  He deserves better.  Cancer is a family disease.  My job is to take care of myself and not poop myself.  His job is everything else, the biggest which is being the sane and stable voice of reason in a crazy season.  I fall in love with him more and more throughout all of this.  
• Clean.  Life is too short to spend time cleaning.  This has always been a philosophy of mine, now I just finally have a way to justify it.  

Signing off now... Those Oreos aren't going to eat themselves.  

Heavy Hitter: Chemo Cycle #2

Hi all...  It's chemo week.  Marked by my 'quietness', 3 o'clock in the morning blog postings and my insatiable appetite.

Yesterday was day 4 of my second chemo cycle, my "bad" day and I'm so happy to announce that it was much better than day 4 of my first chemo cycle.  It still wasn't a picnic, but I felt a lot better this time around.  I still napped a lot, dealt with some minor aches and pains, and some slight nausea, but compared to the first time, yesterday was a big improvement.

Okay, so I've vowed to share the good, the bad and the ugly parts of this journey with you...  So, here goes...  I'm writing this because I need to let you know what's in my head.  I'm hesitant to even say it, because well, it just points out to my shallow insecurities and I fear it will sound like I'm fishing for compliments.  I'm not.  I just want to share.  And, quite honestly, I don't even want any feedback.  Yep, I know it's totally bratty to say what I want and then not want to hear your comforting words back, but I have cancer, so cut me a break.

Here it goes:  I don't know what it is, but this cancer thing has me putting on weight like no body's business.  Like, it's insane.  And, sometimes I really beat myself up about it (like 15 minutes ago as I was shoving a stale cinnamon roll into my pie hole at 2:45 in the morning).  And, sometimes I just don't give a damn.  But, if you know me, you know not giving a damn isn't really my style.  I like to obsess.  I like to plan.  I like to challenge myself to be my best.  I'd like to think I have power to control any thing, especially that stupid cinnamon roll from hopping in my mouth, but this time I don't.  My face is getting fuller.  My belly is definitely getting bigger.  And, I'm stuck somewhere between giving a damn (if I didn't care, I wouldn't be up writing a blog about it) and not.

I'm not sure what this crazy appetite/weight gain is about.  But, here are a few thoughts... Some legitimate and some are probably just me rationalizing:

1. Perhaps it's the steroids I have to take to make sure my body can tolerate the chemo.  Increased appetite is a known side effect.  I'd like to convince myself all this eating/weight gain is a placebo effect, but after some careful evaluation, over a midnight bowl of Reese's Puffs, I've come to the conclusion it's a real side effect and and not an imagined one.
2. In my house, food is comfort.  Thanks for passing this on to me, Mom!  So, when we don't feel good, we eat.  And when we celebrate, we eat.  And when we are bored/angry/happy/breathing we eat.  It's how we nurture each other, and also how we nurture ourselves.  Maybe I'm gaining weight because I'm feeding my soul.  
3. Exercise is... well, almost nonexistent.  I used to really like to walk, run, etc.  Now, it all seems like a lot of work.  On occasion, I will hop on the elliptical, but now my 'workouts' are what used to be my warm-up.  
4. Did you know your taste buds change during chemo?  True story!  Food actually tastes different, and not exactly in a good way.  Maybe I just keep stuffing it in my mouth in hopes that something will taste 'normal.'  Oh, how I wish things were back to normal.
5. The nausea... You would think that would make you want to quit eating, right?  Wrong!  It makes me just want to graze until it goes away... And the thing is, it doesn't really go away for days on end!  Yikes!  

I feel like I'm in emotional eating survival mode a bit.  And, that's okay.  So, here's the plan:  On days when I need comfort, then I will seek it out anyway I can... Through Natalie's English toffee, scalloped potatoes, stale cinnamon rolls, and any other carb I can shove into my mouth.  And, on days when I can do better, I will.  I'm not giving up, just giving in to where I stand this moment.  

Battle #1

Hey all!  I write this as I sit in a comfy recliner getting poison medicine pumped through my veins.  Yesterday, I felt like a 'real' cancer patient was I started my lengthy medicine regime that I have in addition to my chemo drugs that are put through my port.  Richard reminds me I've been a cancer patient for nearly a month now, but truth be told, I haven't always felt like one.  For the most part I've felt well.  I had some pain and fatigue after the surgeries, so I did consider myself recovering from those, I didn't attribute that stuff to the cancer.  Now the cancer treatment starts.

This morning I started Battle #1.  I'm calling each treatment a battle, because I know I will win the war.  And I will conquer the battles, they just may rough me up a little.  They told me that today's treatment will last 7-8 hours, as they give your your medicines very slowly and watch you for reactions.  This morning they also did my chemo education.  Fun times!  Seriously, very informative, and honestly a little scary.  It almost scared the shit out of me.  Pun intended.  Apparently one chemo I have has a high rate of diarrhea for a few days and the other chemo has a high rate of vomiting.  Apparently, your body doesn't like poison chemo.  I'm guessing I'll feel like I did during college after a drinking binge.  So, nothing I can't handle, right?  Although, come to think about it, college was a long time ago and I bet I don't recover nearly as fast.  And, I probably won't have as many cool stories...  Did I ever tell you guys the time I nearly got arrested in my sexy devil costume?  I digress...

Okay, for all of you who brought care packages and gifts, sent messages of encouragement and prayer, a HUGE thank you!  I've got to say, aside from a quick blood draw and a Pulp Fiction like needle going into my port (that might be an exaggeration, but I assure you it felt like a huge needle!) today has been a piece of cake.  And they have wi-fi.  And comfy chairs.  And I plan on taking a nap.  No need to feel sorry for me... Goodness, I know I will eat these words later, but this almost feels like vacation.

Speaking of cake, I plan on eating my way through chemo, which probably isn't a great plan, as they said I will actually be one of the lucky ones who gain weight during chemo.  But, you do what you've got to do, right?!  They actually encourage you to eat your way through, so it's really like I'm following doctor's orders.

Speaking of eating, this is a picture of Richard last week before my PET scan.  He decided that he was done starving with me when they tell me I can't eat for 8-12 hours.  Sweet guy, I know he stuck it out with me as long as possible.  This is Richard getting ready to scarf down a Chik-Fil-A sandwich right in front of me.  As my stomach feels like it is eating itself.  Good thing he is cute, huh?!

Richard being the 'supportive' husband ~ eating in front of me while I haven't had anything to eat in over 12  hours.

I'll try to check in with everyone in a few days.  They've warned me that days 3-5 will be the worse, but there will be a roller coaster of symptoms, as some symptoms hit at different times during my chemo cycle.

Feeling more blessed than ever.  I know this is the 'easy' day, but we are in good spirits.  Much love everyone!