It's Okay. I Have Cancer.

So, I've done A LOT a few things I'm not proud of...  So this isn't a marathon post, I will limit this list to just the last few months... Otherwise, we could be here awhile.
Truth is, when you have cancer, there are just some things you can get away with:

• Like eating a whole sleeve of Lemon Oreos.  For breakfast.  Before 8 o'clock in the morning. {Thank you chemo steroids}
• Nap for 5 hours in one day.  
• Cry at inappropriate times.
• Laugh at inappropriate times.
• Want to tell some one how you really feel when they politely ask you "How are you today?"  My mind says: "Well, my breasts were plotting to kill me, my 'new' boobs feel like whoopee cushions, I've got thrush, mouth sores and I could easily poop myself any minute."  My words say: "I'm good.  Thank you."
• Retail therapy.  Especially if mom is helping you foot the bill.  {Thanks Mom!}
• Shit yourself.  I'll spare you the details.  But, let's just say I am so thankful I was home.  And a word to any of you who may face chemo in the future: Never trust a chemo fart.  
• Totally acceptable to look at boobs on your computer or phone.  Even acceptable for your spouse to look at boobs on their phone or iPad.  For once, it's called research.  
• Wake your mom up at 2:30 in the morning because you don't want to eat Reese's cereal all by yourself.
• Gaining weight.  I blame it on the steroids.  But truth is, a lot of it is that at this point I just don't give a flip.  I'm sure (at least I hope) my attitude changes once my treatment is over, but for now, I find comfort in anything carb-y and salty.  

And a few things you shouldn't do if you have cancer:

• Blame yourself.  During infusion #3, there was a newbie sitting next to me.  She was probably in her mid-60's.  She shared with me that she has lung cancer.  Then, she hung her head and said she had been a smoker for years.  My heart broke, cancer is bad enough without the self-imposed guilt and shame.  NO ONE deserves cancer.  I can assure you, if there was some sort of cancer caused by binge eating carbs, I would have it.  And even then, I still wouldn't deserve it.  Her statement made me realize that I got one of the 'lucky' cancers that come with lots of resources and research funding, financial support, and pretty pink ribbons.  Instead of a big pink ribbon, a lot of cancers come wrapped in a bag of stigma.  Melenoma?  You must have spent too much time in the sun or in the tanning bed.  Liver cancer?  Clearly you drank yourself into that mess.  Lung cancer?  You were dumb and smoked cancer sticks cigarettes, despite all the warnings.  
• Google anything cancer related.  It will scare the shit out of you... (which isn't as quite out of the realm of possibility as it used to be).  
• Use it as an excuse to be mean to your spouse.  For the most part, I feel like I've been pretty nice to my husband during these times, admittedly not exactly the kind of nice he is probably wanting, but I plan to talk to my doctor about that, but on occasion I've taken out my frustration on him.  He deserves better.  Cancer is a family disease.  My job is to take care of myself and not poop myself.  His job is everything else, the biggest which is being the sane and stable voice of reason in a crazy season.  I fall in love with him more and more throughout all of this.  
• Clean.  Life is too short to spend time cleaning.  This has always been a philosophy of mine, now I just finally have a way to justify it.  

Signing off now... Those Oreos aren't going to eat themselves.  

Thinking about My Ta-ta's (and Trade-Ins)

I've been thinking a lot about boobs...

I feel mine a lot.  That lump has gotten way worse, I don't really fear it is cancer, but I definitely think my hormones have effected it.  Sometimes it stings and it is quite tender.  It scares me that if my body can grow a lump, then it can growth something worse, like cancer.  I'm not overly worried since my surgery is pending.  If I'm going to have a lump, now would be the time to have it because I know it will soon be evicted.  I'm ready to send that b!$@# packin'.  In a way, I am even grateful for it.  For me it serves as confirmation that I am making the right decision.  Without a pending mastectomy, rest assured, I would be in serious PANIC mode!

I look at pictures a lot...  Mostly post-op pictures. of women how have undergone prophylactic mastectomies.  It's scary.  Reconstruction is not an easy process.  There can be lots of complications.  There are lots of decisions to make.  So much unknown.  Once the whole process is complete, some of the results look absolutely beautiful and natural.  And some are downright hideous.  I pray that after the surgery, I am able to look at myself and know I made the right decision.  I know it will be tough, long road - physically and mentally.  A huge shout out to the women who have been vulnerable and brave enough to share their journey with pictures.

I've got to be honest, I love my boobs.  They have served me well.  I think they helped me overcome those awkward Jr High days.  Once I got boobs, people (and perhaps myself) forgot about the scrawny girl with big, thick glasses who lacked confidence.  I suddenly became the popular girl who could fill out the cheerleading uniform and prom dress.  They've helped me get out of a ticket or two.  They probably helped me pass a class or two.  I know they have gotten me more than my fair share of free drinks at the bar.  And I'm pretty sure they helped me catch an amazing husband (of course he loves me for more than my ta-ta's, but let's be honest ~ he noticed them!  Even though he's a gentleman, he's not blind).  Finally, they helped nourish my son, even though they didn't really want to cooperate.  Overall, they've been good to me.

It's a tough decision... My boobs are nearly the same (with the exception of that pesky lump) as they were 3 months ago before I found out I had the BRCA mutation.  They were acceptable then (although, admittedly I wished they were a little perkier), and now I look at them and I'm paranoid.  I feel like I've got a hit out on my health.  It may not be an immediate threat, but I feel like at some point, BRCA could win out, and that is simply not a risk I'm willing to take.

Surgery is not the only option.  Many women with the BRCA mutation find vigilant surveillance an option.  This would include bi-yearly mammograms and MRI's.  Not a horrible option, but there is some concern about exposing women prone to cancer to additional radiation.  Having a hysterectomy, which I have done, also can help reduce the rate of breast cancer, specifically those that are estrogen fed.  This of course, comes with hormonal changes, which can actually fuel cancer.  And, while a hysterectomy can reduce the chance of getting some breast cancers, the reduced risk still remains well above the general population, hovering around 50-60% I think.

Also, something to consider is that the vast majority of breast cancer cases are treatable.  If caught early, survival rates of breast cancer hover over 90%.  Y'all, those are great odds!  The big question is: Do you wait until you get cancer and then treat it?  Or to you take preventative action now?  It's a tough decision ~ and there are no right answers.  For me, I would much rather do this on MY terms, not wait around for cancer to dictate what needs to happen.  Everyday, I read posts from cancer survivors who wish they would have known their risk prior to getting cancer.

Another way to put it, there is a 60-87% chance your brakes will give out in your car, do you drive home?  Or do you ditch the car that has all the warning lights going off and trade it in for a different car?  Yes, the trade in process is tough, and painful.  But that inconvenience is way less severe than an accident (cancer).  You following me, Dawg?

Bottom line: It's a personal decision.  It's a difficult decision.  I pray about it often.

I'm reminded of a cartoon where a man is standing on top of his house in a flood.  Several options present themselves to rescue him, but he turns those options away saying he is waiting for God to rescue him.  The flood finally gets to him and he drowns.  He is in Heaven asking "God, why didn't you save me?"  God replies "I sent a raft, a boat and a helicopter, what else did you need?"  I've said before this is a gift.  I'm thankful for the warning.

#BLESSED

"Does this Mastectomy Make My Butt Look Big?"

I'm happy to report that with the exception of my hormonal hiccup on Wednesday, I continue to feel great after my hysterectomy.  I've started driving and can carry on throughout my day pretty much like normal, with the exception of lifting anything heavy (like a laundry basket, vacuum or adorable 4 year old).

The other day while Mase was at preschool, I decided to do a bit of retail therapy and get prepared for my mastectomy in a couple of weeks.  I've read that I'll need front closure bras and button down shirts.  Also, I've discovered the luxury of having nice pajamas.  Life is too short to piece pajamas together from old t-shirts and cheerleading shorts leftover from high school (that was 18 years ago!).  Goodness, those cheerleading shorts fit a little tighter now than they used to!

So... off I went.  A few thoughts I had on my shopping trip:

1. Every time I see a plaid button down shirt, I think Paul Bunyan.  This is going to be more difficult than I thought.  It seems like every button down shirt is plaid.  Lumberjack plaid.
2. I did manage to buy 3 sports bras that fasten in the front.  I tried them on and they all made me look like a pre-pubescent 12 year old.  I looked at myself and after my disgust, I told myself I had better get used to looking like a 12 year old.  Oy!  I got boobs the summer before my sophomore year of high school.  It was like BAM! I woke up and there they were!  And now, in just a few weeks BAM! they are gone.  That's going to take some getting used to.
3. I wonder if having no boobs will make my butt look big.  Do they make "Does this mastectomy make my butt look big" t-shirts?  If so, I'll take a large (damn it!) small/medium.   
4. Adorable, super soft pajama pants for $10 at Marshall's?  Yes, please!

(I just checked Pinterest and they do make a "Does this mastectomy make my butt look big" t-shirt.  Darn!  There goes that million dollar idea.)