It's Mom's Turn

It's been awhile since I've written a post... Sorry not sorry.  The truth is I've been too busy LIVING to sit down and write.  And I know all of my cheerleaders are so happy to hear that.  The past week, we've had 65-75 degree days, so Mase and I have been busy with park play dates, climbing rock walls, flying kites, playing pirate ship and anything else we can manage to do outside.  Oh, the feel of sun on my scalp is amazing!  *Note to self, put sunscreen on my pale, bald, head.*

This past weekend I went to Mom's and Mase and Richard had a guy's weekend.  Last week was Mom's turn to have her bilateral mastectomy.  As a reminder, Mom also is a carrier of the faulty BRCA mutation. To be honest, she should have been the first one to have her mastectomy, as the odds certainly aren't on her side (statistically she has an 87% chance of developing breast cancer by the time she's 70).  But, she insisted Jill and I have our surgeries first, even though she is at greater risk of developing cancer due to her age.  What an absolute blessing her selflessness turned out to be - my cancer was very aggressive and just waiting a few months would have made things much worse.  She didn't think twice about holding off on what she needed to make sure my sister and I could do what we needed.  I can't thank you enough, Mom! Please join me in praying she gets a clean pathology report... Honestly we are all waiting; Holding our proverbial breath for the pathology report, which should come in any day now.  Mom really is struggling to even take a breath - honestly it's difficult to even take a deep breath after a mastectomy.  Mom, it gets better, I promise!

As I was tending to mom this weekend, I had a roller coaster of emotions.  A mastectomy is not an easy surgery; It's physically hard and emotionally even harder.  To purposefully scar up your body in hopes of avoiding something even worse (cancer) is a hard decision.  Do you roll the dice and take the chance of being the lucky 13% who won't develop cancer?  Should you leave well enough alone? It's a tough call.  I also found myself joyful that Mom had done everything she could to reduce her risk.  She has done all that she can do, and there should come some relief with that (although the real relief will come after the path report comes back all clear).  Also, it felt good to just lay in bed with her or wake up and have ice cream at 2am together, as she had done with me so many times over the past 6 months.  I know she didn't need me, Dad had everything under control, but I also know it isn't always about what you need, it's about what you want.  I remember telling mom I didn't need her (Richard had everything under control), but I wanted her.  Sometimes you just need your mom... Or daughter.

Honestly, for our family, it is the easiest, most difficult decision ever. My mom was 8 years old when her mother died of ovarian cancer (another BRCA related cancer).  Her mother was carrier of the BRCA mutation, although of course it wasn't known back then.  Mom knows the pain of losing a parent.  Of wishing her mom could see her graduate, be there on her wedding day, or when her kids were born.  She doesn't want her time cut short with her family or grandkids.  She was robbed of time with her mom due to BRCA and she's determined to not let that happen for my brother, my sister or I.    I know the decision she made was about being there for us, because she didn't want us to go through what she had to when she lost her mom.  Again, thank you Mom!  We still need you!  God knows I still need you!

UPDATE: Mom's pathology report came back all clean!! Praise the Lord!! Can't wait to celebrate Asa family!

Fill 'Er Up... And Round #2

Today, I had my first expansion appointment.  Yay for more natural looking boobs!  While I was nervous, I've got to say the expansion was a cake walk, so far.  I was told that I may experience some tightness and soreness this evening and tomorrow, but I'm feeling like a badass today, so I'm not too worried about it.  I just hope that soreness moves on before the chemo symptoms are in full swing.

DCP, my plastic surgeon, walked in made some small talk and got to business.  He took a stud finder type tool to identify where the ports on my expanders are located.  Then, he numbed me up and I could barely feel the needle in my right breast, but felt a bit more of a pinch in my left breast.  Then, he took a syringe and filled each breast with 60cc's.  It was a piece of cake.  And I could immediately see a difference.  Yay!  My breast expansion has been pretty much been put on the back burner, my choice.  It just doesn't seem as important to me and since my chemo will slow down my exchange surgery, I am taking my sweet time.  But, I must admit, seeing a bit more of a breast mound made me feel good, closer to my normal.  

He couldn't nail down the plan exactly, as I get to pick how big I want to go, but he anticipated that I will need 4-5 more fill appointments and then will be able to do my exchange 6-8 weeks after my last chemo infusion.  I will still continue with the Herceptin infusions for a year, but he will do the exchange once my 6 chemo treatments are complete.  Looks like by May I will be swim suit shopping... And I'm hopeful that my swim suit options will be a little more generous since I can be a little less worried about the support factor.  

Next, we headed over to the Hulston Cancer Center for my chemo infusion.  While I dread chemo's side effects that will hit Saturday afternoon and last for 3-5 days, I found myself looking forward to some alone time with Richard.  Again, chemo infusion day is almost relaxing.  Not horrible.  And, I don't feel nearly as self conscious with my hair issues if I'm in a doctors office.  Another win.  Always a silver lining.  Feeling much more normal today than I did yesterday...  God bless everyone!

Thinking about My Ta-ta's (and Trade-Ins)

I've been thinking a lot about boobs...

I feel mine a lot.  That lump has gotten way worse, I don't really fear it is cancer, but I definitely think my hormones have effected it.  Sometimes it stings and it is quite tender.  It scares me that if my body can grow a lump, then it can growth something worse, like cancer.  I'm not overly worried since my surgery is pending.  If I'm going to have a lump, now would be the time to have it because I know it will soon be evicted.  I'm ready to send that b!$@# packin'.  In a way, I am even grateful for it.  For me it serves as confirmation that I am making the right decision.  Without a pending mastectomy, rest assured, I would be in serious PANIC mode!

I look at pictures a lot...  Mostly post-op pictures. of women how have undergone prophylactic mastectomies.  It's scary.  Reconstruction is not an easy process.  There can be lots of complications.  There are lots of decisions to make.  So much unknown.  Once the whole process is complete, some of the results look absolutely beautiful and natural.  And some are downright hideous.  I pray that after the surgery, I am able to look at myself and know I made the right decision.  I know it will be tough, long road - physically and mentally.  A huge shout out to the women who have been vulnerable and brave enough to share their journey with pictures.

I've got to be honest, I love my boobs.  They have served me well.  I think they helped me overcome those awkward Jr High days.  Once I got boobs, people (and perhaps myself) forgot about the scrawny girl with big, thick glasses who lacked confidence.  I suddenly became the popular girl who could fill out the cheerleading uniform and prom dress.  They've helped me get out of a ticket or two.  They probably helped me pass a class or two.  I know they have gotten me more than my fair share of free drinks at the bar.  And I'm pretty sure they helped me catch an amazing husband (of course he loves me for more than my ta-ta's, but let's be honest ~ he noticed them!  Even though he's a gentleman, he's not blind).  Finally, they helped nourish my son, even though they didn't really want to cooperate.  Overall, they've been good to me.

It's a tough decision... My boobs are nearly the same (with the exception of that pesky lump) as they were 3 months ago before I found out I had the BRCA mutation.  They were acceptable then (although, admittedly I wished they were a little perkier), and now I look at them and I'm paranoid.  I feel like I've got a hit out on my health.  It may not be an immediate threat, but I feel like at some point, BRCA could win out, and that is simply not a risk I'm willing to take.

Surgery is not the only option.  Many women with the BRCA mutation find vigilant surveillance an option.  This would include bi-yearly mammograms and MRI's.  Not a horrible option, but there is some concern about exposing women prone to cancer to additional radiation.  Having a hysterectomy, which I have done, also can help reduce the rate of breast cancer, specifically those that are estrogen fed.  This of course, comes with hormonal changes, which can actually fuel cancer.  And, while a hysterectomy can reduce the chance of getting some breast cancers, the reduced risk still remains well above the general population, hovering around 50-60% I think.

Also, something to consider is that the vast majority of breast cancer cases are treatable.  If caught early, survival rates of breast cancer hover over 90%.  Y'all, those are great odds!  The big question is: Do you wait until you get cancer and then treat it?  Or to you take preventative action now?  It's a tough decision ~ and there are no right answers.  For me, I would much rather do this on MY terms, not wait around for cancer to dictate what needs to happen.  Everyday, I read posts from cancer survivors who wish they would have known their risk prior to getting cancer.

Another way to put it, there is a 60-87% chance your brakes will give out in your car, do you drive home?  Or do you ditch the car that has all the warning lights going off and trade it in for a different car?  Yes, the trade in process is tough, and painful.  But that inconvenience is way less severe than an accident (cancer).  You following me, Dawg?

Bottom line: It's a personal decision.  It's a difficult decision.  I pray about it often.

I'm reminded of a cartoon where a man is standing on top of his house in a flood.  Several options present themselves to rescue him, but he turns those options away saying he is waiting for God to rescue him.  The flood finally gets to him and he drowns.  He is in Heaven asking "God, why didn't you save me?"  God replies "I sent a raft, a boat and a helicopter, what else did you need?"  I've said before this is a gift.  I'm thankful for the warning.

#BLESSED