Thinking about My Ta-ta's (and Trade-Ins)

I've been thinking a lot about boobs...

I feel mine a lot.  That lump has gotten way worse, I don't really fear it is cancer, but I definitely think my hormones have effected it.  Sometimes it stings and it is quite tender.  It scares me that if my body can grow a lump, then it can growth something worse, like cancer.  I'm not overly worried since my surgery is pending.  If I'm going to have a lump, now would be the time to have it because I know it will soon be evicted.  I'm ready to send that b!$@# packin'.  In a way, I am even grateful for it.  For me it serves as confirmation that I am making the right decision.  Without a pending mastectomy, rest assured, I would be in serious PANIC mode!

I look at pictures a lot...  Mostly post-op pictures. of women how have undergone prophylactic mastectomies.  It's scary.  Reconstruction is not an easy process.  There can be lots of complications.  There are lots of decisions to make.  So much unknown.  Once the whole process is complete, some of the results look absolutely beautiful and natural.  And some are downright hideous.  I pray that after the surgery, I am able to look at myself and know I made the right decision.  I know it will be tough, long road - physically and mentally.  A huge shout out to the women who have been vulnerable and brave enough to share their journey with pictures.

I've got to be honest, I love my boobs.  They have served me well.  I think they helped me overcome those awkward Jr High days.  Once I got boobs, people (and perhaps myself) forgot about the scrawny girl with big, thick glasses who lacked confidence.  I suddenly became the popular girl who could fill out the cheerleading uniform and prom dress.  They've helped me get out of a ticket or two.  They probably helped me pass a class or two.  I know they have gotten me more than my fair share of free drinks at the bar.  And I'm pretty sure they helped me catch an amazing husband (of course he loves me for more than my ta-ta's, but let's be honest ~ he noticed them!  Even though he's a gentleman, he's not blind).  Finally, they helped nourish my son, even though they didn't really want to cooperate.  Overall, they've been good to me.

It's a tough decision... My boobs are nearly the same (with the exception of that pesky lump) as they were 3 months ago before I found out I had the BRCA mutation.  They were acceptable then (although, admittedly I wished they were a little perkier), and now I look at them and I'm paranoid.  I feel like I've got a hit out on my health.  It may not be an immediate threat, but I feel like at some point, BRCA could win out, and that is simply not a risk I'm willing to take.

Surgery is not the only option.  Many women with the BRCA mutation find vigilant surveillance an option.  This would include bi-yearly mammograms and MRI's.  Not a horrible option, but there is some concern about exposing women prone to cancer to additional radiation.  Having a hysterectomy, which I have done, also can help reduce the rate of breast cancer, specifically those that are estrogen fed.  This of course, comes with hormonal changes, which can actually fuel cancer.  And, while a hysterectomy can reduce the chance of getting some breast cancers, the reduced risk still remains well above the general population, hovering around 50-60% I think.

Also, something to consider is that the vast majority of breast cancer cases are treatable.  If caught early, survival rates of breast cancer hover over 90%.  Y'all, those are great odds!  The big question is: Do you wait until you get cancer and then treat it?  Or to you take preventative action now?  It's a tough decision ~ and there are no right answers.  For me, I would much rather do this on MY terms, not wait around for cancer to dictate what needs to happen.  Everyday, I read posts from cancer survivors who wish they would have known their risk prior to getting cancer.

Another way to put it, there is a 60-87% chance your brakes will give out in your car, do you drive home?  Or do you ditch the car that has all the warning lights going off and trade it in for a different car?  Yes, the trade in process is tough, and painful.  But that inconvenience is way less severe than an accident (cancer).  You following me, Dawg?

Bottom line: It's a personal decision.  It's a difficult decision.  I pray about it often.

I'm reminded of a cartoon where a man is standing on top of his house in a flood.  Several options present themselves to rescue him, but he turns those options away saying he is waiting for God to rescue him.  The flood finally gets to him and he drowns.  He is in Heaven asking "God, why didn't you save me?"  God replies "I sent a raft, a boat and a helicopter, what else did you need?"  I've said before this is a gift.  I'm thankful for the warning.

#BLESSED

God Winks

Today started out a little rough.  Let's just say too much coffee, forgetting my estrogen pill this morning and too much anxiety makes for a bit of a rough morning.  Not horrible, just feeling a bit 'off.'

But, then I went on a walk (my first 'purposeful' exercise since my hysterectomy two weeks ago) with a trusted friend who shared about some of her daughter's medical procedures.  And, I ran into another friend who has to take her son to an inpatient hospital procedure tomorrow.  It was a good reminder, no matter how anxious I feel, my anxiety would be 100 times worse if it were Mase going through health struggles.  Prayers for these strong mamas!  No matter how tough this journey gets, it's always a blessing to remember my kiddo is healthy!  I got this!  God's got this!

I also had a nice conversation with my mom today.  There are so many decisions to make; so many doubts to ponder.  I came to the conclusion, that no matter what happens, everything has a way of working out.  Maybe I go through these surgeries and I would have been in the lucky pool and have never gotten cancer...  It will still work out.  Or, maybe I don't go through the mastectomy and I will later develop cancer... It will still work out.  Things always have a way of working out.

During my fit of anxious energy this morning, I decided to look for a study pillow.  I've seen several ladies on a prophylactic mastectomy website comment how helpful they were during recovery.  So, off I went to Bed Bath and Beyond.  I was so relieved when I found one.  On clearance!  It didn't dawn on me until I got home, but the only color on clearance was teal.  Teal is one of the colors for the BRCA awareness ribbon.  I've mentioned it before, but my mom calls these types of things God Winks.  Some people call them coincidences, but we believe that the universe is too big for coincidences...  I like to believe this is God's way of showing himself.  Some may see this as hokey/cheesy/corny WHATEVER!  I see it as a gentle sign that He is with me on this journey.  I'll take it!  Along with my $11 teal study pillow.  Oh... and it just happens to be National Hereditary Breast & Ovarian Cancer Week.

And now I'm crying.  But they are happy tears...  Stupid hormones.  

"They Seem Like Happy Tears, But They Don't Feel As Good"

My morning started out great... I woke up around 8:15 am and the entire house is quiet.  Everyone, including Richard who is off today, is sleeping in and I love it!  It's been a long week and we all deserve to sleep in.  I can hear that sweet little 4 year old moving around a bit, but it seems he is slow to wake up and totally content just hanging out in bed a bit longer.

My mom is still here, but she's leaving today.  Part of me is ready to get back to our regular routine and part of me is so scared to see her go.  Richard and Mase go to the basement to workout and Mom and I sit on the back deck laughing a lot and crying a little.  I don't care how old you are, you are never too old to need your mom.  Really, I've been feeling quite well physically and Mason has been beyond good throughout all of this, so I didn't need her 'manpower' like I thought would, but I did need her 'mom power' ~ you know someone to make me banana pudding, wash my sheets, and lay in bed with me and hold my hand.  

Another sweet friend brings by another delicious dinner.  At this point, I feel guilty even accepting these dinners.  I'm feeling really good and totally capable of making dinner at least for now.  

After mom left, I'm feeling strong and we decide to take Mase mini-golfing.  I'm totally up for getting out the house and spending some quality time with my sweet little family of 3.  At the mini-golf course, I watch Mase playing and getting so excited.  I'm sure the feeling will fade, but for now, I cherish those little moments a little more now.  This is all I've got.  I've got one shot of enjoying this sweet little four year old ~ there are no second chances.  Goodness, I'm sorry that sounded so dramatic.  

We head home from mini-golf and lunch and Mase falls asleep in the car.  I look back at him, see that sweet little face, and start to cry.  I choke back the tears because I don't want Richard to see me crying.  "Damn it!  He saw me!"  I quickly turn my head and look outside the passenger window.  

He hates it when I cry.  I know he would give anything to have me not hurt.  We talked about how to handle me crying before my hysterectomy, because we knew there might be some hormonal tears throughout the recovery.  We agreed that I would be brutally honest with him and tell him exactly what I needed and why I was crying (if I knew), and that he would have to accept my "I don't know why I'm crying" answer if that's the one I gave.  Before he could even ask I say in my quivering voice "I don't know why I'm crying.  I'm thinking about how blessed I am to have you and Mase.  They seem like happy tears, but the they don't feel as good."  

Thankfully, we pull up into the garage.  I quickly (well, as quickly as I move post-hysterectomy) jump out and head to bed.  I'm exhausted.  Richard scoops sleeping Mase up and puts him in his room.  Then, he comes to lay down with me.  And just holds me and lets me cry a bit more.  Somehow a good family nap makes everything a little better.  

Oh, and around 4:55 I look at my phone and remember that we have soccer practice that starts at 5:00 (and we live around 20 minutes from the soccer field).  Team Moss pulls through and we get to the field not too long after practice starts.  That's what Team Moss does... we always pull through ~ TOGETHER!

And, now we are back home... Getting ready to enjoy a dinner that I started out my day thinking I could totally handle.  But now the end of the day I clearly realize that if it were left up to me my family would be having cereal for dinner (and as I type that I realize we are out of milk so in all honesty cereal isn't even an option) But because of my sweet friends I don't even have to think twice about dinner. So blessed!  Blessed with family.  Blessed with friends.  Blessed in so many ways.  And yet, the tears still fall...  Geez!  Enough with the dramatics!  You all know that isn't really my style.  It's the hormones.  Don't worry, I will be back to my smartass self soon enough.

One Week Update

Well, I'm about one week out from my hysterectomy and I must admit, for the most part, I feel like a ROCK STAR!  Okay, admittedly, it's easy to feel like a rock star when you have people waiting on you hand and foot (shout out to my mother-in-law Val and my mom Donna!) and amazing friends who cook up delicious dinners and deliver them to the front door!

Around day 5, I switched from the hydrocodone to just taking ibuprofen.  Today, I took 3 ibuprofen this morning, but haven't had any since and I'm feeling really good.  Tired, but still for the most part very little pain.  I am taking about half a hydrocodone at night, just because I think it helps me sleep, but I may even stop doing that soon.  Or I may ration them for nights when I really need a good nights sleep.  Don't judge.

I still wear my abdominal binder (it's kind of like a girdle, but it actually feels good) at times during the day, and that is helpful as it supports my back.  The first 3-4 days were filled with bloating and a bit of cramping, but the majority of my pain has been in my back.  It's nothing that is unmanageable, I just feel my back gets tired easier than the rest of me.  Since I'm off the pain meds for the most part, I think I may try to tackle driving tomorrow.

Mason has been so good throughout all of this!  Of course, he's had his Nannie and GG here to spoil him rotten, but really, that kid has been so good about realizing that mommy can't pick him up or rough house.  A few times I've told him that mommy has boo-boos and he thinks all I need is a band aid and it will all be better.  Because when you are a kid, isn't everything made better by a TMNT band aid?!

My mother-in-law kept Mason while I was in the hospital and came home with us the first few days.  She was amazing!  I know lots of people tell the dreaded mother-in-law stories, but mine is awesome!  I know Richard and Mason enjoyed having her here just as much as I did.

My mom!  She's the cook from scratch type of mom, so she's cringing making me pudding from a box. 

My mom has spent the past few days here and has been equally as amazing.  Today, she made me banana pudding with vanilla wafers, one of my childhood favorites.  As a kid, she made the kind that you had to stir non-stop for 30 minutes over the stove.  This time I had her make Jell-O pudding and slice a banana up in there (she fully protested making it using a box pudding mix and cool whip).  I've got to say, she was right (AGAIN!) her stuff is indeed much better than the Jell-O recipe I insisted on.  No worries, I told her she could get a re-do in a few weeks when I have my mastectomy.  Oh, and hopefully she'll make me some of her amazing chocolate chip cookies then, too.

Mom was right, homemade is better.  But this will do for now.

My Swag Bag/Getting Spoiled

Okay, between my sister and my amazing friends, I've accumulated quite the swag back of goodies.  I'll try to keep an updated list, as it may be helpful for anyone reading this blog on what may be helpful for friends who are having surgery in the future:

• 10 ft. phone charger.  Jill said mine cost about $10 and it's so nice not to have to contort to reach your phone.  And, since I'm mostly laid up in bed and unable to sleep, I'm on my phone a lot.  
• Stool softeners.  G-L-A-M-O-R-OUS!  A big plate of fruit, a strong iced coffee and stool softeners - Breakfast of champions.  At least champions who are deathly afraid of going poop after surgery.  Pushing isn't really an option, so I'm not sure what all of that is going to look like.  If this is too much information, then please read the book "Everybody Poops".
• Magazines.  Like the old school kind.  There is just something nice about flipping the pages.  And if you doze off, you haven't dropped your $600 iPad.  Let me say, I've dropped my magazines several times.  
• Jill gave me her left over pads.  She even splurged for the kind that were wrapped in brightly colored wrappers.  I've not had to use them yet, as I've had very little bleeding.  But, still nice to have on hand.
• Chap stick
• Pain meds/gas pills (which Dad said wouldn't work very well since the gas is just floating around my body and not in my digestive track).  And crackers, which I eat when I take my pain meds.  
• Abdominal binder.  This is like a giant piece of velcro that fits on you like a corset.  You'd think it would be incredibly uncomfortable, but it actually feels good to wear for a bit.  My abs are on fire and it feels as though they are constantly having to work to hold everything in.  
• Thank you notes.  My goal is to write thank you notes as needed, but I'm not making any promises.  I've noticed the pain meds make my handwriting a bit more sloppy.  
• Mints
• Body pillow - it feels really good to hold onto something.  I tend to sleep mostly on my back or side and wrap my entire body around the pillow, similar to how a bear would hug a tree.

In the 48 hours since my surgery, me and my family have been showered with love and support.  Brian, my ex-husband and Richard's best friend, came to hang out with R while I was in surgery and brought R some breakfast.  How sweet was that?  My book study gals sent a gorgeous bouquet of flowers to the hospital and my father-in-law brought flowers, too.  Those flowers are actually now sitting in Mason's room because Mason insisted he needed flowers in his room just like mom has.  We've been showered with delicious food, and I know that there is delicious food coming for the next 3 weeks!  While I can't eat near the amount I wished I could (I'm sure once all this gas escapes I'll be able to pack some more food in my pie-hole), I love the idea that my girlfriends are bringing food to help take care of my family.  They know that is something I worry about, so they've completely eliminated that burden from my plate.  They do love me, but they also love my family.  Again, how cool is that?  My first meal was a delicious, light soup.  It was perfect since I certainly don't feel like eating huge meals right now, at least until I can gauge how this pooping thing will turn out.  Oh, and my friend Brooke sent these amazing get-well themed truffle pops.  I was only able to take a bite of one so far, but I can't wait until I can get down with one of those!  I'm pretty sure she's trying to fatten me up.  I welcome the challenge.  Clearly my friends know me well because they are bringing lots of carbs.

This morning, I made a nice little dynamite cocktail (that's what my sweet mother in law called it).  It was an iced coffee, spiked with miralax and used to chase down a stool softener.  Okay, enough for now... I've got goals to reach today.  Hopefully my dynamite cocktail will work :).  

The Big Dance

My hysterectomy was yesterday morning, here's how the big dance went down... At least the parts that I can remember:

Tuesday afternoon we drove to Joplin and stayed with my in-laws.  My mother in law hosted a small birthday party for Mase which was a great distraction!  Surprisingly, I felt relatively calm all day.  Some nerves, but it was all very manageable.  I even managed to sleep really well from 10pm to around 2:30am.  I wasn't expecting to sleep much at all, so I'll count that as a win.

Wednesday

4:00 am - I 'wake up' get up and take a quick shower, as who knows when I will get to shower next.  Poor Richard is exhausted because little Mase suckered him into sleeping on the futon so they could have a father-son sleep over.  I get dressed and quietly go in to kiss Mase on the cheek.  I'm sad.  I know this hysterectomy decision affects my entire family.  On one hand, Mase won't ever get a sibling, on the other hand, I am doing this FOR my family.  

My mom was 8 years old when she lost her mom to ovarian cancer. Her mom wasn't there to teach her all the things little girls (and grown up girls) learn from their mom.  Admittedly, I still need my mom, which I'm sure will become all too evident after surgery.  Up to this point, I've always felt sorry for my mom, but now that I am a mom myself, I cannot imagine the array of pain my maternal grandmother, Mildred, must have gone through, too.  Obviously, physically cancer is rough.  But the emotional pain of knowing your kids aren't going to have you when they need you ~ I cannot even put it into words.  The hurt, sadness and worry she must have experienced...  I literally cannot imagine.  Grandma Mildred would have given anything to have the warning.  My mom, had a full on abdominal hysterectomy complete with a big scar to prove it purely out of fear that we would end up without our mother.  She knew that pain and she wanted to protect us from experiencing what she went through.  I'm doing the same for Mason.  He NEEDS me.  And that is why this BRCA warning is such a blessing.  This surgery protects me, it protects him and it protects our entire family.  

5:00 am - Richard and I leave for the hospital.  I'm nervous and my mouth is so dry, but they've told me absolutely no food or drink since midnight, so I quickly take a few sips of water when R isn't looking.  

Pre-Op
5:30 am - Richard and I are called back into the prep room where I am told to get completely undressed and to wipe down with these towelettes and use this mouthwash that made my mouth a bit sticky.  I put on my fancy gown, hairnet, and booties and we wait...  I'm so nervous my body is literally shaking.  Or maybe the room was cold.  Probably a combination of both.  

5:45 am - A nurse comes in to start my IV.  Shit's getting real and I continue to shake.  

6:30 am - Several people come in and ask me the same set of questions.  Then, the anesthesiologist comes in to introduce himself.  I keep my composure, but now realize that was a mistake.  Pretty sure Gill got knocked out on their first meeting since she turned on the tears.  Bummer!  He's leaving and I'm still awake!  Ugh, I fear I missed my window of opportunity to get knocked out early.  

6:45 am - DHL, my OBGYN, comes in to say good morning.  He's his usual calm, confident, reassuring self.  He's the reason why we drove 3 hours to have this procedure.  It's not lost on Richard and I that DHL helped bring our precious Mason into the world, and now he would be doing this surgery so that we could preserve our little family.  On a normal day, the gravity of that would have been huge.  But, frankly I quickly push that thought out of my head because I'm at maximum crazy capacity.  Still shaking.

I couldn't figure out how to get my hair net on.  

Don't hate me because I'm beautiful!  

7:15 am - The nurse anesthetist comes in to introduce herself.  I like her.  She doesn't seem much older than me and appears confident and reassuring.  She offers me a little patch to put behind my ear that would cut down on nausea should I have any.  I hear someone in the hallway say it's time to roll.  Tears start flowing and Richard leans over to kiss me good bye.  I know it must have been so tough for him to leave me as I was crying.  I know if he could trade places with me, he would in a heartbeat.    One of my biggest fears was seeing him walk away.  I was hoping I wouldn't be awake for that moment.  But, it happened and I survived.

Surgery
My gurney gets pushed through several rooms and corridors.  We arrive in the operating room and my eyes are closed, because I am scared.  Occasionally I would open my eyes during the transport and it feels like people are lined up just watching me.  Come to think of it, they probably had to stop so that me and my big rolling bed wouldn't run them over.  They had warned me that before we get to the operating room I would feel a little breeze.  I felt the breeze, so I knew we were close.  Again, I occasionally peak at my surroundings, but I can't see much besides bright lights since I don't have my glasses on.  They ask me to scoot off my bed to the surgical gurney.  I don't remember much, but I remember the surgical gurney feels really small.  Someone tells me I'm skinny, so it's nice I fit.  Isn't that what everyone wants to hear right before they go under, that they are skinny?  The nurse anesthetist tells me she's going to give me something to relax and it can't come soon enough.  I remember her starting to put an oxygen mask close to my face and being able to smell the plastic.  That's the last thing I remember.  Not to self: Next time, I'm listening to Jill and turning on the water works in the surgery holding cell.

Post-Op
8:00 am - My surgery lasts about 45 minutes, so I'm told.  I don't remember much about the recovery area, but for some reason I am picturing a woman with long, big, blond hair.  Not sure if she's real or someone I made up.  

At some point, DHL talks to Richard and reports that all went well and that everything looked good and healthy.  What a relief this must have been on Richard.  He's a bit of a control freak, but in a good way.  He would give anything to protect me from being scared or hurt.  

I must have been in recovery for quite some time, but I don't remember much of it.  

10:30 am - I vaguely remember being wheeled to our room and R is in the hallway waiting for me.  Somehow I am transferred to the bed in my recovery suite.  Again, I don't remember much, but I do remember being in a significant amount of pain and writhing around.  Perhaps my pain meds from surgery had worn off or I was just coming to enough to realize the amount of pain I was in.  I was probably out of it where I wasn't even aware of my actions or what I was saying, but I was definitely awake enough to know I was hurting.  Richard tells me that they administer a pain med through my IV which must have been effective because again, I don't remember much past that.    

12:00 pm - We're in a double room, and they transfer me to a different bed, as the first bed I'm in seems to be having a few issues.  No biggie, I've got a morphine drip and I must be feeling pretty good at this point.  Again, I don't remember much, just bits and pieces of certain moments.  Did I mention I'm in the postpartum unit of the hospital.  Lucky for them I wasn't wearing my crazy pants just yet and even if I wanted to they wouldn't fit because I'm so bloated!, but putting a woman who just had a hysterectomy around babies seems like it has potential to be a disaster.  Lucky for me and everyone else around me, I wake up feeling good about my decision.  At least so far.  

At some point, I wake up and look up and my sister is walking in!  Again, I don't really remember much, but goodness, it meant a lot to me that she would come up and surprise me.  Like I've said, everyone deserves a Gill!  She brought me a grilled cheese and a peach mango tea.  I was so thirsty and hungry, but had a bit difficulty swallowing, probably because of the tube put down my throat during surgery.  

Jill, Richard and I hang out a bit, but I don't remember much of it.  I do remember taking a selfie :) for the blog.  Goodness, Gill is beautiful.  And I am pale and look a bit drunk.  Usually, Jill is the one that looks drunk in our selfies, because well...

Gill looks great.  I look like someone just ripped my insides out.  Oh wait, they did! 

I don't remember much of the remainder of the day.  I know I had trouble sleeping, but when I would go to sleep, it would be for 20-30 minutes, but it did feel like good sleep.  I also know I got up to walk a few time...  Perhaps the pain meds were working too good.  A few of the nurses were saying how great I looked for just having surgery since I was walking around.  I think those couple of walks will come back to bite me in my big o BRCA butt.  Oh, and I peed A LOT!  They make you pee in this top hat looking thing that measures your pee and I constantly was receiving fluids.

Around 3:30 the next morning, I called the nurses station to ask for another pill and they took my vitals and gave me a final dose of antibiotic.  R woke up with me and we ended up watching the Big Brother episode we missed.  Making memories at 3:30 in the morning.  Bonus, we were the only people in a double occupancy room, so R got to sleep in an actual bed.  Poor guy was flat out exhausted.  Yes, I had a big day, but let's be honest, so did he.  Sometimes I wonder if being the patient is the easy spot to be in.  He was dozing off, so I remember turning on some calming worship music to help us both get to sleep ~ it worked!  Either that or it was the morphine.  Let's just say it was the music though.

Me about 24 hours out from surgery.  I am so swollen  ~ everywhere!
Richard said it was a good look and wondered if we could take some of that fluid home.  Perhaps we show this swollen picture to Dr. Price before my mastectomy.  HAHA!  

My Pain
A few people have asked what current pain feels like.  Here's my best way of describing it... Imagine you have grossly over ate at Thanksgiving, and then you eat another plate (my mom calls this other plate a sampler, where she fixes herself one normal sized piece of every single dessert being served).  Then, you have one of those gas pains under your ribs that takes your breath away, paired with a giant, never-ending contraction.  And it feels like my bladder is constantly full.  It's uncomfortable, but it's not unbearable with the pain meds.  Pain meds mainly just take the edge off.  Admittedly the morphine drip I had in the hospital took the edge off quite a bit more than the hydrocodone they sent me home with.  Physically, I have three very small incisions.  One right under my belly button and two right above my pubic bone.  Surprisingly, there's been very little blood.  Although, BONUS!  I did manage to snag a few extra pair of those great, comfy mesh panties.  The nurse called them Fredrick's of Freemen (Hospital) undies.  Another interesting fact, my nurse actually has the BRCA gene too.  Her procedures will start in the next month.  

I'm Coming Home, Back Where I Belong (Richard and I used to cruise in the jeep, top down listening to this by Jay-Z and Skylar Gray)
We're home now, and my big goal for tomorrow is to pass some gas and take a shower.  That's right, I'm shooting for the stars!  Richard is currently laying next to me dropping bombs.  Pretty sure he's doing it to taunt me.  Every time he does it, and he's doing it a lot, he looks over at me, smiles, and then says he's sorry.  Richard: if you are sorry you will quit rubbing in the fact that you can fart and I can't.

Val, my sweet mother in law came up to help with Mase.  She's awesome!  She keeps wanting to do chores, but I'm hoping tomorrow she will just come lay in bed with me.

That's it for now... getting drowsy.  

Appreciate all the prayers, messages and texts.  God is good all the time.

I'm an F'n Mess and I Haven't Even Started This Thing Yet

Well, this time next week, I will be recovering from my hysterectomy.  I don't know what to think about that.  In fact, I actively try not to think about it.  When I think about it I get scared.  And sad.  And proud.  And scared.

I've been reading on a few websites that people are so happy with their decision to get a hysterectomy.  Most of those women seem to have issues with their uterus or ovaries, but mine have served me very well.  Proof is in the sweet, almost 4 year old that is sleeping in the next room.  I hope I'm doing the right thing.  I pray that I am making the right decision.  I don't know.  I can't even freaking decide what to make for dinner, I'm not real confident I can make a decision like this.  We don't want another baby right now, but the thought of that option being taken away is heartbreaking to me.  I'm hoping tomorrow will be better... Some days I feel like it's the right thing to do, but other days I'm not nearly as clear on what I want.  I can assure you, it isn't an easy decision to make at all!

I did just get a text from a friend of mine who has organized meals for my family after my surgery.  I'm overwhelmed at the amount of support I have!

Tears are flowing I thought this was only supposed to happen after my surgery.  My heart is full, and so heavy all at the same time.  I'm a f'n mess.  Time to drown my sorrows in a bowl of Reese's Puff's cereal.  Don't judge.

An Update

An update on my Gill:  Jill is two weeks out from the bomb squad taking care of business (her hysterectomy).  She is doing remarkably well!  She has started driving again and is able to take care of some light house duties.  Physically, the recovery has been easier than expected.  I won't say it's been easy by any means, but she's capable of doing a lot more than she thought she would be (and most definitely doing more than she probably should be).  Physically, the first week was rough, but the second week has been a turning point.  I don't think she was prepared for the emotional toll the hysterectomy would take on her.  She said the first week was horrendous, but seems to be leveling out the second week.  That Gill is such a trooper!  Seriously, she's my hero!

An update on me:  Yesterday I received my mammogram results and everything appeared to be normal!  Hallelujah!  I know that there are a lot of women who would give anything for an unremarkable finding.

Today, I met with a highly recommended plastic surgeon to find out my reconstruction options.  I visited Dr. Carl Price in Springfield, MO.  His office staff was extremely friendly and made me feel very comfortable.  Dr. Price was sincere, attentive, personable and gave me a very realistic picture of the best route of reconstruction (even though it really wasn't exactly what I was hoping for).  Dr. Price also gave me the name of a breast surgeon who could handle the mastectomy; I will be meeting with him in a week to discuss the ins and outs of the mastectomy procedure.  I'm anxious.  But, really glad to be gathering all the information possible now, so that when I'm ready to press forward, I have the information to do so.

I've done quite a bit of research online, but this was my first time to visit with an actual person about the reconstruction process.  I was hoping I was a candidate for an immediate reconstruction (often called a direct to implant reconstruction).  Dr. Price said he would do either procedure, but preferred to do a stage reconstruction with tissue expanders.  The stage reconstruction lasts between 3-5 months (Yikes!) but he said he gets better results with that procedure and there are fewer complications and risks.  Once I was finished with Dr. Price, a nurse led me to a room where they took some 'before' pictures.  Goodness, that was an experience!  I had never been topless in front of a camera before I SWEAR!  So, that was a first, and once my 'after' pictures, that will most certainly be the last :).

Overall, my spirits are good.  I've been keeping very busy with work and planning Mason's birthday party and when you are neurotic like me, staying busy is your friend!  I do get scared when I think about the hysterectomy, so I just try not to think about it (if only it was that easy!).

One of my biggest stresses was how I would get my nose piercing out before my surgery.  Yes, I'm getting ready to have a couple of major surgeries and I am worried about a little nose stud in my nose.  My sister candidly told me "Julie, anyone going through menopause probably shouldn't have a nose piercing."  Touche Gill!  So, out came my nose piercing.  There is so much stuff I cannot control, so after about 3 hours of worrying about this (I told you I was crazy!) I just decided to take it out and be done with it.  I miss it, but I'm not stressing anymore about it, so that's worth something.

Shitty Sister of the Year Award Goes to Me!

Today is our birthday.  And, I made my sister cry.  So, the Shitty Sister of the Year award goes to me!  She assures me that it really wasn't anything I did, but it still is hard to see my Gill struggling.  But, truth be told a beer commercial would make her cry right now.  I've not been there yet, but I remember after having Mase, I had a few weeks like that.  It was tough.  I remember feeling so blessed and yet felt like I was constantly crying.  It was miserable.  I know she will fight through it..  Just wish she didn't have to.

Seriously, Jill is doing okay.  She knows people are praying for her and she appreciates those prayers so much.  When I call her to check in, she puts up a strong front, but I can tell that while the physical recovery seems to be much easier than she expected, the emotional roller coaster is tough.  She did say Jack brought home a box of cupcakes and a mango tea from Sonic and that made her feel better ~ that's the Gill I know and love!

Jill's Surgery Update

Thanks to everyone who said prayers and sent words of encouragement to Gill.  She anxiously reported for surgery around 5:30 this morning, surgery started around 7:00 am and wrapped up close to 8:00 am.  DHL reported that things went well and that he expects a typical, normal recovery for a hysterectomy.  I spoke with her a bit ago and she seemed to be in good spirits and not in a ton pain.  She was quite proud of herself for going pee on her own.  That Jill, always setting the bar high for herself.  Like when we were little I remember her career goals were to be a "Sandwich Artist" from Subway.  Aim high, Jill!

Jack, Jill's husband yes, their names are Jack and Jill, sent me this picture of Gill right before surgery.  My first thought was how beautiful she looked (seriously, who can rock a hair net like that?!).  Then, the worry started to set in and the tears started to flow.  You see, I know that look on her face.  You may see a pretty smile, but that's her "I'm going to smile because I'm fighting back the tears look."  Most of you may not be familiar with that look from Jill because she is so strong.  But, I know that look.  Goodness I love her!  

Jill before surgery... and likely after they gave her some medicine to calm her down.

Throw Up some Prayers/Thoughts/Good Vibes Please!

Just wanted to ask anyone reading this to say a prayer, send a good vibe, send good thoughts, or whatever you do out to Jill!  She has her hysterectomy surgery in the morning and is feeling quite anxious right now.

1. I wish her luck
2. I'm glad she's going first and not me :)
3. Love you sis! 

She's promised to take notes and to keep me posted so I could be well prepared for my surgery.  For most, taking notes while hung-over would be an issue, but lucky for me, Jill already practiced that a lot in college.   

As for me, I have scheduled my surgery date for mid-September.  It's still a few weeks away, so I'm not going to allow myself to worry just yet.  I also scheduled a mammogram for early September.  I am a bit worried about that, but was able to console my worry with an egg McMuffin and some new jeans.  How's that for coping?!  

Follow-Up Appointment

I must say, I've held up really well this past week.  I STILL haven't broken down about the news that I'm BRCA positive, and maybe I'm realizing it's nothing to break down about.  As Mom always says, "It is what it is... and will be what you make of it."  So, it is what it is.

On Thursday, I had a follow-up with DHL.  Have I mentioned how amazing he and his staff are?!  So, I was feeling all strong and all while Richard and I were waiting in the waiting area, but did get nervous after we had been called back to the exam room.  But, let's be honest, seeing that little table with the paper on it probably tends to make anyone a little nervous.  After a bit, Jessica-nurse-extraordinaire came in to check on us and gave me a folder with lots of BRCA+ statistics.  Then, a few minutes later, DHL came in.  He sat down, and could probably see the look of fear on my face, as the first question he asked was "Julie, how do you feel about being here today?"  My voice trembled and said I felt okay, but I was a little scared.  Richard reached over and grabbed my hand to comfort me, and I felt much better.

In his calming, soothing, confident way, DHL went over the numbers.

• Up to a 50% chance of breast cancer by 50, and 87% chance of breast cancer by age 70 (normal rates are around the 10-12% range)
• Up to 60% chance of ovarian cancer by age 70 (normal rates are .8-2%)

While I knew these stats, hearing him say them were sobering and scary.  We discussed options, which again I knew, but still scary to hear him say them.  The best chance for reducing cancer risk were a hysterectomy and double mastectomy.  

Now, I know some people reading this, might think it's a bit radical to follow through with these recommendations.  And, that's okay.  A post about what to say and not to say to someone BRCA+ soon to follow.  The thing is, my mother was 8 years old when her mother died of ovarian cancer.  Her mom was sick for years prior to that.  Ovarian cancer robbed my mom of her mom (granted she did gain my Grandma Canote as her fairy step-mother ~ she was an amazing lady).  My sister and I have determined we will not let that happen to our kids...  And, thanks to modern medicine, we don't have to take that risk.

Once we talked about my results, Richard left and DHL did a quick exam to make sure things were as they should be and that a laparoscopic hysterectomy would be appropriate.  Typically, he's quite gentle, although this time he seemed to be a little more aggressive thorough.  Of course, I might have been a little more scared/tense this time around too.  He said everything appeared to be normal, so yay for that!

We discussed a few dates for the hysterectomy, but nothing is set in stone yet.  I'll keep you posted.  Just know that in the next few weeks and months if I am a raging bitch a bit sensitive, then there is actually a medical reason for it.  Wondering how long I can use the "it's a medical condition" for an excuse...

After leaving DHL's office, we had to go to the lab for a quick blood test.  I believe it is called a CA-125 and is supposed to indicate risk for ovarian cancer.  DHL warned us this test isn't very accurate at all, but it was the best they had.  That's the scary thing about ovarian cancer, it isn't easily detectable and by the time it is detectable, it is often in the late stages.  I'm not overly concerned with these results, although perhaps I should be.

Update on Jill:  She is going in next week for her hysterectomy.  It will likely only require one night in the hospital and she should be back to mostly normal activities (no heavy lifting) in nearly a week. Just like most things in life, Jill is taking the plunge first, so she can fill me in on all the details.  She's always been the rebel out of two of us.