"This is what makes these treatments worth it."

That sweet little face!

Tomorrow I go in for another treatment.  On one hand I'm dreading it, but on the other I'm excited about it being my 4th out of 6 treatments.  After this next one, I will officially be on the down hill of the harsh chemo (God willing).
This morning, we were laying around having coffee and Mase wanted some cuddle time.  Since he's a very active 4 year old, these moments are a rarity these days.  I remember laying there with him, smelling his sweet little breath, holding his little hand, and feeling his cold little feet on my leg.  Somehow this moment makes going in for my treatment tomorrow easier.  THIS is what makes these treatments worth it.  When I think about the choice of skipping treatments or enduring them to ensure I am around for this kid as long as I can be, it's an easy decision.  Seeing that sweet face turns my dread into gratitude that I have access to the treatment.

Just Checking In

Hi all!  Just checking in.  I haven't written in over a week.  Some of you have messaged me to check in, thank you for your concern.  The truth is, I haven't written in awhile because I have been feeling so darn good that I've just been enjoying life.  I've enjoyed spending time with friends and listening to little ones run around a friends kitchen while we finish a craft the kids gave up on in 2 minutes.  I've enjoyed dinner with the girls and some uninterrupted grown up conversations.  I've enjoyed playing Lego's with Mason.  I've enjoyed some quiet time and a few date nights with the hubs.  And, this weekend, I enjoyed being surrounded by the Moss side of the family and hearing the kids sing Happy Birthday to Jesus.  And Mase having a sleepover with his cousin at his Nannie and Poppy Snyder's house.  Oh, the sound of two little boys giggling at 11:00pm when they are supposed to be going to sleep ~ it was music to my ears and honestly brought tears to my eyes.  We are blessed.  And I've always felt blessed, but even more so this Christmas as we celebrate with family.  Life is good.  God is great.

Lots to celebrate!  So thankful for this guy!

Mase is ready to dig into the presents.

My handsome kiddo

Abundantly Blessed

For the most part, it's been a good week.  I'm finally getting over a cold, which I likely got while my immune system was down.  Thankful I am starting to feel better and also that I am hopeful I will be well for my next treatment, which will be this coming Thursday.  

Ugh!  I have a love/hate relationship with my treatments.  I dread it.  I've found my good days getting clouded by the dread of knowing what's to come.  I know next weekend I will be very sick, very achy and not able to do much of anything.  I know my only goal next Saturday, Sunday and Monday will be to make it through the day.  It almost seems sinful to waste a good day, such as today, with worrying about the future.  But, the worry manages to creep in.  

I also love the fact that after my next treatment, I will be 1/3 the way through.  And by New Year's I will be half way finished with my sentence treatment.  I'm hoping to have a cute, spunky hair style by summer.  I can do this!  It's just a season, right?  Come to think of it, New Year's day I will likely feel the same way some of you may feel on New Year's Day.  Hungover.  I guess I can take comfort in knowing my chemo hangover isn't of my own doing.  

Okay, back to being abundantly blessed.  I've been working on Christmas cards, and as I write each one, I am reminded of why I am abundantly blessed.  It isn't at all the things around me, it is the people around me.  It's my boss and department I work for that has been beyond supportive of me.  It's my friend Joni in Marshfield who watches Mase when I have appointments and showers him with love.  It's my friends Sam and Tara who I haven't seen in nearly a year and continue to text me at those times I need the support.  Their texts of encouragement always seem to come just when I need it.  Or my best friend from high school Sarah, who always makes me smile and we can pick up a conversation so easily just like we did in high school.  Or my mom and dad, who have been beyond supportive of me ~ not just with this cancer ordeal, but my entire life, whether I deserved their support or not.  And my sister.  Especially my sister.  Today she told me "it's okay to tell me when you have bad days.  You don't need to protect me from those.  I want to be there for you."  She said she can tell when I have a bad day because I won't answer my phone.  She's right.  She knows me all too well.  I miss her something awful!  

And then there is my little family.  I look at Mase and I just want to cry ~ but in a good way.  I love the little guy he is becoming.  He has a heart of gold!  I am so thankful that he's not old enough to be embarrassed of me and my bald head.  That would break my heart.  Instead, he helps me pick out my hat and headscarves, and I almost always go with whatever he picks.  If only time would slow down.  That kid has my heart.  I love him so much that it makes my heart ache, again in a good way.  And then there is my husband.  Who continues to shave his head since I am losing my hair.  Who still wakes up in the middle of the night to ask me if I need anything.  Who loves me unconditionally.  And supports me and encourages me to be me...  I am humbled that I get to be married to such an amazing man and that Mason has such an awesome example of a man to look up to.  I love both of them so much it's quite frankly hard to even put into words...  

Even though I have this cancer thing going on, I still feel like the absolute luckiest girl in the world. 

The Cut: Take Two. Rockin' the Bald

After chemo on Thursday and a follow-up shot on Friday, I knew my good hair days were numbered.  Generally, they tell you that your hair will start to come out in massive clumps between days 10-14.  I was feeling strong and felt ready to take the plunge.  So, I called up my good friend Brittany and made an appointment to get my head shaved on Saturday afternoon.

Some women choose to let their hair fall out on their own.  But, I'm a bit of a control freak, so that just isn't my style.  I've read that it can be quite traumatic to see clumps of hair on your pillow, in the shower, or on your hair brush.  I've heard from a few Survivors that your hair falling out actually hurts; that your head gets extremely sensitive.  And, I wanted to do the deed on my terms, when I felt strong and with Mason present so he could see mommy was just getting a silly new hair cut.

Richard agreed to meet Mason, my mom, and I at Head Case hair salon.  To my surprise, he walked out and greeted me with a big, bald head!  He knew I would need the support and didn't want me to have to go at it alone, so he showed up a bit early and had Brittany shave his head before I got there.  I was so touched... And come to think of it, I should have seen it coming.  Richard and I always call our little family of three Team Moss.  One team, one dream!  That's just who he is: we're in this together, no matter what!  The good, the bad and the ugly (I still haven't figured out which of those three categories Richard's bald head fits into yet).

I walked into the salon, gave Brittany a big hug and started to make my way over to her chair.  There wasn't a lot of time to second guess things ~ I was ready to do this!  I felt really strong, up until I looked over at my mom and saw big tears welling up in her eyes.  I'm not sure what she was thinking: perhaps pride that I was handling this so strongly; or perhaps she was just sad I was having to go through this.  Either way, I quickly wiped away my tears and made my way over Brittany's chair.  Brittany asked if I was ready and I gave her a simple nod.  On the outside I smiled my way through the shave.  On the inside, I was in shock that this was actually happening: I have cancer.  I have f#@$%&* cancer!  THIS is happening and it's happening right now!  Deep breath.  I shut my eyes and feel the clippers against my head.  It feels cool, as my scalp has never had so much room to breathe before.

I distract myself by talking to my mom, Richard and Mase.  Mase is dancing around the shop and thinks my hair looks silly.  Eventually, Brittany turns the chair and I catch a glimpse of my head in the mirror.  While it was a bit of a shock, I have to admit, it wasn't as bad as I expected.  I was still me, just with a shaved head.  Did I love it?  No, but I didn't hate it!  I looked at myself in the mirror and I remember telling myself "You can do this!"  I find myself saying that phrase to myself a lot these days...

I absolutely love Mase's face in this picture!  Sweet kid has taken all this in stride!
So blessed to be his mommy!  

My handsome little family.  

Rockin' the bald!  Thankful for a few other ladies I know who encouraged me to rock the bald.  Not sure I would have been able to do it on my own without the encouragement of a few bald beauties I know!  

A Good Reminder...

Last night was Halloween.  I literally spent all day in bed, as I knew I would need to save my energy for trick-or-treating with Mase.  I tire very easily these days.  I've lost 5 pounds, which is a lot for me.   Seems I was just one breast cancer away from reaching my goal weight :).  My arms and legs are skinny, there is very little muscle tone left.  Not to worry, I plan on getting that back and my appetite is finally coming back.  I just knew I didn't want Mase to miss out on something because I was too tired to participate.  I know we will all have to make adjustments during this season, I just pray those adjustments don't interfere with him doing the things he loves to do.

Our friends, the Manselle's, hosted a fabulous Halloween party.  I cannot tell you how good it felt to be surrounded by some of our favorite families and watch Mase squeal with excitement during trick-or-treating.  Being around friends and seeing the kids get so excited was a good reminder that even though the journey is going to be tough, it is worth it.

Maverick and Mason keeping the neighborhood safe!

This morning, Richard went back to work.  I was sad to see him go.  He took excellent care of me the past two weeks.  He was nothing but kind and compassionate... Even anticipating my needs before they happened (he still wakes up at 2:30 in the morning and brings me my cool neck wrap).  It's not easy playing 24/7 nurse, Mr. Mom, cook, chauffeur, and housekeeper... But he did it enthusiastically and joyfully.  While Mase and I were sad to see him go, I think it will be good for all of us to get on with our lives.

Yikes!

Last night, my friend Natalie came to visit.  As we were just getting comfy and ready to solve the world's problems, the most extreme, burning type pain shot down the inside of my left arm, where my non-existent bicep would be.  I'm assuming it has something to do with my auxillary node dissection. It happened about 3-4 inches away from the node dissection incision, which is just under where my left breast and armpit meet.  The pain probably lasted a good 15-20 seconds but was so intense, it knocked the wind out of me! When the pain subsided and I was able to look at my arm, I expected to see my skin gashed open or something... But there didn't appear to have any trauma in that area, at least looking on the outside.  I wasn't putting any strain on my arm at the time, either.  Any thoughts?  My gosh, I pray that pain doesn't happen again!  

Perhaps the pain came because I pushed it a little too hard today.  My mom, Richard and I took Mase trick-or-treating at a Trunk-or-Treat that one of our local grocery stores set up.  I so desperately wanted to go so I could hear him giggle and watch him squeal in delight...  I hurt.  I hurt a lot right now, and one of the few things that trumps the pain is watching my sweet Mase play and giggle.  

I love this picture!  You see this giant TMNT mask but if you look just a little more, you can see the sweetest little brown eyes starring back at you.  

"Mom looks weird here."

I was getting dressed this morning and was determined to change out of pajamas.  I went to put on a pair of jeans that felt just a tad too tight, but I so desperately wanted to wear something other than pajamas that I didn't even care.  Next, I picked out a bright green tank top that I was trying to step into.  Lifting up your arms isn't really an option so all clothes must either be button up, zip up, or step into.  I got the tank top up half way above my legs and it got stuck.  I'm not able to pull very hard to get it over my hips and I don't have the flexibility to wiggle it back down my legs.  Richard was on the phone going over a very important Fantasy Football trade when he noticed my struggle.  He stopped to help rescue me from my tank top, and then Mase ran in our room and jumped onto our bed.  I had on my jeans, and a tank top half-way up my hips and Richard was trying to shimmy it down my legs.  I could see Mason was looking at my chest and drains and I could see on his face that he realized that something was different.  We are a pretty open family, so Mason had seen me naked before and he knew what mommy looked like.  He knew that I looked a lot different now.  Richard helped rescue me and got me a nice zip up jacket that wouldn't attack me.  We both knew that Mase saw something he wasn't sure about, but we weren't sure how to address it.  I had a new friend coming over to visit with me on some things, so Mase and Richard decide to go get a pretzel.  Richard took it upon himself to ask Mason a few questions.  The exchange went a little like this:

Richard: Mason, were you scared today when you came in the room and saw mom's tubes? 

Mason: "A little. (He lifts his shirt and points at his nipples) Mom looks a little weird here.  Not us, but Mom.  Dad, lift your shirt so I can see yours." (Richard proceeds to lift his shirt to show Mason his nipples.)

Richard: "Well son, Mommy is sick right there but she's gonna get better.  Those tubes will be out in a couple days and she will start getting better there." 

Mason: "Dad watch! (as he climbs the bench) I'm exercising!" 

*And the moment was gone...  

I love that Richard took the time to ask Mason how he was feeling.  I love that Mase was receptive to sharing with his Dad.  And, I love that Mase got the answers he needed and then quickly moved onto something new, like how he could do tricks on the bench.

"They Seem Like Happy Tears, But They Don't Feel As Good"

My morning started out great... I woke up around 8:15 am and the entire house is quiet.  Everyone, including Richard who is off today, is sleeping in and I love it!  It's been a long week and we all deserve to sleep in.  I can hear that sweet little 4 year old moving around a bit, but it seems he is slow to wake up and totally content just hanging out in bed a bit longer.

My mom is still here, but she's leaving today.  Part of me is ready to get back to our regular routine and part of me is so scared to see her go.  Richard and Mase go to the basement to workout and Mom and I sit on the back deck laughing a lot and crying a little.  I don't care how old you are, you are never too old to need your mom.  Really, I've been feeling quite well physically and Mason has been beyond good throughout all of this, so I didn't need her 'manpower' like I thought would, but I did need her 'mom power' ~ you know someone to make me banana pudding, wash my sheets, and lay in bed with me and hold my hand.  

Another sweet friend brings by another delicious dinner.  At this point, I feel guilty even accepting these dinners.  I'm feeling really good and totally capable of making dinner at least for now.  

After mom left, I'm feeling strong and we decide to take Mase mini-golfing.  I'm totally up for getting out the house and spending some quality time with my sweet little family of 3.  At the mini-golf course, I watch Mase playing and getting so excited.  I'm sure the feeling will fade, but for now, I cherish those little moments a little more now.  This is all I've got.  I've got one shot of enjoying this sweet little four year old ~ there are no second chances.  Goodness, I'm sorry that sounded so dramatic.  

We head home from mini-golf and lunch and Mase falls asleep in the car.  I look back at him, see that sweet little face, and start to cry.  I choke back the tears because I don't want Richard to see me crying.  "Damn it!  He saw me!"  I quickly turn my head and look outside the passenger window.  

He hates it when I cry.  I know he would give anything to have me not hurt.  We talked about how to handle me crying before my hysterectomy, because we knew there might be some hormonal tears throughout the recovery.  We agreed that I would be brutally honest with him and tell him exactly what I needed and why I was crying (if I knew), and that he would have to accept my "I don't know why I'm crying" answer if that's the one I gave.  Before he could even ask I say in my quivering voice "I don't know why I'm crying.  I'm thinking about how blessed I am to have you and Mase.  They seem like happy tears, but the they don't feel as good."  

Thankfully, we pull up into the garage.  I quickly (well, as quickly as I move post-hysterectomy) jump out and head to bed.  I'm exhausted.  Richard scoops sleeping Mase up and puts him in his room.  Then, he comes to lay down with me.  And just holds me and lets me cry a bit more.  Somehow a good family nap makes everything a little better.  

Oh, and around 4:55 I look at my phone and remember that we have soccer practice that starts at 5:00 (and we live around 20 minutes from the soccer field).  Team Moss pulls through and we get to the field not too long after practice starts.  That's what Team Moss does... we always pull through ~ TOGETHER!

And, now we are back home... Getting ready to enjoy a dinner that I started out my day thinking I could totally handle.  But now the end of the day I clearly realize that if it were left up to me my family would be having cereal for dinner (and as I type that I realize we are out of milk so in all honesty cereal isn't even an option) But because of my sweet friends I don't even have to think twice about dinner. So blessed!  Blessed with family.  Blessed with friends.  Blessed in so many ways.  And yet, the tears still fall...  Geez!  Enough with the dramatics!  You all know that isn't really my style.  It's the hormones.  Don't worry, I will be back to my smartass self soon enough.