"I Like Your Hair"

Last week in the grocery store, this sweet little girl, probably around 6 years old, looks directly into my eyes and with her big, jack-0-lantern smile says to me genuinely "I really like your hair." It was really a sincere compliment. She made me smile big.

Today, after my treatment, we went to Chic-fil-A and I'm sitting in the playland listening to Mason and this 5 year old girl play.  I hear her whisper to Mason "Does your mom have a disease?" Mason replies, "She was sick but her hair will be back soon."  They quickly moved on to talking about their pets and favorite Avengers. It broke my heart... Him having to explain my appearance.  On several occasions, Richard and I have talked about how I'm glad this has all happened before he was aware enough to be embarrassed of his mom with the silly haircut.  I was also extremely proud of him for the confident answer he gave.  I may have cried in Chik-fil-A.

One thing I love about kids is their brutal honesty.  And that brutal honesty comes from a place of wanting to gain understanding.  If they have something on their minds they say it. It's refreshing.  How many times have you had something on your mind, particularly something kind or that is coming from a loving place, and not said it because perhaps you felt it wasn't your business?  I know I'm guilty!  It's somewhat risky to say something, even kind things.  We think "I'll sound corny", "It's none of my business" or "What if I offend them?" 

Which brings me to my new friend Dolly.  Get this, she works at Starbucks in Target (2 of my favorite places!). She is super friendly and never judges me for getting my coffee and wandering around Target with nothing in my cart for an hour.  She also looks me in the eye, something people tend to less of when you have a big-bald head. Last week, she gave me the most genuine compliment: She acknowledged my struggle (let's be honest my struggle is pretty obvious) and told me that she admired my attitude.  She sees me once, sometimes thrice a week, and mentioned that clearly I'm going through something and still have a smile on my face.  The fact that she took the risk to say something means so much...  Just that someone acknowledges the struggle, because let's be honest: when I'm rocking the bald the struggle is pretty obvious.  Thanks Dolly!  See you next Tuesday, or sooner if I can sneak away for an hour long Starbucks/Target vacation.

Bottom line: Why are we so cautious to say things that might mean the world to someone else?  Perhaps we should all be more child-like and say what is on our hearts if those thoughts are coming from a good place and well intended?  For me, I'm going to work on acknowledging someone's struggle... And if a genuine kind thought comes to my head then I'm going to build up the courage to say it, even if I sound cheesy, stupid, stalkerish, whatever.  You never know, it might make someone's day.

My new friend Dolly.  She always brings a smile to my face... And always hands me a great cup of coffee... Coincidence, I think not! 

The Anxiety is Creeping In

This weekend Richard and I are sneaking away with some good friends (two who happens to be my ex-husband and his wife, who is also a friend of mine. Richard and I take credit for setting them up.) to a Garth Brooks concert.  I'm super excited to spend some time with our friends and to have some grown-up time... I know we will have lots of laughs.  But now the anxiety is creeping in as I try to pick out my clothes for the trip.  We've seen it before: anytime I want to dress up, I struggle with my current situation bald. 

I thought I was making progress.  A few times, I have even gone out and about without a hat, forgetting I was bald.  I ran an errand the other day, and didn't realize I was 'exposed' until I walked up to the register to pay.  I was really proud of myself, I've made a lot of progress.  And, then there was earlier this week when I delivered a meal to a friend who had a baby and I'm pretty sure I scared her kids with my bald head.  I had ran off without a hat, and gosh, the looks on their faces was quite funny and made me smile.  They don't know to be sad or to look away, they just know to ask questions and share their curiosity.  I love it!  It does look silly.  

So, I was sharing my anxiety with Richard.  Anxiety about being around beautiful women (who I should also mention are extremely kind and sweet!).  Sara is a petite gal with amazing dark skin and black, shiny hair.  Marisa is also super petite, with long, blond hair.  And she runs wins marathons.  Me, I'm bald.  And 15 pound overweight.  And today I was proud of myself for getting on a treadmill and walking 2.5 miles.  And I still have a cold sore that my body refuses to let heal.  And my boobs look like Frankenstein and feel like whoopee cushions.  Admittedly, I also have anxiety about being around my ex-husband.  I'm a girl, on some level I'd like to show him what he missed out on, (although admittedly, we both would whole-heartedly agree we ended up with better long-term matches).  And, I want to be a wife Richard can be proud of.  I know he's proud of me, but I used to look a little more like Barbie and a little less like Mr. Clean.

UPDATE: Well, we're back from the road trip and happy to report we had a great time!  The concert was awesome.  And, goodness, we are so blessed with amazing friends.  As we were walking through a crowd of 20,000 people, I rocked the bald.  The arena was warm and wearing my stocking cap just wasn't comfortable.  I loved the way Richard held my hand in a crowd of that many people.  He was probably just trying to make sure I wouldn't lose him in the sea of people, but in my mind it was his way of saying "This is my wife and I'm proud to be with her."

We also went to The Cheesecake Factory, where I ordered 2 pieces of cheesecake for dessert: Lemon meringue and Oreo explosion.  Yum!  I ate them both, too!  I figured, I have cancer.  And if I wanted two pieces of cheesecake, I was going to order two pieces of cheesecake.  Life is too short.

Enjoying the dance!

These are our friends Brian and Marisa Blackford and Brett and Sara Wilson.  Richard, Brett and Brian have known each other since grade school.  

Say Cheese!

I've avoided pictures...  Really, who wants a picture when you aren't looking your best?  And let's be honest bald isn't exactly the look I was going for, but it is exactly the look I have.  A few months ago I read this piece called The Mom Stays in the Picture.  The biggest thing I took from this post is that we all take different things from a picture.

Here's an example:

Mom and Mason making cinnamon ornaments.
December 2014

I'm the first to admit, this isn't a great photo... But I love it.  I showed it to my mom and she did the typical response a lot of us are probably guilty of: I look old or fat or fill-in-the-blank here.  When I look at it, I see none of that.  I remember beaming with joy as my mom did a project with Mason that she used to do with me when I was younger.  As I took this picture I soaked in Mason's enthusiasm and the pride he showed in his project.  I listened to my mom and Mason laugh together and create together.  Does it get any better than that?

So today Mason wanted to take a picture and send it to Richard while he was working...  We did that and I cringed at my big old bald head... And then I remembered the article about when kids look at pictures they don't see our imperfections, they see our hearts.  

I pray that one day Mason and I will look back at this and not cringe over my bald head... Instead I hope he sees a growing-up-too-fast four year old who wanted to cuddle with his mama.  

Bald Bruci

Travis and Dr. Natalie Bruce.  We love you guys!

This is a picture of our friends Natalie and Travis Bruce (who we affectionately call the Bruci).  I met Natalie about 8 years ago when we both worked at Missouri Southern State University.  We've packed in a lot of amazing/life changing conversations over the years... Usually over a walk, mint Oreos or a chili cheese dog or three: my divorce, my meeting Richard, her adjusting to marriage, my marriage, relocations, pregnancies, births, her father passing away, postpartum depression, Lowe's stuff, more relocations, God talks, dirty jokes, Natalie earning her doctorate, another pregnancy (they are expecting another Baby Bruci in late winter), and now my cancer journey.

The thing about the Bruci, they are there no matter what.  I remember we had a big snow years ago and Richard was away on a business trip.  I heard some weird noise outside of my house at night and I look out the window and see Travis shoveling my drive at 9pm because he knew there was no way I would be able to move my car without the snow removal.  I can count several occasions when I would call Natalie with an emergency (like a chili cheese dog craving) and all of a sudden she would show up at my door willing to help.  These are solid people!

Well, when I shared the start of this journey with Natalie, she responded exactly how I knew she would: with compassion and humor (and I'm pretty sure she brought over mint Oreos).  She wasn't afraid to ask me questions and was completely supportive of my decisions.  When I found the lump in my breast, she was the first person I called over to come feel it, because I knew she would tell me if I were crazy... And I knew I could ask her to feel my boob and she wouldn't think twice about it.  When I called to tell her of the cancer diagnosis, I could hear that her breath was taken away.  She's the type of friend that hurts when you hurt.  She also casually said that if I had to shave my head, she would too.  I didn't think much of it initially, as we were very hopeful that other treatment options would be used other than chemo.  

Fast forward to last Saturday when I suddenly decided to go through with getting my head shaved.  Richard had thought about shaving his head and drove to the salon to surprise me.  I walk in the salon and after I see Richard, I look over and see Travis sitting in Stepheny's chair with a big grin on his face and a big shine on his head.  Now, I know my hair will grow back... Travis, I hope for your sake, your hair grows back, too.

I gave Natalie an 'out' as I know she casually said that she would shave her head weeks ago.  I didn't expect her to follow through, I mean who would actually shave their head for a friend?  Actually, come to think of it, I absolutely expected her to follow through with that promise, because that is who Natalie is.  She puts people first.  Always.  I'm not sure I have ever met a more compassionate person ~ and if you follow my blog, you know that my life is bursting at the seams with compassionate people.  

It's been a crazy eight years Bruci!  Looking forward to many, many more!  In the future, let's hope the only bald heads we see is Baby Bruci's... And maybe Travis's if his hair doesn't grow back!  

The Cut: Take Two. Rockin' the Bald

After chemo on Thursday and a follow-up shot on Friday, I knew my good hair days were numbered.  Generally, they tell you that your hair will start to come out in massive clumps between days 10-14.  I was feeling strong and felt ready to take the plunge.  So, I called up my good friend Brittany and made an appointment to get my head shaved on Saturday afternoon.

Some women choose to let their hair fall out on their own.  But, I'm a bit of a control freak, so that just isn't my style.  I've read that it can be quite traumatic to see clumps of hair on your pillow, in the shower, or on your hair brush.  I've heard from a few Survivors that your hair falling out actually hurts; that your head gets extremely sensitive.  And, I wanted to do the deed on my terms, when I felt strong and with Mason present so he could see mommy was just getting a silly new hair cut.

Richard agreed to meet Mason, my mom, and I at Head Case hair salon.  To my surprise, he walked out and greeted me with a big, bald head!  He knew I would need the support and didn't want me to have to go at it alone, so he showed up a bit early and had Brittany shave his head before I got there.  I was so touched... And come to think of it, I should have seen it coming.  Richard and I always call our little family of three Team Moss.  One team, one dream!  That's just who he is: we're in this together, no matter what!  The good, the bad and the ugly (I still haven't figured out which of those three categories Richard's bald head fits into yet).

I walked into the salon, gave Brittany a big hug and started to make my way over to her chair.  There wasn't a lot of time to second guess things ~ I was ready to do this!  I felt really strong, up until I looked over at my mom and saw big tears welling up in her eyes.  I'm not sure what she was thinking: perhaps pride that I was handling this so strongly; or perhaps she was just sad I was having to go through this.  Either way, I quickly wiped away my tears and made my way over Brittany's chair.  Brittany asked if I was ready and I gave her a simple nod.  On the outside I smiled my way through the shave.  On the inside, I was in shock that this was actually happening: I have cancer.  I have f#@$%&* cancer!  THIS is happening and it's happening right now!  Deep breath.  I shut my eyes and feel the clippers against my head.  It feels cool, as my scalp has never had so much room to breathe before.

I distract myself by talking to my mom, Richard and Mase.  Mase is dancing around the shop and thinks my hair looks silly.  Eventually, Brittany turns the chair and I catch a glimpse of my head in the mirror.  While it was a bit of a shock, I have to admit, it wasn't as bad as I expected.  I was still me, just with a shaved head.  Did I love it?  No, but I didn't hate it!  I looked at myself in the mirror and I remember telling myself "You can do this!"  I find myself saying that phrase to myself a lot these days...

I absolutely love Mase's face in this picture!  Sweet kid has taken all this in stride!
So blessed to be his mommy!  

My handsome little family.  

Rockin' the bald!  Thankful for a few other ladies I know who encouraged me to rock the bald.  Not sure I would have been able to do it on my own without the encouragement of a few bald beauties I know!