Reflections on 2014

2014 has not exactly been easy.  In fact, it's been one of the most physically and emotionally draining years of my life... And on my entire family.

• We were bee-bopping along until July when my twin sister, Jill, found out she tested positive for the rare BRCA gene mutation.  I was tested in late-July and in the middle of August found out that I, too, had the mutation.  
• In September, my family and I made the decision that it was time to take care of business: I had a complete hysterectomy.  It was the easiest difficult decision I've had to make.  Sometimes I still get sad that Mason won't have a sibling, but I also remind myself that the reason why I did the surgery was so I can be around a long time to serve my family.  
• A month after my hysterectomy (mid-October), I completed my preventative surgeries by having what was supposed to be a prophylactic bilateral mastectomy.  The surgery was extremely painful... Even more painful was the phone call I received on Friday, Oct. 17th telling me that they had found cancer.  I endured countless sleepless nights and tears wondering if I was doing the right thing...  I endured painful surgeries and decisions in order to prevent cancer ~ yet it got me anyway.  I was devastated.  My family was devastated.  

So, yeah, not an easy 2014 to say the least... But I feel more blessed than ever.  

• In early July, we took a vacation with the entire Moss/Snyder family.  It was a week filled with sunshine, sand and family.  Memories made that we will never forget! 
• My sister taking the BRCA test saved my life.  My positive BRCA status saved my life.  We would have never been able to afford the surgeries on our own, and I wouldn't have pursued them without being BRCA+.  My BRCA status meant that insurance would cover a good portion of my procedures.  It meant that despite having a clean mammogram, I was able to push through and have the mastectomy my gut told me I needed to do.  I've learned to trust in my instincts, at any cost.  
• I've learned that I have an amazing husband.  I always knew Richard was amazing, but this year he has been my rock.  My marriage has grown and strengthened.  My love for him cannot be explained.  We vowed through sickness and in health, but we never imagined we would be tested like this.  
• I've learned to enjoy normal.  During my months of treatment, normal days are often few and far between.  Normal days are a huge gift.  I pray I don't fall back into old habits of taking normal days for granted.  Each day truly is a gift.
• My 'village' of friends are the cream of the crop.  They anticipate needs before I am able to speak them.  They pray for me and with me.  They listen when I am crying and cursing this journey.  They don't judge.  They just sit beside me and accept me exactly where I am without one ounce of judgement.
• My family, both immediate and extended family, have my back no matter what.  All of them have dropped what they are doing to assist in anyway possible.  Especially my mom.  She's comes up during my chemo weeks to help with Mason and the house.  Truth be told, I don't really need her to help with those things too much, but I do need her presence.  I am so grateful for the quality time we have gotten to spend together.  
• Our faith has grown exponentially.  Honestly, my faith has been growing all year though out 2014, thanks to an amazing group of ladies group I am part of.  At the time, I had no idea that God was preparing me for this trial.  I've learned He always provides us with what we need.  He knew I would be facing a trial and He put me in a place to grow spiritually so I was prepared.  

New Year's Eve 2014

Feeling blessed and looking forward to 2015.  Life is still good, God is still great!  

Say Cheese!

I've avoided pictures...  Really, who wants a picture when you aren't looking your best?  And let's be honest bald isn't exactly the look I was going for, but it is exactly the look I have.  A few months ago I read this piece called The Mom Stays in the Picture.  The biggest thing I took from this post is that we all take different things from a picture.

Here's an example:

Mom and Mason making cinnamon ornaments.
December 2014

I'm the first to admit, this isn't a great photo... But I love it.  I showed it to my mom and she did the typical response a lot of us are probably guilty of: I look old or fat or fill-in-the-blank here.  When I look at it, I see none of that.  I remember beaming with joy as my mom did a project with Mason that she used to do with me when I was younger.  As I took this picture I soaked in Mason's enthusiasm and the pride he showed in his project.  I listened to my mom and Mason laugh together and create together.  Does it get any better than that?

So today Mason wanted to take a picture and send it to Richard while he was working...  We did that and I cringed at my big old bald head... And then I remembered the article about when kids look at pictures they don't see our imperfections, they see our hearts.  

I pray that one day Mason and I will look back at this and not cringe over my bald head... Instead I hope he sees a growing-up-too-fast four year old who wanted to cuddle with his mama.  

"They Seem Like Happy Tears, But They Don't Feel As Good"

My morning started out great... I woke up around 8:15 am and the entire house is quiet.  Everyone, including Richard who is off today, is sleeping in and I love it!  It's been a long week and we all deserve to sleep in.  I can hear that sweet little 4 year old moving around a bit, but it seems he is slow to wake up and totally content just hanging out in bed a bit longer.

My mom is still here, but she's leaving today.  Part of me is ready to get back to our regular routine and part of me is so scared to see her go.  Richard and Mase go to the basement to workout and Mom and I sit on the back deck laughing a lot and crying a little.  I don't care how old you are, you are never too old to need your mom.  Really, I've been feeling quite well physically and Mason has been beyond good throughout all of this, so I didn't need her 'manpower' like I thought would, but I did need her 'mom power' ~ you know someone to make me banana pudding, wash my sheets, and lay in bed with me and hold my hand.  

Another sweet friend brings by another delicious dinner.  At this point, I feel guilty even accepting these dinners.  I'm feeling really good and totally capable of making dinner at least for now.  

After mom left, I'm feeling strong and we decide to take Mase mini-golfing.  I'm totally up for getting out the house and spending some quality time with my sweet little family of 3.  At the mini-golf course, I watch Mase playing and getting so excited.  I'm sure the feeling will fade, but for now, I cherish those little moments a little more now.  This is all I've got.  I've got one shot of enjoying this sweet little four year old ~ there are no second chances.  Goodness, I'm sorry that sounded so dramatic.  

We head home from mini-golf and lunch and Mase falls asleep in the car.  I look back at him, see that sweet little face, and start to cry.  I choke back the tears because I don't want Richard to see me crying.  "Damn it!  He saw me!"  I quickly turn my head and look outside the passenger window.  

He hates it when I cry.  I know he would give anything to have me not hurt.  We talked about how to handle me crying before my hysterectomy, because we knew there might be some hormonal tears throughout the recovery.  We agreed that I would be brutally honest with him and tell him exactly what I needed and why I was crying (if I knew), and that he would have to accept my "I don't know why I'm crying" answer if that's the one I gave.  Before he could even ask I say in my quivering voice "I don't know why I'm crying.  I'm thinking about how blessed I am to have you and Mase.  They seem like happy tears, but the they don't feel as good."  

Thankfully, we pull up into the garage.  I quickly (well, as quickly as I move post-hysterectomy) jump out and head to bed.  I'm exhausted.  Richard scoops sleeping Mase up and puts him in his room.  Then, he comes to lay down with me.  And just holds me and lets me cry a bit more.  Somehow a good family nap makes everything a little better.  

Oh, and around 4:55 I look at my phone and remember that we have soccer practice that starts at 5:00 (and we live around 20 minutes from the soccer field).  Team Moss pulls through and we get to the field not too long after practice starts.  That's what Team Moss does... we always pull through ~ TOGETHER!

And, now we are back home... Getting ready to enjoy a dinner that I started out my day thinking I could totally handle.  But now the end of the day I clearly realize that if it were left up to me my family would be having cereal for dinner (and as I type that I realize we are out of milk so in all honesty cereal isn't even an option) But because of my sweet friends I don't even have to think twice about dinner. So blessed!  Blessed with family.  Blessed with friends.  Blessed in so many ways.  And yet, the tears still fall...  Geez!  Enough with the dramatics!  You all know that isn't really my style.  It's the hormones.  Don't worry, I will be back to my smartass self soon enough.

One Week Update

Well, I'm about one week out from my hysterectomy and I must admit, for the most part, I feel like a ROCK STAR!  Okay, admittedly, it's easy to feel like a rock star when you have people waiting on you hand and foot (shout out to my mother-in-law Val and my mom Donna!) and amazing friends who cook up delicious dinners and deliver them to the front door!

Around day 5, I switched from the hydrocodone to just taking ibuprofen.  Today, I took 3 ibuprofen this morning, but haven't had any since and I'm feeling really good.  Tired, but still for the most part very little pain.  I am taking about half a hydrocodone at night, just because I think it helps me sleep, but I may even stop doing that soon.  Or I may ration them for nights when I really need a good nights sleep.  Don't judge.

I still wear my abdominal binder (it's kind of like a girdle, but it actually feels good) at times during the day, and that is helpful as it supports my back.  The first 3-4 days were filled with bloating and a bit of cramping, but the majority of my pain has been in my back.  It's nothing that is unmanageable, I just feel my back gets tired easier than the rest of me.  Since I'm off the pain meds for the most part, I think I may try to tackle driving tomorrow.

Mason has been so good throughout all of this!  Of course, he's had his Nannie and GG here to spoil him rotten, but really, that kid has been so good about realizing that mommy can't pick him up or rough house.  A few times I've told him that mommy has boo-boos and he thinks all I need is a band aid and it will all be better.  Because when you are a kid, isn't everything made better by a TMNT band aid?!

My mother-in-law kept Mason while I was in the hospital and came home with us the first few days.  She was amazing!  I know lots of people tell the dreaded mother-in-law stories, but mine is awesome!  I know Richard and Mason enjoyed having her here just as much as I did.

My mom!  She's the cook from scratch type of mom, so she's cringing making me pudding from a box. 

My mom has spent the past few days here and has been equally as amazing.  Today, she made me banana pudding with vanilla wafers, one of my childhood favorites.  As a kid, she made the kind that you had to stir non-stop for 30 minutes over the stove.  This time I had her make Jell-O pudding and slice a banana up in there (she fully protested making it using a box pudding mix and cool whip).  I've got to say, she was right (AGAIN!) her stuff is indeed much better than the Jell-O recipe I insisted on.  No worries, I told her she could get a re-do in a few weeks when I have my mastectomy.  Oh, and hopefully she'll make me some of her amazing chocolate chip cookies then, too.

Mom was right, homemade is better.  But this will do for now.