A Good Reminder...

Last night was Halloween.  I literally spent all day in bed, as I knew I would need to save my energy for trick-or-treating with Mase.  I tire very easily these days.  I've lost 5 pounds, which is a lot for me.   Seems I was just one breast cancer away from reaching my goal weight :).  My arms and legs are skinny, there is very little muscle tone left.  Not to worry, I plan on getting that back and my appetite is finally coming back.  I just knew I didn't want Mase to miss out on something because I was too tired to participate.  I know we will all have to make adjustments during this season, I just pray those adjustments don't interfere with him doing the things he loves to do.

Our friends, the Manselle's, hosted a fabulous Halloween party.  I cannot tell you how good it felt to be surrounded by some of our favorite families and watch Mase squeal with excitement during trick-or-treating.  Being around friends and seeing the kids get so excited was a good reminder that even though the journey is going to be tough, it is worth it.

Maverick and Mason keeping the neighborhood safe!

This morning, Richard went back to work.  I was sad to see him go.  He took excellent care of me the past two weeks.  He was nothing but kind and compassionate... Even anticipating my needs before they happened (he still wakes up at 2:30 in the morning and brings me my cool neck wrap).  It's not easy playing 24/7 nurse, Mr. Mom, cook, chauffeur, and housekeeper... But he did it enthusiastically and joyfully.  While Mase and I were sad to see him go, I think it will be good for all of us to get on with our lives.

It's Cancer. Turns Out My Boobs Really Were Trying to Take Me Down!

I finally am able to get the pain under control.  Sleeping is still a struggle, but now that the pain is better I'm hopeful I can sleep better (note that I'm typing this post at 3:00 am).

It's about 4:30 pm on day 2.  Dr. Buckner (DBB) calls and wants to check in.  I think that it's great that he called and wanted to make sure I was comfortable and had enough pain meds to get me through the weekend.  Here's a bit of our conversation:

DBB:  Hi Julie, it's Dr. Buckner.  How are you feeling?
Me:  I'm doing okay.  I'm in some pain, but I think we are going to get that figured out.
DBB:  Julie, I got a report back from the lab and the lump we took out was cancer.
Me:  Huh?
DBB:  The lump we took out was cancer.  I am sure I got all the margins out, so that is good news.
Me:  Huh?  What does all this mean?
DBB:  Well, we can discuss things when you come in Monday for your visit.  I don't have the full report back, I just wanted to let you know as soon as I found out.
Me:  Okay.
DBB:  Julie, we are going to get this.  It's out!  We may need to do some more testing and biopsy a few nodes, but as far as breast surgeries, you shouldn't need any more of those regarding this cancer.  We'll work on setting you up with an oncologist.
Me:  Okay.  (I'm in shock and am having trouble talking at this point)

We wrap up our phone call.  While he dropped this huge bomb on me, there just wasn't anything that can be done at this moment.  I am in shock.  And I'm highly medicated (that's probably a good thing).  I keep thinking this is a bad dream.  He told me best case scenario it's an estrogen fed cancer, so that is what we are hoping for.  He said I should immediately stop taking my estrogen.  I actually called him back about 5 minutes later because I could not comprehend what he was saying.  As the phone is ringing I'm trying to convince myself that maybe he said 'pre-cancerous' and that wouldn't be so bad.  He answers his phone and I ask for some clarification.  Nope, he definitely said cancer.  So, now we wait.  I freaking hate waiting!  He confirms our follow-up appointment for Monday.

Richard and I briefly talk about it, but again we both are in shock.  We didn't see this coming at all.  All I really want is for Richard to hug me and hold me right now, but that isn't going to happen anytime soon thanks to these sucky tissue expanders.

My mom was on her way home from her consult with Dr. Price, my plastic surgeon.  She called in while I was talking to DBB, so I needed to call her back.  I'm anxious to hear about her appointment and decided I would wait until she is home to tell her that the lump was cancer.

Me:  Hi Mom!  How are you?
Mom:  Good baby girl, how are you feeling?
Me: Well, um I'm okay.  Are you home or driving?
Mom: I'm driving.
Me:  Oh, okay.  Well, just call me when you get home.  How was your appointment?
Mom:  Julie, you tell me right now what is going on!

I tried so hard to sound positive and upbeat on the phone.  I certainly didn't want to worry her or cause her to wreck.  I considered not telling her until after my Monday appointment, but I knew she would want to know.  I can only imagine the shock it was to her, too.

Richard and were just talking about that lump and how it is a blessing in disguise.  I probably wouldn't have barreled through this mastectomy if I didn't have that lump.  I had a few people question if I were doing the right thing since I just had a hysterectomy less than 4 weeks ago.  I, too, was questioning if the mastectomy was a right decision for me.  But I had this gut instinct that I needed to push through, even if it was too fast for someone else, it was what was right for me.  THANK GOD that I listened to my own inner voice.

I'm in shock.  Cancer is kind of a big deal.  Stupidly The possibility of cancer didn't really enter my mind.  I have yet to cry more than 5 minutes about this.  I've already done the most radical treatment option there is.  What else can they take from me?  I mean, I'm running out of spare parts.  I continue to feel numb (true statement both physically and emotionally).

I've seen that sometimes cancer can be treated solely with a mastectomy.  I pray that's the case, but if it's not, I know I can handle whatever treatment I need...  Once again, God's got this!

God is still very good.  I was lead to push through with this mastectomy because He was preparing me.  The positive BRCA test, the worry, the hysterectomy, the mastectomy ~ all were preparing me for this.  He does not put us through trials to test our faith.  We encounter trials because he knows what's best.  While some may be angry or wonder why me (all totally valid feelings) I truly think these trials are bringing me and my family closer to him.

I hope to get some sleep now.  Thanks for reading!  For those of you who worry, know that between the Moss family and the Gillispie family we are STRONG!  Still in shock, but more importantly still feeling very blessed.

Eviction Day!

I don't even know where to begin.  I've intended to write a post for the past few days detailing my mastectomy surgery.  Frankly, I've been too exhausted or too drugged to make much sense, so bare with me.

On Tuesday, Oct. 14th Richard and I reported to the Surgery Center where my plastic surgeon, Dr. Price, marked me up.  My chest looked like a google road map.  Then, we head over to Cox South and wait in the waiting area for about an hour.  I'm nervous and Richard is being the strong, steady rock that he is.  

Waiting to board our plane to Cancun!
Obviously not really, but he sure did make me laugh.

Several of our friends and family have asked to be on a contact list to stay updated during my surgery.    Richard sent the above picture to everyone (including his boss) with the caption: "Waiting to Board Our Flight to Cancun!"  Obviously, we weren't going to Cancun, but it sure made me laugh.  I love that he can be beyond sensitive to the situation, but also finds a way to break the tension.  

Okay, so they call us back and we sit in a pre-op room what seems to be hours.  In actuality it was maybe only 2 hours.  After our 2 hour wait, both my doctors show up and the anesthesiologist.  My breast lump has gotten bigger since I had last seen my breast surgeon, Dr. Buckner.  I remind him of the lump and he feels around it for a bit.  It hurts, and I have always heard that is a good thing, because cancer doesn't usually hurt (not true).  I attributed it to being bigger because my body has been a hormonal battle ground.  He expresses some concern about the lump and says he's going to change the plan a bit and inject some blue dye in my breast.  I was a bit surprised, so honestly I can't exactly even tell you what the blue dye was for.  He still thought it was just a "fatty" but wanted to be sure to check it out.  Shortly after he tells us the new plan, the anesthesiologist is ready to go to town, and again that can't come soon enough.  I'm just thankful I don't have to do a repeat of my hysterectomy where they wheeled me into the operating room still awake.  

The surgery lasts for about 3 hours.  I have a very vague memory of recovery, but I do have an image of Richard walking towards me while I'm still in recovery.  Turns out, I was highly emotional from the anesthesia and the nurse snuck Richard back there for a few minutes hoping it would calm me down.  A huge shout-out to all the nurses who go above and beyond to help a put a patient at ease.  

Some time later, I'm guessing 4:30 in the afternoon, I get taken to my overnight room.  I have a roommate, which was a first for me.  Her name was Kathryn and she had a unilateral mastectomy that afternoon.  She's probably in her late 50's, has gray hair, a little sass, and is as nice as could be.  She reminded me a lot of my mom, which was so comforting.  We shared a lot about our families, our journey, and talked about our boobs a lot.  We even had a great conversation at 3:30 in the morning about how God is always looking over us.  I won't ever forget her.  She has chosen to not get reconstruction and I don't think she is on any kind of pain meds.  Me, on the other hand, am wanting to get my hands on anything they are willing to give me.  I'm in excruciating pain.  Damn tissue expanders.  I feel like I had done a million push ups.  I struggle to even hold up my water cup.  Oh, and we are both peeing bright green thanks to the blue dye.  That was interesting and made both Kathryn and I feel special.  I think we were getting a little punchy since we were sleep deprived.  

I am up most of the night, just able to fall asleep for 10 to 15 minutes at a time.  At one point, I woke up in extreme pain and the nurse quickly stepped up their game.  Those nurses work so hard, and we had some great ones in our room.  

Richard stayed with me until around 7:00 pm, but then switched places with Jill so she could come stay with me a bit.  I kept telling Jill and Richard that I felt this massive relief that the surgery was complete.  Yes, I was in a lot of pain, but it was still worth it because it needed to be done.    

The next morning, my breast surgeon, Dr. Buckner and my plastic surgeon, Dr. Price came in a little before 7:00 am to do rounds.  I really wished Richard was there because he does such a better job hearing what they are saying.  They both remove some bandages and take a look at things.  I tell them that I don't think I want to see them quite yet.  They were extremely respectful of that choice.  Both say that they look as good as possible at this point, so I'm pleased with that.  Eventually, I decide to look.  They are shriveled and rock solid (that's the tissue expanders).  I think they look like two rotten oranges or some deflated balloons.  Not attractive at all, but it's a process.  

I'm released a few hours later...  Over then next day I was in some serious pain.  I laid around a lot and I slept very little.  I put in a call to Dr. Price's office asking if we could do something to help that.  They modified my directions or taking my oxycodone and said I could also alternate ibuprofen.  The new pain management plan seems to be working now.  

Yay!  It's over!  It hurts like hell, but it is over!  

My office: complete with a notebook to journal my drain output and medicine schedule. chapstick, meds, lemon cookies to eat with the medicine so I don't get sick, Jesus Calling devotional, mints, water, and iPad.  Not a bad little set up.  

"They Seem Like Happy Tears, But They Don't Feel As Good"

My morning started out great... I woke up around 8:15 am and the entire house is quiet.  Everyone, including Richard who is off today, is sleeping in and I love it!  It's been a long week and we all deserve to sleep in.  I can hear that sweet little 4 year old moving around a bit, but it seems he is slow to wake up and totally content just hanging out in bed a bit longer.

My mom is still here, but she's leaving today.  Part of me is ready to get back to our regular routine and part of me is so scared to see her go.  Richard and Mase go to the basement to workout and Mom and I sit on the back deck laughing a lot and crying a little.  I don't care how old you are, you are never too old to need your mom.  Really, I've been feeling quite well physically and Mason has been beyond good throughout all of this, so I didn't need her 'manpower' like I thought would, but I did need her 'mom power' ~ you know someone to make me banana pudding, wash my sheets, and lay in bed with me and hold my hand.  

Another sweet friend brings by another delicious dinner.  At this point, I feel guilty even accepting these dinners.  I'm feeling really good and totally capable of making dinner at least for now.  

After mom left, I'm feeling strong and we decide to take Mase mini-golfing.  I'm totally up for getting out the house and spending some quality time with my sweet little family of 3.  At the mini-golf course, I watch Mase playing and getting so excited.  I'm sure the feeling will fade, but for now, I cherish those little moments a little more now.  This is all I've got.  I've got one shot of enjoying this sweet little four year old ~ there are no second chances.  Goodness, I'm sorry that sounded so dramatic.  

We head home from mini-golf and lunch and Mase falls asleep in the car.  I look back at him, see that sweet little face, and start to cry.  I choke back the tears because I don't want Richard to see me crying.  "Damn it!  He saw me!"  I quickly turn my head and look outside the passenger window.  

He hates it when I cry.  I know he would give anything to have me not hurt.  We talked about how to handle me crying before my hysterectomy, because we knew there might be some hormonal tears throughout the recovery.  We agreed that I would be brutally honest with him and tell him exactly what I needed and why I was crying (if I knew), and that he would have to accept my "I don't know why I'm crying" answer if that's the one I gave.  Before he could even ask I say in my quivering voice "I don't know why I'm crying.  I'm thinking about how blessed I am to have you and Mase.  They seem like happy tears, but the they don't feel as good."  

Thankfully, we pull up into the garage.  I quickly (well, as quickly as I move post-hysterectomy) jump out and head to bed.  I'm exhausted.  Richard scoops sleeping Mase up and puts him in his room.  Then, he comes to lay down with me.  And just holds me and lets me cry a bit more.  Somehow a good family nap makes everything a little better.  

Oh, and around 4:55 I look at my phone and remember that we have soccer practice that starts at 5:00 (and we live around 20 minutes from the soccer field).  Team Moss pulls through and we get to the field not too long after practice starts.  That's what Team Moss does... we always pull through ~ TOGETHER!

And, now we are back home... Getting ready to enjoy a dinner that I started out my day thinking I could totally handle.  But now the end of the day I clearly realize that if it were left up to me my family would be having cereal for dinner (and as I type that I realize we are out of milk so in all honesty cereal isn't even an option) But because of my sweet friends I don't even have to think twice about dinner. So blessed!  Blessed with family.  Blessed with friends.  Blessed in so many ways.  And yet, the tears still fall...  Geez!  Enough with the dramatics!  You all know that isn't really my style.  It's the hormones.  Don't worry, I will be back to my smartass self soon enough.

One Week Update

Well, I'm about one week out from my hysterectomy and I must admit, for the most part, I feel like a ROCK STAR!  Okay, admittedly, it's easy to feel like a rock star when you have people waiting on you hand and foot (shout out to my mother-in-law Val and my mom Donna!) and amazing friends who cook up delicious dinners and deliver them to the front door!

Around day 5, I switched from the hydrocodone to just taking ibuprofen.  Today, I took 3 ibuprofen this morning, but haven't had any since and I'm feeling really good.  Tired, but still for the most part very little pain.  I am taking about half a hydrocodone at night, just because I think it helps me sleep, but I may even stop doing that soon.  Or I may ration them for nights when I really need a good nights sleep.  Don't judge.

I still wear my abdominal binder (it's kind of like a girdle, but it actually feels good) at times during the day, and that is helpful as it supports my back.  The first 3-4 days were filled with bloating and a bit of cramping, but the majority of my pain has been in my back.  It's nothing that is unmanageable, I just feel my back gets tired easier than the rest of me.  Since I'm off the pain meds for the most part, I think I may try to tackle driving tomorrow.

Mason has been so good throughout all of this!  Of course, he's had his Nannie and GG here to spoil him rotten, but really, that kid has been so good about realizing that mommy can't pick him up or rough house.  A few times I've told him that mommy has boo-boos and he thinks all I need is a band aid and it will all be better.  Because when you are a kid, isn't everything made better by a TMNT band aid?!

My mother-in-law kept Mason while I was in the hospital and came home with us the first few days.  She was amazing!  I know lots of people tell the dreaded mother-in-law stories, but mine is awesome!  I know Richard and Mason enjoyed having her here just as much as I did.

My mom!  She's the cook from scratch type of mom, so she's cringing making me pudding from a box. 

My mom has spent the past few days here and has been equally as amazing.  Today, she made me banana pudding with vanilla wafers, one of my childhood favorites.  As a kid, she made the kind that you had to stir non-stop for 30 minutes over the stove.  This time I had her make Jell-O pudding and slice a banana up in there (she fully protested making it using a box pudding mix and cool whip).  I've got to say, she was right (AGAIN!) her stuff is indeed much better than the Jell-O recipe I insisted on.  No worries, I told her she could get a re-do in a few weeks when I have my mastectomy.  Oh, and hopefully she'll make me some of her amazing chocolate chip cookies then, too.

Mom was right, homemade is better.  But this will do for now.

Day 5 Update

I've been laying around a lot, taking lots of naps and have had people waiting on me hand and foot ~ I could get used to this!

Admittedly, the first 3 days were really tough.  I honestly don't remember a whole lot about them, other than every 2.5-3 hours feeling like I needed a pain pill.  I laid in bed all day, except for the occasional trip to the bathroom or out to the living room to see the fam.  Luckily, today I seem to be turning a corner.  I slept from 9pm-8am straight through!  I woke up this morning and decided I was going to try to stop the hydrocodone and make the move to ibuprofen.  So far so good!  Hydrocodone has some pretty nasty side effects, including drowsiness (to be honest, I like this side effect), itching and causing constipation.  I think I also developed a slight rash from it.

My goal for today:  Poo!  Goodness, it's been a few days and I've been reading all these horror stories online.  I've not really had much of an appetite, so I've mostly be snacking on fruit and granola, so I think that should help.  I've also been popping stool softeners like candy.  The last few days, I've felt gas moving through and noticed my stomach making gurgle sounds, so that's promising, too!  I'm happy to report that it finally happened.  My mother-in-law Val, Richard and Mason through me a nice little poo party when I came out of the bathroom!  It's good to feel so loved!

After going to the bathroom, rummaging around the kitchen and visiting with my family, I took a shower (all by myself I might add).  It was nice.  And it felt almost normal.  When you've been down and out for a few days, normal is such a great feeling!

My incisions:  To look at my incisions, you'd think I just had a few serious paper cuts on my stomach.  Seriously, it's embarrassing amazing that they performed surgery and that's all I have to show for it!  I keep reminding myself that there are internal stitches and that it is still important to take it easy, but I do feel silly for people making such a fuss over me and on the outside I have these little paper cuts.

3 incisions sites: one coming out of the bottom of my belly button and two above my pubic bone.  

I'd love to say that I've got a bad case of 'swelly belly' that a lot of hysterectomy patients talk about, but in all honesty, while it's a little swollen, this isn't too far off from what my stomach would look like normally.  Goodness, hysterectomies have came a long way!  My mom has a 6 inch battle scar from when she had her procedure 30 years ago.

My mother-in-law, Val, has been absolutely amazing though all of this!  She kept Mase during my surgery and then came home with us to help out.  Richard and I have really enjoyed her being here!  Mason has probably enjoyed her the most because she lets him have Bomb Pops for breakfast!  Seriously, it was so great to know while I was just chillin' in bed, my guys were taken care of.  Richard has also been absolutely amazing!  This has been no picnic for him.  He's had to do everything!  I know I've said it before, but I fall in love with him more and more everyday!  And, I know he's not just being nice in hopes of getting some action, because that's not going to happen for a long time!  

Okay, I think it's time for another nappy-poo (pun intended).

My Swag Bag/Getting Spoiled

Okay, between my sister and my amazing friends, I've accumulated quite the swag back of goodies.  I'll try to keep an updated list, as it may be helpful for anyone reading this blog on what may be helpful for friends who are having surgery in the future:

• 10 ft. phone charger.  Jill said mine cost about $10 and it's so nice not to have to contort to reach your phone.  And, since I'm mostly laid up in bed and unable to sleep, I'm on my phone a lot.  
• Stool softeners.  G-L-A-M-O-R-OUS!  A big plate of fruit, a strong iced coffee and stool softeners - Breakfast of champions.  At least champions who are deathly afraid of going poop after surgery.  Pushing isn't really an option, so I'm not sure what all of that is going to look like.  If this is too much information, then please read the book "Everybody Poops".
• Magazines.  Like the old school kind.  There is just something nice about flipping the pages.  And if you doze off, you haven't dropped your $600 iPad.  Let me say, I've dropped my magazines several times.  
• Jill gave me her left over pads.  She even splurged for the kind that were wrapped in brightly colored wrappers.  I've not had to use them yet, as I've had very little bleeding.  But, still nice to have on hand.
• Chap stick
• Pain meds/gas pills (which Dad said wouldn't work very well since the gas is just floating around my body and not in my digestive track).  And crackers, which I eat when I take my pain meds.  
• Abdominal binder.  This is like a giant piece of velcro that fits on you like a corset.  You'd think it would be incredibly uncomfortable, but it actually feels good to wear for a bit.  My abs are on fire and it feels as though they are constantly having to work to hold everything in.  
• Thank you notes.  My goal is to write thank you notes as needed, but I'm not making any promises.  I've noticed the pain meds make my handwriting a bit more sloppy.  
• Mints
• Body pillow - it feels really good to hold onto something.  I tend to sleep mostly on my back or side and wrap my entire body around the pillow, similar to how a bear would hug a tree.

In the 48 hours since my surgery, me and my family have been showered with love and support.  Brian, my ex-husband and Richard's best friend, came to hang out with R while I was in surgery and brought R some breakfast.  How sweet was that?  My book study gals sent a gorgeous bouquet of flowers to the hospital and my father-in-law brought flowers, too.  Those flowers are actually now sitting in Mason's room because Mason insisted he needed flowers in his room just like mom has.  We've been showered with delicious food, and I know that there is delicious food coming for the next 3 weeks!  While I can't eat near the amount I wished I could (I'm sure once all this gas escapes I'll be able to pack some more food in my pie-hole), I love the idea that my girlfriends are bringing food to help take care of my family.  They know that is something I worry about, so they've completely eliminated that burden from my plate.  They do love me, but they also love my family.  Again, how cool is that?  My first meal was a delicious, light soup.  It was perfect since I certainly don't feel like eating huge meals right now, at least until I can gauge how this pooping thing will turn out.  Oh, and my friend Brooke sent these amazing get-well themed truffle pops.  I was only able to take a bite of one so far, but I can't wait until I can get down with one of those!  I'm pretty sure she's trying to fatten me up.  I welcome the challenge.  Clearly my friends know me well because they are bringing lots of carbs.

This morning, I made a nice little dynamite cocktail (that's what my sweet mother in law called it).  It was an iced coffee, spiked with miralax and used to chase down a stool softener.  Okay, enough for now... I've got goals to reach today.  Hopefully my dynamite cocktail will work :).  

The Big Dance

My hysterectomy was yesterday morning, here's how the big dance went down... At least the parts that I can remember:

Tuesday afternoon we drove to Joplin and stayed with my in-laws.  My mother in law hosted a small birthday party for Mase which was a great distraction!  Surprisingly, I felt relatively calm all day.  Some nerves, but it was all very manageable.  I even managed to sleep really well from 10pm to around 2:30am.  I wasn't expecting to sleep much at all, so I'll count that as a win.

Wednesday

4:00 am - I 'wake up' get up and take a quick shower, as who knows when I will get to shower next.  Poor Richard is exhausted because little Mase suckered him into sleeping on the futon so they could have a father-son sleep over.  I get dressed and quietly go in to kiss Mase on the cheek.  I'm sad.  I know this hysterectomy decision affects my entire family.  On one hand, Mase won't ever get a sibling, on the other hand, I am doing this FOR my family.  

My mom was 8 years old when she lost her mom to ovarian cancer. Her mom wasn't there to teach her all the things little girls (and grown up girls) learn from their mom.  Admittedly, I still need my mom, which I'm sure will become all too evident after surgery.  Up to this point, I've always felt sorry for my mom, but now that I am a mom myself, I cannot imagine the array of pain my maternal grandmother, Mildred, must have gone through, too.  Obviously, physically cancer is rough.  But the emotional pain of knowing your kids aren't going to have you when they need you ~ I cannot even put it into words.  The hurt, sadness and worry she must have experienced...  I literally cannot imagine.  Grandma Mildred would have given anything to have the warning.  My mom, had a full on abdominal hysterectomy complete with a big scar to prove it purely out of fear that we would end up without our mother.  She knew that pain and she wanted to protect us from experiencing what she went through.  I'm doing the same for Mason.  He NEEDS me.  And that is why this BRCA warning is such a blessing.  This surgery protects me, it protects him and it protects our entire family.  

5:00 am - Richard and I leave for the hospital.  I'm nervous and my mouth is so dry, but they've told me absolutely no food or drink since midnight, so I quickly take a few sips of water when R isn't looking.  

Pre-Op
5:30 am - Richard and I are called back into the prep room where I am told to get completely undressed and to wipe down with these towelettes and use this mouthwash that made my mouth a bit sticky.  I put on my fancy gown, hairnet, and booties and we wait...  I'm so nervous my body is literally shaking.  Or maybe the room was cold.  Probably a combination of both.  

5:45 am - A nurse comes in to start my IV.  Shit's getting real and I continue to shake.  

6:30 am - Several people come in and ask me the same set of questions.  Then, the anesthesiologist comes in to introduce himself.  I keep my composure, but now realize that was a mistake.  Pretty sure Gill got knocked out on their first meeting since she turned on the tears.  Bummer!  He's leaving and I'm still awake!  Ugh, I fear I missed my window of opportunity to get knocked out early.  

6:45 am - DHL, my OBGYN, comes in to say good morning.  He's his usual calm, confident, reassuring self.  He's the reason why we drove 3 hours to have this procedure.  It's not lost on Richard and I that DHL helped bring our precious Mason into the world, and now he would be doing this surgery so that we could preserve our little family.  On a normal day, the gravity of that would have been huge.  But, frankly I quickly push that thought out of my head because I'm at maximum crazy capacity.  Still shaking.

I couldn't figure out how to get my hair net on.  

Don't hate me because I'm beautiful!  

7:15 am - The nurse anesthetist comes in to introduce herself.  I like her.  She doesn't seem much older than me and appears confident and reassuring.  She offers me a little patch to put behind my ear that would cut down on nausea should I have any.  I hear someone in the hallway say it's time to roll.  Tears start flowing and Richard leans over to kiss me good bye.  I know it must have been so tough for him to leave me as I was crying.  I know if he could trade places with me, he would in a heartbeat.    One of my biggest fears was seeing him walk away.  I was hoping I wouldn't be awake for that moment.  But, it happened and I survived.

Surgery
My gurney gets pushed through several rooms and corridors.  We arrive in the operating room and my eyes are closed, because I am scared.  Occasionally I would open my eyes during the transport and it feels like people are lined up just watching me.  Come to think of it, they probably had to stop so that me and my big rolling bed wouldn't run them over.  They had warned me that before we get to the operating room I would feel a little breeze.  I felt the breeze, so I knew we were close.  Again, I occasionally peak at my surroundings, but I can't see much besides bright lights since I don't have my glasses on.  They ask me to scoot off my bed to the surgical gurney.  I don't remember much, but I remember the surgical gurney feels really small.  Someone tells me I'm skinny, so it's nice I fit.  Isn't that what everyone wants to hear right before they go under, that they are skinny?  The nurse anesthetist tells me she's going to give me something to relax and it can't come soon enough.  I remember her starting to put an oxygen mask close to my face and being able to smell the plastic.  That's the last thing I remember.  Not to self: Next time, I'm listening to Jill and turning on the water works in the surgery holding cell.

Post-Op
8:00 am - My surgery lasts about 45 minutes, so I'm told.  I don't remember much about the recovery area, but for some reason I am picturing a woman with long, big, blond hair.  Not sure if she's real or someone I made up.  

At some point, DHL talks to Richard and reports that all went well and that everything looked good and healthy.  What a relief this must have been on Richard.  He's a bit of a control freak, but in a good way.  He would give anything to protect me from being scared or hurt.  

I must have been in recovery for quite some time, but I don't remember much of it.  

10:30 am - I vaguely remember being wheeled to our room and R is in the hallway waiting for me.  Somehow I am transferred to the bed in my recovery suite.  Again, I don't remember much, but I do remember being in a significant amount of pain and writhing around.  Perhaps my pain meds from surgery had worn off or I was just coming to enough to realize the amount of pain I was in.  I was probably out of it where I wasn't even aware of my actions or what I was saying, but I was definitely awake enough to know I was hurting.  Richard tells me that they administer a pain med through my IV which must have been effective because again, I don't remember much past that.    

12:00 pm - We're in a double room, and they transfer me to a different bed, as the first bed I'm in seems to be having a few issues.  No biggie, I've got a morphine drip and I must be feeling pretty good at this point.  Again, I don't remember much, just bits and pieces of certain moments.  Did I mention I'm in the postpartum unit of the hospital.  Lucky for them I wasn't wearing my crazy pants just yet and even if I wanted to they wouldn't fit because I'm so bloated!, but putting a woman who just had a hysterectomy around babies seems like it has potential to be a disaster.  Lucky for me and everyone else around me, I wake up feeling good about my decision.  At least so far.  

At some point, I wake up and look up and my sister is walking in!  Again, I don't really remember much, but goodness, it meant a lot to me that she would come up and surprise me.  Like I've said, everyone deserves a Gill!  She brought me a grilled cheese and a peach mango tea.  I was so thirsty and hungry, but had a bit difficulty swallowing, probably because of the tube put down my throat during surgery.  

Jill, Richard and I hang out a bit, but I don't remember much of it.  I do remember taking a selfie :) for the blog.  Goodness, Gill is beautiful.  And I am pale and look a bit drunk.  Usually, Jill is the one that looks drunk in our selfies, because well...

Gill looks great.  I look like someone just ripped my insides out.  Oh wait, they did! 

I don't remember much of the remainder of the day.  I know I had trouble sleeping, but when I would go to sleep, it would be for 20-30 minutes, but it did feel like good sleep.  I also know I got up to walk a few time...  Perhaps the pain meds were working too good.  A few of the nurses were saying how great I looked for just having surgery since I was walking around.  I think those couple of walks will come back to bite me in my big o BRCA butt.  Oh, and I peed A LOT!  They make you pee in this top hat looking thing that measures your pee and I constantly was receiving fluids.

Around 3:30 the next morning, I called the nurses station to ask for another pill and they took my vitals and gave me a final dose of antibiotic.  R woke up with me and we ended up watching the Big Brother episode we missed.  Making memories at 3:30 in the morning.  Bonus, we were the only people in a double occupancy room, so R got to sleep in an actual bed.  Poor guy was flat out exhausted.  Yes, I had a big day, but let's be honest, so did he.  Sometimes I wonder if being the patient is the easy spot to be in.  He was dozing off, so I remember turning on some calming worship music to help us both get to sleep ~ it worked!  Either that or it was the morphine.  Let's just say it was the music though.

Me about 24 hours out from surgery.  I am so swollen  ~ everywhere!
Richard said it was a good look and wondered if we could take some of that fluid home.  Perhaps we show this swollen picture to Dr. Price before my mastectomy.  HAHA!  

My Pain
A few people have asked what current pain feels like.  Here's my best way of describing it... Imagine you have grossly over ate at Thanksgiving, and then you eat another plate (my mom calls this other plate a sampler, where she fixes herself one normal sized piece of every single dessert being served).  Then, you have one of those gas pains under your ribs that takes your breath away, paired with a giant, never-ending contraction.  And it feels like my bladder is constantly full.  It's uncomfortable, but it's not unbearable with the pain meds.  Pain meds mainly just take the edge off.  Admittedly the morphine drip I had in the hospital took the edge off quite a bit more than the hydrocodone they sent me home with.  Physically, I have three very small incisions.  One right under my belly button and two right above my pubic bone.  Surprisingly, there's been very little blood.  Although, BONUS!  I did manage to snag a few extra pair of those great, comfy mesh panties.  The nurse called them Fredrick's of Freemen (Hospital) undies.  Another interesting fact, my nurse actually has the BRCA gene too.  Her procedures will start in the next month.  

I'm Coming Home, Back Where I Belong (Richard and I used to cruise in the jeep, top down listening to this by Jay-Z and Skylar Gray)
We're home now, and my big goal for tomorrow is to pass some gas and take a shower.  That's right, I'm shooting for the stars!  Richard is currently laying next to me dropping bombs.  Pretty sure he's doing it to taunt me.  Every time he does it, and he's doing it a lot, he looks over at me, smiles, and then says he's sorry.  Richard: if you are sorry you will quit rubbing in the fact that you can fart and I can't.

Val, my sweet mother in law came up to help with Mase.  She's awesome!  She keeps wanting to do chores, but I'm hoping tomorrow she will just come lay in bed with me.

That's it for now... getting drowsy.  

Appreciate all the prayers, messages and texts.  God is good all the time.