More Appointments....

I have so many things I want to write about... But I just don't have the energy to write like I want to.  So, first, I'm going to write a quick update about my doctor appointments on Monday, as I know some of you are curious to know what I found out (which wasn't a whole lot).
Monday, the Moss clan packed up to head to Springfield.  Mason spent the day with his friend Hollis in Marshfield.  Hollis lives on a farm.  With a pony.  And chickens.  And kittens.  Mason was in Heaven.  Big shout out to my friend Joni for letting him stay for the day.  Knowing Mase was having a great day made my day go a lot better...

So, our first appointment was with DBB, my breast surgeon.  As we pull up to his office, Richard blasts Eye of the Tiger, and that puts a smile on my face.  He gives me the pep talk that we are in this together and that we'll deal with whatever they news they have to tell us.

It's weird.  I have the following interaction with at least 5 different people:

Nurse/Stranger/Waitress/Anybody:  "How are you today?"   

Me:  It's been the worst fucking week of my life.  My tits got cut off, I've all of a sudden have cancer and I have zero tools to deal with this fucking mess.  "I'm okay, thank you.  How are you?"

Richard and I are in the exam room waiting on DBB and Richard is reading a chart about breast cancer.  Somehow he manages to make it fall off the wall.  Typical.  Since Richard has read the entire poster, he thinks he knows how to treat this and we can leave.  Again, typical.

DBB comes in the room and after all the pleasantries, we get down to business.  I'm trying to hold it together.  Stage 1 (1.9 cm), grade 3 (not great).  We are still waiting on something having to do with hormone receptors, I don't quite understand, but I know we are hoping for an estrogen fed cancer.  And we are really hopeful that is the case since this lump decided to blow-up after my hysterectomy.  Fingers crossed!  DBB decides that we really need to do a node dissection surgery to gather 7-10 nodes just to make sure the cancer hasn't spread anywhere else.  We schedule that surgery for Thursday.  He also says that depending on these hormone receptor results, that he may also install a port for chemo treatments.  WARNING: Anytime I hear the word chemo, I start to cry.

Next, we head over to see Dr. Price (DCP), my plastic surgeon.  I'm crying.  When I started this mastectomy thing I was so concerned with how my reconstruction would look and now that seems so minimal.  He took the bandages off of my sutures.  Richard says it looks really good, but I honestly can't bring myself to look yet.  Good news, he did remove one of my drains!  I still have my right drain, but I think they will be removing that on Thursday, before my node dissection surgery (and putting in another drain).

So, we wait... Again.

It's Cancer. Turns Out My Boobs Really Were Trying to Take Me Down!

I finally am able to get the pain under control.  Sleeping is still a struggle, but now that the pain is better I'm hopeful I can sleep better (note that I'm typing this post at 3:00 am).

It's about 4:30 pm on day 2.  Dr. Buckner (DBB) calls and wants to check in.  I think that it's great that he called and wanted to make sure I was comfortable and had enough pain meds to get me through the weekend.  Here's a bit of our conversation:

DBB:  Hi Julie, it's Dr. Buckner.  How are you feeling?
Me:  I'm doing okay.  I'm in some pain, but I think we are going to get that figured out.
DBB:  Julie, I got a report back from the lab and the lump we took out was cancer.
Me:  Huh?
DBB:  The lump we took out was cancer.  I am sure I got all the margins out, so that is good news.
Me:  Huh?  What does all this mean?
DBB:  Well, we can discuss things when you come in Monday for your visit.  I don't have the full report back, I just wanted to let you know as soon as I found out.
Me:  Okay.
DBB:  Julie, we are going to get this.  It's out!  We may need to do some more testing and biopsy a few nodes, but as far as breast surgeries, you shouldn't need any more of those regarding this cancer.  We'll work on setting you up with an oncologist.
Me:  Okay.  (I'm in shock and am having trouble talking at this point)

We wrap up our phone call.  While he dropped this huge bomb on me, there just wasn't anything that can be done at this moment.  I am in shock.  And I'm highly medicated (that's probably a good thing).  I keep thinking this is a bad dream.  He told me best case scenario it's an estrogen fed cancer, so that is what we are hoping for.  He said I should immediately stop taking my estrogen.  I actually called him back about 5 minutes later because I could not comprehend what he was saying.  As the phone is ringing I'm trying to convince myself that maybe he said 'pre-cancerous' and that wouldn't be so bad.  He answers his phone and I ask for some clarification.  Nope, he definitely said cancer.  So, now we wait.  I freaking hate waiting!  He confirms our follow-up appointment for Monday.

Richard and I briefly talk about it, but again we both are in shock.  We didn't see this coming at all.  All I really want is for Richard to hug me and hold me right now, but that isn't going to happen anytime soon thanks to these sucky tissue expanders.

My mom was on her way home from her consult with Dr. Price, my plastic surgeon.  She called in while I was talking to DBB, so I needed to call her back.  I'm anxious to hear about her appointment and decided I would wait until she is home to tell her that the lump was cancer.

Me:  Hi Mom!  How are you?
Mom:  Good baby girl, how are you feeling?
Me: Well, um I'm okay.  Are you home or driving?
Mom: I'm driving.
Me:  Oh, okay.  Well, just call me when you get home.  How was your appointment?
Mom:  Julie, you tell me right now what is going on!

I tried so hard to sound positive and upbeat on the phone.  I certainly didn't want to worry her or cause her to wreck.  I considered not telling her until after my Monday appointment, but I knew she would want to know.  I can only imagine the shock it was to her, too.

Richard and were just talking about that lump and how it is a blessing in disguise.  I probably wouldn't have barreled through this mastectomy if I didn't have that lump.  I had a few people question if I were doing the right thing since I just had a hysterectomy less than 4 weeks ago.  I, too, was questioning if the mastectomy was a right decision for me.  But I had this gut instinct that I needed to push through, even if it was too fast for someone else, it was what was right for me.  THANK GOD that I listened to my own inner voice.

I'm in shock.  Cancer is kind of a big deal.  Stupidly The possibility of cancer didn't really enter my mind.  I have yet to cry more than 5 minutes about this.  I've already done the most radical treatment option there is.  What else can they take from me?  I mean, I'm running out of spare parts.  I continue to feel numb (true statement both physically and emotionally).

I've seen that sometimes cancer can be treated solely with a mastectomy.  I pray that's the case, but if it's not, I know I can handle whatever treatment I need...  Once again, God's got this!

God is still very good.  I was lead to push through with this mastectomy because He was preparing me.  The positive BRCA test, the worry, the hysterectomy, the mastectomy ~ all were preparing me for this.  He does not put us through trials to test our faith.  We encounter trials because he knows what's best.  While some may be angry or wonder why me (all totally valid feelings) I truly think these trials are bringing me and my family closer to him.

I hope to get some sleep now.  Thanks for reading!  For those of you who worry, know that between the Moss family and the Gillispie family we are STRONG!  Still in shock, but more importantly still feeling very blessed.

Eviction Day!

I don't even know where to begin.  I've intended to write a post for the past few days detailing my mastectomy surgery.  Frankly, I've been too exhausted or too drugged to make much sense, so bare with me.

On Tuesday, Oct. 14th Richard and I reported to the Surgery Center where my plastic surgeon, Dr. Price, marked me up.  My chest looked like a google road map.  Then, we head over to Cox South and wait in the waiting area for about an hour.  I'm nervous and Richard is being the strong, steady rock that he is.  

Waiting to board our plane to Cancun!
Obviously not really, but he sure did make me laugh.

Several of our friends and family have asked to be on a contact list to stay updated during my surgery.    Richard sent the above picture to everyone (including his boss) with the caption: "Waiting to Board Our Flight to Cancun!"  Obviously, we weren't going to Cancun, but it sure made me laugh.  I love that he can be beyond sensitive to the situation, but also finds a way to break the tension.  

Okay, so they call us back and we sit in a pre-op room what seems to be hours.  In actuality it was maybe only 2 hours.  After our 2 hour wait, both my doctors show up and the anesthesiologist.  My breast lump has gotten bigger since I had last seen my breast surgeon, Dr. Buckner.  I remind him of the lump and he feels around it for a bit.  It hurts, and I have always heard that is a good thing, because cancer doesn't usually hurt (not true).  I attributed it to being bigger because my body has been a hormonal battle ground.  He expresses some concern about the lump and says he's going to change the plan a bit and inject some blue dye in my breast.  I was a bit surprised, so honestly I can't exactly even tell you what the blue dye was for.  He still thought it was just a "fatty" but wanted to be sure to check it out.  Shortly after he tells us the new plan, the anesthesiologist is ready to go to town, and again that can't come soon enough.  I'm just thankful I don't have to do a repeat of my hysterectomy where they wheeled me into the operating room still awake.  

The surgery lasts for about 3 hours.  I have a very vague memory of recovery, but I do have an image of Richard walking towards me while I'm still in recovery.  Turns out, I was highly emotional from the anesthesia and the nurse snuck Richard back there for a few minutes hoping it would calm me down.  A huge shout-out to all the nurses who go above and beyond to help a put a patient at ease.  

Some time later, I'm guessing 4:30 in the afternoon, I get taken to my overnight room.  I have a roommate, which was a first for me.  Her name was Kathryn and she had a unilateral mastectomy that afternoon.  She's probably in her late 50's, has gray hair, a little sass, and is as nice as could be.  She reminded me a lot of my mom, which was so comforting.  We shared a lot about our families, our journey, and talked about our boobs a lot.  We even had a great conversation at 3:30 in the morning about how God is always looking over us.  I won't ever forget her.  She has chosen to not get reconstruction and I don't think she is on any kind of pain meds.  Me, on the other hand, am wanting to get my hands on anything they are willing to give me.  I'm in excruciating pain.  Damn tissue expanders.  I feel like I had done a million push ups.  I struggle to even hold up my water cup.  Oh, and we are both peeing bright green thanks to the blue dye.  That was interesting and made both Kathryn and I feel special.  I think we were getting a little punchy since we were sleep deprived.  

I am up most of the night, just able to fall asleep for 10 to 15 minutes at a time.  At one point, I woke up in extreme pain and the nurse quickly stepped up their game.  Those nurses work so hard, and we had some great ones in our room.  

Richard stayed with me until around 7:00 pm, but then switched places with Jill so she could come stay with me a bit.  I kept telling Jill and Richard that I felt this massive relief that the surgery was complete.  Yes, I was in a lot of pain, but it was still worth it because it needed to be done.    

The next morning, my breast surgeon, Dr. Buckner and my plastic surgeon, Dr. Price came in a little before 7:00 am to do rounds.  I really wished Richard was there because he does such a better job hearing what they are saying.  They both remove some bandages and take a look at things.  I tell them that I don't think I want to see them quite yet.  They were extremely respectful of that choice.  Both say that they look as good as possible at this point, so I'm pleased with that.  Eventually, I decide to look.  They are shriveled and rock solid (that's the tissue expanders).  I think they look like two rotten oranges or some deflated balloons.  Not attractive at all, but it's a process.  

I'm released a few hours later...  Over then next day I was in some serious pain.  I laid around a lot and I slept very little.  I put in a call to Dr. Price's office asking if we could do something to help that.  They modified my directions or taking my oxycodone and said I could also alternate ibuprofen.  The new pain management plan seems to be working now.  

Yay!  It's over!  It hurts like hell, but it is over!  

My office: complete with a notebook to journal my drain output and medicine schedule. chapstick, meds, lemon cookies to eat with the medicine so I don't get sick, Jesus Calling devotional, mints, water, and iPad.  Not a bad little set up.  

An Update

An update on my Gill:  Jill is two weeks out from the bomb squad taking care of business (her hysterectomy).  She is doing remarkably well!  She has started driving again and is able to take care of some light house duties.  Physically, the recovery has been easier than expected.  I won't say it's been easy by any means, but she's capable of doing a lot more than she thought she would be (and most definitely doing more than she probably should be).  Physically, the first week was rough, but the second week has been a turning point.  I don't think she was prepared for the emotional toll the hysterectomy would take on her.  She said the first week was horrendous, but seems to be leveling out the second week.  That Gill is such a trooper!  Seriously, she's my hero!

An update on me:  Yesterday I received my mammogram results and everything appeared to be normal!  Hallelujah!  I know that there are a lot of women who would give anything for an unremarkable finding.

Today, I met with a highly recommended plastic surgeon to find out my reconstruction options.  I visited Dr. Carl Price in Springfield, MO.  His office staff was extremely friendly and made me feel very comfortable.  Dr. Price was sincere, attentive, personable and gave me a very realistic picture of the best route of reconstruction (even though it really wasn't exactly what I was hoping for).  Dr. Price also gave me the name of a breast surgeon who could handle the mastectomy; I will be meeting with him in a week to discuss the ins and outs of the mastectomy procedure.  I'm anxious.  But, really glad to be gathering all the information possible now, so that when I'm ready to press forward, I have the information to do so.

I've done quite a bit of research online, but this was my first time to visit with an actual person about the reconstruction process.  I was hoping I was a candidate for an immediate reconstruction (often called a direct to implant reconstruction).  Dr. Price said he would do either procedure, but preferred to do a stage reconstruction with tissue expanders.  The stage reconstruction lasts between 3-5 months (Yikes!) but he said he gets better results with that procedure and there are fewer complications and risks.  Once I was finished with Dr. Price, a nurse led me to a room where they took some 'before' pictures.  Goodness, that was an experience!  I had never been topless in front of a camera before I SWEAR!  So, that was a first, and once my 'after' pictures, that will most certainly be the last :).

Overall, my spirits are good.  I've been keeping very busy with work and planning Mason's birthday party and when you are neurotic like me, staying busy is your friend!  I do get scared when I think about the hysterectomy, so I just try not to think about it (if only it was that easy!).

One of my biggest stresses was how I would get my nose piercing out before my surgery.  Yes, I'm getting ready to have a couple of major surgeries and I am worried about a little nose stud in my nose.  My sister candidly told me "Julie, anyone going through menopause probably shouldn't have a nose piercing."  Touche Gill!  So, out came my nose piercing.  There is so much stuff I cannot control, so after about 3 hours of worrying about this (I told you I was crazy!) I just decided to take it out and be done with it.  I miss it, but I'm not stressing anymore about it, so that's worth something.