"The Waiting is the Hardest Part" ~ Tom Petty

Lot's of anxiety today, as tomorrow I go to take the BRCA test.  I'm driving 3 hours to Joplin to take the test with my old OBGYN.  I contacted a doctor locally, but they said they couldn't get me in until the end of August.  F that!  I'm not worried about the test, as it is a simple mouth wash that the doctor sends off to the lab.  I have anxiety about waiting.

I am relieved to get this process started.  Being in limbo is the WORST for me!  I don't function well with ambiguity.  I like to have a plan.  Right now, my plan is just to wait.

On a side note, in grad school, I often learned about anticipatory anxiety.  Awhile back I was trying to throw this fancy-schmancy word around and my overly-intelligent-smartass-brother Josh, reminded me that "all anxiety is anticipatory."  Noted.

Truth is I'm scared.  I'm scared about every possible outcome.  You'd think I'd at least be hoping to hear that I am BRCA negative, but nope, I can suck the fun right out of every possible scenario.

If I'm positive: there will be a long road ahead of me.  It would mean that I my chance of getting breast cancer would be hovering around 87% (the average is 10-12%).  It would mean my chance of ovarian cancer (which has taken out several women in our family) would be between 40-60% (the average is 1-2%).  But, the on bright side it would mean I could get treatment that would be covered by insurance.  And it would mean after that treatment, I would get peace of mind.  Even though it would be a long road, eventually, I could put all of this behind me.  And, it would confirm that Jill and I are indeed identical twins.  Which may not sound like a big deal, but for me, it is.  We share something special…  And truth be told, I think I would be a tad bit massively disappointed if I found out we weren't identical.  I love being a twin.  I wish everyone had one.  Everyone needs a Gill.

If I'm negative: there will be guilt in knowing that my mom and sister have to go down this road and I have been spared.  There will be a lot of anxiety, knowing that even if I don't have the gene, I will always wonder if my next appointment will be the one where I hear bad news.  There may be relief, but at this point, I'm not sure I can convince myself that I would be 'safe' from breast or ovarian cancer. There will be embarrassment knowing that I spent all this time worrying over nothing.  There will be that whole twin thing…

My husband, Richard, is taking off work to make the drive to my appointment.  I told Richard he didn't need to go to this appointment.  I'm not scared about tomorrow's appointment, it is the results appointment I am scared for.  But, he insisted.  He said he wants to be there for me ~ as I may not feel like I need his support today, but tomorrow may be a different story.  Goodness, he knows me well… That I'm slightly crazy emotional and my emotions can turn on a dime.  Gosh I love him!

Richard and I walking the beach