Heavy Hitter: Chemo Cycle #2

Hi all...  It's chemo week.  Marked by my 'quietness', 3 o'clock in the morning blog postings and my insatiable appetite.

Yesterday was day 4 of my second chemo cycle, my "bad" day and I'm so happy to announce that it was much better than day 4 of my first chemo cycle.  It still wasn't a picnic, but I felt a lot better this time around.  I still napped a lot, dealt with some minor aches and pains, and some slight nausea, but compared to the first time, yesterday was a big improvement.

Okay, so I've vowed to share the good, the bad and the ugly parts of this journey with you...  So, here goes...  I'm writing this because I need to let you know what's in my head.  I'm hesitant to even say it, because well, it just points out to my shallow insecurities and I fear it will sound like I'm fishing for compliments.  I'm not.  I just want to share.  And, quite honestly, I don't even want any feedback.  Yep, I know it's totally bratty to say what I want and then not want to hear your comforting words back, but I have cancer, so cut me a break.

Here it goes:  I don't know what it is, but this cancer thing has me putting on weight like no body's business.  Like, it's insane.  And, sometimes I really beat myself up about it (like 15 minutes ago as I was shoving a stale cinnamon roll into my pie hole at 2:45 in the morning).  And, sometimes I just don't give a damn.  But, if you know me, you know not giving a damn isn't really my style.  I like to obsess.  I like to plan.  I like to challenge myself to be my best.  I'd like to think I have power to control any thing, especially that stupid cinnamon roll from hopping in my mouth, but this time I don't.  My face is getting fuller.  My belly is definitely getting bigger.  And, I'm stuck somewhere between giving a damn (if I didn't care, I wouldn't be up writing a blog about it) and not.

I'm not sure what this crazy appetite/weight gain is about.  But, here are a few thoughts... Some legitimate and some are probably just me rationalizing:

1. Perhaps it's the steroids I have to take to make sure my body can tolerate the chemo.  Increased appetite is a known side effect.  I'd like to convince myself all this eating/weight gain is a placebo effect, but after some careful evaluation, over a midnight bowl of Reese's Puffs, I've come to the conclusion it's a real side effect and and not an imagined one.
2. In my house, food is comfort.  Thanks for passing this on to me, Mom!  So, when we don't feel good, we eat.  And when we celebrate, we eat.  And when we are bored/angry/happy/breathing we eat.  It's how we nurture each other, and also how we nurture ourselves.  Maybe I'm gaining weight because I'm feeding my soul.  
3. Exercise is... well, almost nonexistent.  I used to really like to walk, run, etc.  Now, it all seems like a lot of work.  On occasion, I will hop on the elliptical, but now my 'workouts' are what used to be my warm-up.  
4. Did you know your taste buds change during chemo?  True story!  Food actually tastes different, and not exactly in a good way.  Maybe I just keep stuffing it in my mouth in hopes that something will taste 'normal.'  Oh, how I wish things were back to normal.
5. The nausea... You would think that would make you want to quit eating, right?  Wrong!  It makes me just want to graze until it goes away... And the thing is, it doesn't really go away for days on end!  Yikes!  

I feel like I'm in emotional eating survival mode a bit.  And, that's okay.  So, here's the plan:  On days when I need comfort, then I will seek it out anyway I can... Through Natalie's English toffee, scalloped potatoes, stale cinnamon rolls, and any other carb I can shove into my mouth.  And, on days when I can do better, I will.  I'm not giving up, just giving in to where I stand this moment.