Being on the Other Side

My friend, JB called me moths ago to ask about my surgeon. While I was happy to pass on Dr. B's name (I have 100% confidence in Dr. Buchner and his staff), my heart sank. While I had no way of knowing the outcome of her situation, I did know what hearing the words "there's a mass" does to you.  Initially, it makes you all hot. Dizzy and nauseous. It makes everyone's voice sound like Charlie Brown's teacher. It changes you... Because even if it's nothing, it makes you realize it could have been something.

Today, JB and I met for breakfast.  She had a mass removed and was waiting on pathology results. And, while nothing can really make the waiting game any easier, some cinnamon chip pancakes can't hurt. 

We sat down and I knew that look on her face.  The smiling-to-keep-from-crying look. The exhausted-haven't-slept and keep-running-through-the-possibilities-in-my-head look. The trying-not-to-show-my-crazy look. She shared a bit about her appointments and her procedure and I can't help but be taken back to when I was in that situation. There were lots of similarities and I hated that she was stuck in the dreadful holding pattern. I prayed that her outcome would be different, but I know that while prayers are nice, it doesn't make the waiting easier.  

Here's the thing... the waiting is the same for everyone in that situation. Those days spent waiting for that phone call are the same, no matter what the outcome is. It's intense, exhausting and pretty much way worse than any sort of procedure. Let's be honest, the pain. Des after a procedure are nice, but what would be even better if they could give you something to deal with the agony of waiting for the results. 

After breakfast, JB called to get the results. BENIGN! And while that was great to hear, I know that doesn't negate the mental and emotional assault she's been under the past week. 

Worry about nothing, pray about everything (Philippians 4:6) comes to mind. And while ideally that may quiet our heart, I know it doesn't always quiet the mind during a crisis. 

Checking in...

It's been awhile since I have written, so I thought I would check in.  Truth is, life is still full of ups and downs.  And while those ups and downs keep me busy, I've got to admit, they are minimal compared to what the ups and downs were last year around this time.

I think back to this time last year.  When I literally felt like I was on the brink of death.  You can read about that experience here: http://www.blessingsandbrca.blogspot.com/2015/03/an-exorcism-of-sorts.html

Still blessed.  Still feeling strong.  Trying hard to hold on to the perspective change that a cancer diagnosis brought.  While we want our normal back, the truth is I don't want all of my normal back.  I love the perspective we gained during our struggle: that most things in life don't matter.  That disappointment is relative.  Hardship is relative.  Every single day we feel healthy is an absolute gift.

Honestly, as time passes, I find that perspective of just being grateful for the simple things is waning. The high of beating cancer doesn't feel as triumphant any more.  I miss that high.

So, I'm searching.  I'm working on weeding out things in my life that don't draw me closer to that high... That includes time spent on social media and honestly, some friendships.  I'm trying to invest more in things that make me feel good: spending time in the morning with a devotional and reading the Word.  Loving the sound of Mason singing the Star Wars theme from his room as I type this.  Running.  Being outside and feeling sunshine on my face.  Being intentional about time with friends.  Just being intentional.  About anything.  Work.  Naps.  Cleaning.  Food.  Coffee.  Finding joy in being in the moment of whatever I am doing.

Keep on, keeping on, friends.