BAM! The Anxiety Hits out of No Where!

Hi everyone!  I don't write often... which is PROGRESS!  I don't think about cancer everyday unless I am seeing where my hair is a bit thinner than it was prior to cancer or noticing how cold my breasts are since there is no fat to insulate them.  In fact, I go weeks without actively thinking about it.  And then BAM!  The anxiety monster shows up and I have to walk myself down from a full on panic attack.  This happened yesterday.  Now that I am back of sane mind, I suspect the four cups of coffee I had contributed to the anxiety.  And while it was somewhat self induced, it doesn't make the attack itself less real.  I belong to a lovely group of Survivor Sisters and it's amazing how they can echo your feelings and walk you off of that cliff that pops up out of no where.

That 'cancer cliff' can come out of no where.  I'm 3 years out from my diagnosis.  I've taken every step possible to protect myself.  I've had the surgeries.  I did the harsh chemo.  I've stopped all hormones.  I eat a very low sugar diet.  I live a healthy lifestyle.  I am extremely lucky that my cancer wasn't in my lymph nodes and I caught it relatively early.  And still occasionally, the fear creeps in and nearly paralyzes me.  The tears start to flow.  The thought of putting my body and my family through all of it again is too much to take.  I get short of breath.  My heart is pounding.  I'm a counselor, so I know those feelings are scary but they are just feelings and it's important to just feel the feelings.  But, it's uncomfortable.  And it's unplanned and inconvenient.  And for that hour it is really scary.

Let me share something with you... As cancer survivors we get special treatment.  If you were to tell your doctor you had headaches, you might be told to take some ibuprofen.  If I told my doctor I had a headache, he'd probably draw some blood, check tumor markers, do a complete exam checking for any lump, and may order a costly scan "just to be sure."  Initially, I might attribute the headache to stress... But, if it persists, it's scary because there is always the underlying "What if it is back?"  So physically, we are well cared for.

I had an amazing team of doctors.  And not one of them have addressed the mental aspects of cancer. I'm not faulting them, it's out of their scope, I suppose.  But it's a very real need that presents itself long after the cancer is treated and in remission.