Freedom!

I'm two weeks out from my exchange and feeling fabulous - mainly because my new boobs got a taste of freedom last night. For the first time in 2 weeks I got to take the vice sports bra off and let things air out.  For weeks I've had that "can't wait to get home and take my bra off" feeling (all you girls know what I'm talking about) and not been able to.  Ahhh... Such a relief to take that blasted bra off.  I must say I really enjoyed my 7 months of not wearing a bra.

I also went for a long, brisk walk today and even snuck in a few stretches of trotting (I'm calling it a trot because I was told I'm still not supposed to run). It felt amazing!  I forgot how much I missed getting my sweat on (at least though exercise; Admittedly I get my sweat on most nights due to night sweats).  I'm finally feeling well enough to get back in a routine and it's so good for me physically, but also emotionally and spiritually.

Today during my trot I actually started cry (it was a happy cry).  I felt so blessed to be feeling good again.  It's been a long 7 months.  Blame it on my mania feeling better but I'm even contemplating training for a half marathon (of course waiting until I get the all clear from my doctors). I'd love to complete a half marathon by my one year cancer-versary. 1. It would certainly help with my 20 pound weight gain 2. If I can beat cancer, then surely I can complete 13.1 miles, right?! 3. Most importantly, it would be my way of giving cancer the middle finger.

Who's with me?

An Update

Just thought I would share a quick update...

To be honest, a few days ago, I was really down.  Cancer is hard (okay, that is a massive understatement), but you know what else is hard?  Transitioning back to "normal" - whatever that is.

I really looked forward to my exchange surgery, where the take out the rock hard, uncomfortable tissue expanders and put in soft, round implants - while I still have treatments, in the breast cancer and tissue expander world, the exchange surgery is often viewed as crossing the finish line.  I thought I would come out of the surgery skipping (okay not really skipping, as exercise isn't encouraged yet) and euphoric.  I mean after all I had been through, it was going to end with perky breasts, right?  What girl doesn't want perky, youthful breasts?

Well, I got perky, youthful breasts (my husband even called them a 10, minus the black-blue-yellow-greenish bruising).  And guess what: I still had a bout of depression after my surgery.  For so long Richard and I have had to FIGHT for my life.  Now what?  It's certainly a blessing, but an odd feeling none the less.  The depression has passed.  For now.  I suspect it may come back...  And that's okay; I've been through a personal war.  (Side note: I would imagine this is something similar to what our veterans face, although obviously on a different scale... it's not easy.  Thank you for all of you who have served!).

Okay, so for some good news:

• My pathology came back from my exchange surgery all clean!  If you didn't know that they were sending more tissue off to pathology after my exchange, join the club.  I didn't either.  I knew my surgeon was going to shave a bit more off my chest muscle to help create a bigger margin, as one was very close.  Blissfully stupid of me, It hadn't even dawned on me that there was a chance the cancer could still be present in my body.  The surgeon told Mom and Richard that he was sending it off to be checked and apparently they decided it was best not to tell me that.  Well played, you two.  They knew the results were going to come in a week and wanted to spare me the week of worry.  I damn near cried when the nurse announced my pathology was clear: both because I was oblivious obviously relieved and also because Richard and my mom choose to keep that burden to themselves, and protect me from it.  Thank you.  
• My energy keeps improving.  We stay very busy with playdates and shuffling around town to school and soccer practice.  The beautiful weather helps, too.  
• Hair is starting to come back everywhere.  I even had to shave the other day (I haven't done that in months and gotta say didn't miss it one bit!).  I am getting a hair line; Think a man's 5 o'clock shadow, but on my head.
• Eye lashes are also growing back, and not just a few, a whole row of them.  Right now they are about a millimeter long, but it's a start!  
• After some inspiration from some great friends, I've really tried to clean up my eating.  So far, I've lost 4 lbs! 
• My breasts...  They are a 100% fake, but they aren't trying to kill me.  And, as a bonus they are  90% fabulous (Richard would probably even rate them higher), even more amazing considering what they have been through.  They will take some time to get used to.  It takes months for them to 'drop and fluff' and do their thing.  But, my surgeon did an AMAZING job!  Ya'll ~ I had the DREAM TEAM of medical professionals!  If you are in the Springfield, Missouri area and need recommendations, please hit me up!!!  These guys are a amazing!  (Side note: Richard tells me he's seen a lot of breasts and felt an undisclosed number of them, so he's pretty much has an expert opinion).  

Off to enjoy the beautiful day...  Gentle hugs everyone (oh, hugs are way better without those blasted expanders, too!).  

TaTa... I mean TaDa!

I've been a bit hesitant to write the post, and if you know me, you know I'm not hesitant to say much. Honestly, now that I am feeling better, I am feeling a little more protective over my boobs.  They aren't trying to kill any more.  Yes, they are still a work in progress, but they are feeling more a part of me every day.  I am a little hesitant to share, but I am so grateful for the women who have mentored me on this path and if I'm able to mentor or help make someone else's journey a bit easier by offering some information, some humor and understanding then that would make my over sharing worth it.

Here's a bit of background: After my prophylactic mastectomy, performed by a breast surgeon, my plastic surgeon put in expanders.  These are basically empty shells (think like a small deflated ball) inserted in pocket he made in my chest muscle.  Every few weeks, I would visit with my plastic surgeon and he would use a syringe to gradually fill my expanders with a saline solution.  While I had a skin sparing mastectomy, my muscle still had to be stretched to create a large enough pocket to hold my permanent implant.  The expanders were quite uncomfortable and rock hard; I'd often compare it to having two cereal bowls in my chest.

On Wednesday, I went in for my exchange surgery. During this surgery, the plastic surgeon takes out the expanders and puts in permanent implants.  The doctor used the same scars he made during my initial mastectomy surgery.  I chose to go for silicone implants, as they look and feel the most natural and my doctor thought that would give me the best result.  My surgeon also took the opportunity to to shave an additional part off of my left chest muscle, as one of the margins to my tumor was very narrow.  The surgery took less than an hour and a half.  I checked in early in the morning and by noon was released and having lunch with Richard and my mom.  While any surgery is scary, this was one that I looked forward to... hopefully it marks the end of my reconstruction.

The pain with this surgery was much less than my mastectomy.  I took pain pills for about two days and ibuprofen one day after that.  While I must be cautious about my activity, I am able to do pretty much anything that doesn't involve heavy lifting.

I was instructed to wear this super tight sports bra for the next 3 weeks (quite a change for me since I haven't had to wear a bra for the last 7 months).  I cannot wait to take this beast bra off and try on some clothes.  Overall, I am happy with my results so far, although it can take some time for things to settle.  My right breast looks phenomenal, nicely shaped and perky.  My left breast still has some significant bruising and swelling, but that is to be expected because of the additional trauma.  I'm anxiously awaiting to see how things fall into place within the next few months.

I will draw the line at posting my pictures on my blog, however, if you are someone who is going through a breast cancer diagnosis and would like to see the progression, feel free to email me and I would be willing to share my pictures with you.  Seeing others' pictures was a big comfort to me and helped me know what to expect along the way.

No matter what my breasts look like, the key thing to remember is that they aren't trying to kill me any more and that is absolutely worth celebrating!  Admittedly, I'm also celebrating having perky boobs, too.