God, Just Help Me Make It Through the Day... Amen.

Last night was rough.  The endorphins of the cancer diagnosis has worn off.  Our mom's have gone home.  The high of the clean nodes news has worn off.  I'm tired. And my anxiety is THROUGH.THE.ROOF.  Last night I went to bed and called Richard in to lay down with me.  I just couldn't stand being alone with all the anxiety.  He asked me what I was anxious about and I couldn't even tell him.  I'm anxious about LIFE.  All of it.

Here's the the thing:  Estrogen helps regulate your mood and anxiety.  After my hysterectomy, I was put on hormone replacement therapy and that was working great.  But I don't get that option anymore.  Oh, and I had a mastectomy.  And a surprise breast cancer diagnosis.  And I hurt.  And I have chemo to look forward to and all the awesomeness that brings, like losing my hair, nausea and stomach cramps.  At times, it just seems like too much.  I'm the first to say it is too much.  I will fight through.
I have no choice.  But honestly, right now, it feel like I am just barely making it.  And that's okay.  I'm making it.

You know the point of chemo?  I had never thought about it.  But I'm pretty sure the point is to poison your body enough to kill the cancer and not kill you in the process.  What a fun balancing that act that's going to be {note my sarcasm}.  Yes, I know I should be thankful for chemo and medicine and all that jazz.  But right now, I'm just too tired.

So, last night, Richard and I prayed.  We thanked God for our family and our friends.  We thanked him for our sweet little Mase and Mason's health.  We thanked him for our health.  We asked that he help our family with this transition and the anxiety.  We praised him for the good and asked him to help us deal with the bad.

And, at 2:30 am when I woke up with a hot flash (I have about 1-3 a night that last just a few minutes each), my amazing husband immediately got up and got me a cold neck wrap out of the freezer and opened a window.  There was no rolling over and groggily asking if I needed anything, he just immediately got up and came to my rescue.  Sometimes, he even returns back to bed with a small bowl of frozen grapes (ladies who have hot flashes take note!).  At 2:30 in the morning.  He's that awesome!  He's come to my rescue every second I have needed him the past two weeks.  He is amazing.  I can't wait to share a little about how awesome he has been to me, but again, I am too tired to go into that right now.

And, this morning, I woke up and before getting out of bed, I prayed that God help me make it through the day.  I told myself that in my anxious moments, may I turn to him before I fall apart.  And, I got up and started the day.  I'm tired, but I haven't fallen apart today, and that is a win.

Today We Celebrate!

A few days ago, Richard and I both woke up and we were in a bad head space.  We were sad and both agreed that sleeping was easier than being awake and dealing with this season.  We were literally disappointed that we woke up.  And, then Mase woke up and immediately started asking for his juice and a show and we knew that we didn't have the option to just sleep through this (okay, admittedly, I went to back to sleep, Richard didn't have that luxury).

We were disappointed we woke up.  Goodness, it pains me to even write those words!  But, I wanted to share them, because I've committed to sharing this journey ~ all of it.  The good, the bad, the gross and the ugly.  So, there you have it.  I'm happy to say that thought quickly faded.  We realize each day is a gift.

We also hated phone calls.  It seemed every time the phone rang, we were getting bad news: The tumor was cancerous.  We would need another surgery to do a node dissection.  The cancer is hormone receptor negative.  We'll need to install a port.  You will need chemo.  You will lose your hair.  It was all getting to be too much!

Today, we celebrate!  This morning, I got a call that my auxiliary nodes were clear!  WhooHoo!  That means the cancer was contained in my breast.  And, since my breast is gone, so is the cancer!  (I will still need chemo, due to some of the characteristics of my cancer, but we can handle that.)  What a wonderful feeling to know that cancer was no longer residing in my body!  We cried.  We praised God.  We shared the news with friends and family and have been overwhelmed with the amount of people cheering us on and praying for us.

It's absolutely humbling to think about the number of people who have been praying for us!  I'm sure we don't even know many of them, yet they take the time to pray for us.  We don't deserve that.  But, we gladly welcome it.  THANK YOU!

Another thing we are celebrating today ~ someone my husband works with sent him a text that read "Hey man!  My family doesn't really pray much, but tonight we prayed for your family."  Wow!  I don't even have words for that and I usually have words for everything!.  Just confirmation that this thing is bigger than us.

So, tonight, we go to bed...  With tears in our eyes.  With God on our hearts.  And with a sense of peace in our mind.  Looking forward to staying up to watch the Royals in the World Series and then settling in for a great night of rest.

We are also looking forward to waking up tomorrow :).

Silver Linings

Okay, I'll be the first to admit, this cancer thing blows big time!  These early morning hot flashes aren't fun.  I'm so scared of chemo and all the side effects of it.  BUT, there are always the silver linings:

• Such as Richard and I both being up at midnight and doing a number on all the carbs in the kitchen pantry.  Making memories pigging out at midnight.
• The cancer card trumps just about anything.  I try to use it sparingly, but let's just say this girl gets to take as many naps and rest breaks as she needs.
• My family drove 6 hours to hang out with me for 3 hours.  This cancer thing has changed my family ~ in a good way.  I think we have all been reminded that life is precious, so is family.  
• I have fallen in love with Richard even more every day.  His strength has been comforting and inspiring.  He's shown me that he and Mase don't need me, which is oddly comforting.  But he has also shown me that they want me and that feels great.  Cancer has shown me that my marriage is strong.  And I know it will only get stronger.
• Went to Springfield today because I had a drain issue (fun times!) and I got to have an impromptu lunch with just my mom and my sister.  That never happens! 
  
• I'm humbled by the number of people praying for me and my family.  A lot of those prayers are coming from people I don't know and whom I've never met.  Some of those prayers are coming from the last person I would expect them from... And that is surprisingly comforting.  
• My walk with God has grown over the past year, thanks for some amazing women in my life who support me and also lovingly challenge me.  It's easy to reach out to God in the good times, but I had not had my faith tested to know if I would turn to him in times of darkness.  Well, challenge accepted.  Now, more than ever, I know God has a plan and is in absolute control.  I know He gives us strength when we turn to him.  And that is something that I will continue to carry with me long after this battle has been fought and won.  
• I'm thankful that my cancer and node dissection was on my left side and not my right.  Ouch!  But since I'm right handed, it could have been way worse!
• I just reached my goal weight!  Sad, but true.  Thanks cancer!  And, it's even been suggested I consider adding a few pound prior to chemotherapy.  Who wants a chili cheese dog... Or two?  Me! 
• Hey!  When you don't shave your legs for 2 weeks, the hair actually turns soft!  Gross, I know. Don't judge.
• Thankful that I have been able to reach others... Little old me.  I'm not special, I certainly am flawed, but I know my story has encouraged others to get tested.  To pray.  To recognize the blessings.  And that is HUGE!  I know this cancer thing is bigger than me.  I don't know how, but I know great things are going to come from it!  

Never Too Old to Need Mom

Since all these surgeries began, Richard and I have been so blessed that our Mom's have been there with us!  Whether it be waiting in the waiting room for hours on end waiting for me to get out of surgery, keeping Mase entertained, the house maintained, our Mom's have been there every step of the way.  Our mom's have seen us both at our worst, when we are tired, crying and broken.  They have also witnessed that our marriage is strong and that we will conquer this battle as a family.  They laugh with us when we feel like laughing and they cry with us when they see us hurting.

Val, my mother-in-law stayed with us several days after my mastectomy.  She was a huge help to both me and Richard, and of course Mase had her wrapped around his sweet little finger.  She was here when we got the cancer call.  I will never forget that.  She was her usual calm, steady and faithful.  She kept Mase busy so Richard and I could have some time to process the weight of the information that we had just received.  She never shuttered when she saw my scarred up body.  Never gave me a disapproving look as I navigated this crisis without estrogen (and admittedly sometimes without grace).  Not once judged me for using the word 'clusterfuck' in my blog... In fact she thought I made it up.  I wish!  

My mom came up to watch Mase for my surgery on Thursday.  She was supposed to leave today.  This morning, she came and laid down in bed with me and held my hand.  The thought of her leaving scared me and I told her I wasn't ready for her to leave yet... So she just looked into my dazed tired eyes and said "then I won't leave yet."  I know she had commitments back home.  I know she had been away from my dad for several days.  She didn't even hesitate to offer to stay longer and that  meant so much to me!

I know both of our mom's have obligations at home, yet put those aside because we weren't ready to let go yet.  One of them have been here since this whole journey started 10 days ago.  I dread the day things return to 'normal' and we don't get one of our mom's here.  They bring so much to our lives just by being the strong, caring, loving, nurturing women they are.  Sure do love you Mom and Val!  

Yikes!

Last night, my friend Natalie came to visit.  As we were just getting comfy and ready to solve the world's problems, the most extreme, burning type pain shot down the inside of my left arm, where my non-existent bicep would be.  I'm assuming it has something to do with my auxillary node dissection. It happened about 3-4 inches away from the node dissection incision, which is just under where my left breast and armpit meet.  The pain probably lasted a good 15-20 seconds but was so intense, it knocked the wind out of me! When the pain subsided and I was able to look at my arm, I expected to see my skin gashed open or something... But there didn't appear to have any trauma in that area, at least looking on the outside.  I wasn't putting any strain on my arm at the time, either.  Any thoughts?  My gosh, I pray that pain doesn't happen again!  

Perhaps the pain came because I pushed it a little too hard today.  My mom, Richard and I took Mase trick-or-treating at a Trunk-or-Treat that one of our local grocery stores set up.  I so desperately wanted to go so I could hear him giggle and watch him squeal in delight...  I hurt.  I hurt a lot right now, and one of the few things that trumps the pain is watching my sweet Mase play and giggle.  

I love this picture!  You see this giant TMNT mask but if you look just a little more, you can see the sweetest little brown eyes starring back at you.  

Friends In Low Places

I've mentioned on several occasions how amazing my friends are.  I cannot wait until I have enough energy to write about each of them and all their awesomeness!  But, tonight I want to share with you a few seemingly 'strangers' (and I don't like that word because as you will read, they aren't strangers at all!) that I believe were placed in my life by the Big Guy himself.  He was preparing me for what he knew was to come.  I think they are truely God-sends!  

When I started this BRCA journey a couple of months ago, my friend Carrie said I really should meet her friend Erin (EP).  I did want to meet Erin, but found that time had slipped away from me and I never got to really connect with her before my surgeries.  No biggie, right?  Wrong!  I didn't know all the ends and outs of Erin's story, but I knew there were some similarities to mine.  I reached out to Erin and said I think it's time we had some coffee.  She said "we can meet tomorrow, I can come to you because I know you driving isn't really an option."  Okay, right off the bat, she got it!  She shared her story with me, it offered advice, comfort and hope.  We talked, we laughed and we cried.  A stranger who I had this immediate connection with.  Thanks for taking the time EP.

Erin and I have a mutual friend.  She came over just 4 days after my mastectomy to share her cancer journey with me.

Another friend, Caren (CS), is a former oncology nurse.  I wouldn't have considered us close friends, we've met a few times at the playground or TumbleTime.  She has reached out to me and wow! what a comfort she is.  She listens and tells me I'm not crazy.  She helps to explain all HR-, HER2+ and all the other letters I can't remember or decipher.  Just knowing there is someone willing and able to explain this stuff when all I hear from the doctor is the voice of the Charlie Brown teacher is a God-send.  Oh did I mention she is a mom of 4 who just had twins?  Bonus for me, she is one of the few people who are up in the middle of the night when I'm usually doing my best thinking!  Again, someone who I seemingly just happens to cross paths with, when I know the truth is that God knew I would need her.  

I met Katheryn (KZ) in the hospital was I recovering from my mastectomy.  I was warned I may have a roommate after surgery and I was worried.  With my hysterectomy, we had a room to ourselves, which was great!  I was not very thrilled with the fact that I would be undergoing this physically and emotionally taxing surgery and have to share a room with a complete stranger.  I don't remember exactly how we hit it off (thank you Mr. Morphine), but in the short 20 hours that we shared we laughed a lot, cried a little and shared a lot.  She told me about her cancer journey (this was before I knew of my cancer diagnosis) and how she arrived at her decision to have a prophylactic mastectomy this go around.  We tried to get sway our nurse to sneak us in some real food, as we were both put on liquid diets (we were unsuccessful, but I think since Katheryn and I presented a united front, we got close).  We exchanged jabs, mainly consisting of her being nearly 20 years my senior and needing minimal pain medicine, while I was begging for more every chance I could.  We had a great chat at 4:30 in the morning about all the really important things in life (God, family, love).  We cried a little and we laughed a lot.  My mom was keeping Mason, so she wasn't able to be at the hospital that night, but when I needed a mom, God made sure I had one (and I know my mom is so grateful that Katheryn was there for me when she wasn't able to be).  Katheryn and I are now Facebook friends.  I could feel her disappointment and sorrow when I messaged her to let her know things turned out differently than we had anticipated.  I look forward to keeping up with her... 

Jessica-nurse-extraordinaire (JS) is mentioned in some earlier posts.  I met her when I went to take my BRCA test.  Little did I know at that point, she was fighting her own battle with breast cancer.  Gosh, I feel so silly that I was stressed over a test result and she was in the real-deal battle.  I remember hearing about her struggle, and praying for her before I even had my results.  I wanted to reach out to her, but didn't as I didn't want to cross any boundaries.  t felt a connection with her long before I knew we would become cancer comrades.  She's been so great to send me encouragements before procedures.  She keeps it real, but also has the most amazing attitude.  I know she is going to be a valuable resource to me as I go through this journey.  Once again, God has placed yet another seemingly-random person in my path just when He knew I would need that.  

I met Krista (KS) at my sisters house, shortly after she was diagnosed with breast cancer.  She was my sister's neighbor and when she found out I was going to have a bilateral mastectomy, she was more than happy to share her mastectomy experience with me.  Once again, we didn't know this thing was going to turn into way more than a prophylactic mastectomy.  She's shared her blog with me, answered my questions, and is currently wrapping up the end of a very tough chemo experience.  It's humbling and scary to see a strong woman taken down by chemo, but also so inspiring to see she fought the battle with grace and came out on top!  Krista, thanks for walking me through this journey.  

Isn't Krista beautiful!? 

Jennifer (JDM) was a teammate of mine in high school 20 years ago (wow, 20 years ago!).  We played volleyball and let me tell you she had one hell of a serve!  A few things I remember about Jennifer is that she had spunk.  She was an extremely hard worker and a dedicated athlete.  She could have totally kicked my scrawny butt if she had wanted to.  She had a bit of a hard edge to her and had a wicked sense of humor.  She seemed to be so comfortable in her skin ~ not an easy task in high school.  She seemed to know exactly who she was and was firm on what she stood for.  A few months ago, long before I knew my fate, I remember reading on Facebook that she was battling breast cancer.  I saw her picture and tears started streaming down my face.  I looked at her picture and it gave me confirmation that my plan to have a prophylactic mastectomy was the right choice for me.  As I studied this picture, I was struck by Jen's amazing smile, bravery and her strength.  Once Jen saw my cancer coming out status, she immediately reached out to me to offer encouragement, advice and just an open ear.  She's fighting her own battle, yet took the time to guide me as I start my own battle.  

To me, this picture oozes strength and beauty. 

I'm not alone in this journey.  Far from it.  These strong, courageous ladies (and I'm sure I will meet many more along the way) are a constant reminder that He provides us exactly what we need in our time of need!  

I Don't Know What It Means, But It's Not Great

This afternoon, we got the call from my surgeon's nurse that my cancer is hormone receptor negative.  I don't know what that means, but it's not great.  I think it means I will have to have chemotherapy.  Whatever... As Richard says, I've been served a shit sandwich.

There is good news...  I am also HER2+.  I don't know what that means either, but I think it means there are drugs available that help reduce the chances of it showing up to the party again.

On the bright side, my husband is a ROCK STAR!  Seriously, he is amazing!  He spends his bathroom time studying all the cancer information and for those of you who know Richard, he's in the bathroom a lot!  HA!  I'm just happy he is using that time in there productively, opposed to watching old WWE videos on YouTube.  In all seriousness, someday I will post the details of all his awesomeness.  I just don't have the energy to do that right now or the emotional strength.  The great thing with Richard, when I'm not strong, he picks up the slack and is strong for the both of us.