Chemo Cycle #3

Chemo cycle #3 - After the side effects of this treatment, I'll officially be half way through this stuff.  I'm not going to lie, I dreaded this round.  I've been feeling really good lately and didn't want to get knocked down again.   There isn't a whole lot to report, except we did meet with Dr. Ellis, my oncologist, today.  He said my counts looked really good and I'm taking chemo like a champ.  Thankful for my health, despite this cancer thing.  A lot of people have been sick this season and we've managed to avoid a lot of it!  

Dec. 29th, 2014
Chemo cycle #3

She Understands

A few weeks ago, my cousin, Athena, sent me The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams.  I didn't know exactly why she was sending me this children's book.  Anyway, with all the craziness of cancer and Christmas, I put it in my bookshelf with all the other books I have planned to read and never gotten around to it and vowed to read it later.  Athena and I hadn't spoken in years, but she reached out to me after my cancer diagnosis.

A bit about my cousin Athena.  She is... A-MA-ZING!  She's brilliant, to the point where I'm intimidated talking to her.  In fact, I often have to google words in her email to find out what they mean.  She's independent; after she graduated college she moved all the way to London to pursue her dream of writing and acting.  She's hilarious.  She's drop dead gorgeous with her hourglass figure, bright blue eyes, and long, stunning, fiery-red hair.  She's accomplished, even given a TEDx Talk you can view by clicking here.  If you've got 15 minutes, watch it!  It is incredibly inspiring and worth your time.  She's immensely talented.  She's accomplished more in her professional life than I ever will.  She's feisty and a bit of a smartass ~ she comes by that honestly because it is a highly inheritable family trait.  Basically, she's a badass bitch (and she knows I mean that as the highest compliment possible!)  And, she has some challenges in her life that most of us can't even imagine (she happens to have been born with cerebral palsy).  If you wish to learn more about Athena, check out her website or her blog Never Walked in High Heels.

So in all my whining, cursing and feeling sorry for myself, Athena emailed me to offer comfort.  I've got to say, I was embarrassed.  Here I was complaining about my temporary hair loss and my year full of doctor appointments and discomfort and she has faced far greater struggles on a daily basis.  Although don't tell her that ~ she doesn't want pity.  She is more self sufficient than I will ever be.  If I had half of the balls determination she has...

I have another chemo treatment on Monday.  Honestly, it's been hanging over my head throughout this Christmas season.  I'm dreading it!

Before I go into chemo week, I go through a 'nesting' period, where I try to be really productive and prepare for my down week.  I was cleaning out my office, and stumbled across my pile of books that I have good intentions about, but most likely will never read.  Sitting near the top was The Velveteen Rabbit.  It's so unlike me to stop in the middle of a task to sit down and read, but something pulled me to open the book up and start reading.  The following excerpt really stuck with me:

"You become {Real}. It takes a long time.  That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept.  Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby.  But these things don't matter at all because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to the people who don't understand."

I couldn't have read this at a better time.  Just last night, after the hustle and bustle of Christmas was over, I went to bed and had myself a good cry.  I miss my sister.  I hate cancer.  I fucking hate chemo.  I dread feeling sick.  I'm so over it.  I hesitate to even compare our situations.  My struggles are temporary, her's are permanent.  But, I feel like she is one of the few people who truly gets me at this time in my life.  She knows all too well about being self conscious about her appearance because of something beyond her control.  She knows what it is like to be jealous of people who take seemingly mundane things for granted.  She knows what it feels like to have people stare.  She gets that our health can be both a blessing and a curse.  SHE UNDERSTANDS.

Love you Athena!  Even from London, you knew exactly what I needed and sent it when I needed it!

Just Checking In

Hi all!  Just checking in.  I haven't written in over a week.  Some of you have messaged me to check in, thank you for your concern.  The truth is, I haven't written in awhile because I have been feeling so darn good that I've just been enjoying life.  I've enjoyed spending time with friends and listening to little ones run around a friends kitchen while we finish a craft the kids gave up on in 2 minutes.  I've enjoyed dinner with the girls and some uninterrupted grown up conversations.  I've enjoyed playing Lego's with Mason.  I've enjoyed some quiet time and a few date nights with the hubs.  And, this weekend, I enjoyed being surrounded by the Moss side of the family and hearing the kids sing Happy Birthday to Jesus.  And Mase having a sleepover with his cousin at his Nannie and Poppy Snyder's house.  Oh, the sound of two little boys giggling at 11:00pm when they are supposed to be going to sleep ~ it was music to my ears and honestly brought tears to my eyes.  We are blessed.  And I've always felt blessed, but even more so this Christmas as we celebrate with family.  Life is good.  God is great.

Lots to celebrate!  So thankful for this guy!

Mase is ready to dig into the presents.

My handsome kiddo

Say Cheese!

I've avoided pictures...  Really, who wants a picture when you aren't looking your best?  And let's be honest bald isn't exactly the look I was going for, but it is exactly the look I have.  A few months ago I read this piece called The Mom Stays in the Picture.  The biggest thing I took from this post is that we all take different things from a picture.

Here's an example:

Mom and Mason making cinnamon ornaments.
December 2014

I'm the first to admit, this isn't a great photo... But I love it.  I showed it to my mom and she did the typical response a lot of us are probably guilty of: I look old or fat or fill-in-the-blank here.  When I look at it, I see none of that.  I remember beaming with joy as my mom did a project with Mason that she used to do with me when I was younger.  As I took this picture I soaked in Mason's enthusiasm and the pride he showed in his project.  I listened to my mom and Mason laugh together and create together.  Does it get any better than that?

So today Mason wanted to take a picture and send it to Richard while he was working...  We did that and I cringed at my big old bald head... And then I remembered the article about when kids look at pictures they don't see our imperfections, they see our hearts.  

I pray that one day Mason and I will look back at this and not cringe over my bald head... Instead I hope he sees a growing-up-too-fast four year old who wanted to cuddle with his mama.  

The JV Symptoms - Yikes!

So, I'm well on my way to having completed two chemo cycles.  Only four more to go!

Since I'm about a week out from my infusion the "JV symptoms" have started.  These symptoms aren't as severe as as the nausea and bone aches, but every bit as annoying as a freshman.  I'm talking abdominal cramps, random diarrhea and sporadic nose bleeds.  At the same time.  At 4:30 in the morning.

Let me tell you, I must have been quite a site as call out to Richard over the bathroom fan to come help me because too many of my body parts are leaking at one time.  Try it: holding your head back, to keep blood from dripping on the pillow you are doubled over on, all while you are sitting on the toilet.  Now, with your third hand and your eyes closed (because you can't see because your head is tilted back) go ahead and reach for some toilet paper so you can tend to your nose and your bum.  Oh... then for good measure swallow some of that blood that is dripping down your throat and start to gag once you finally make it over the bathroom sink.  Mercy!  My bathroom looked like a scene from Dexter.

I was so frustrated over that whole incident that I couldn't get back to sleep.  Small victory: I did resist the urge to get up and eat a piece of the chocolate cake that was in the fridge :).  So, while I couldn't sleep, I spent some time talking with God, another victory.  I didn't try to rush through my prayers like I often do, I spent some real quality time with Him.  Thanking him for the many blessings in my life.  Thanking him that it is me and not Mase.  Thanking and praying for Richard.  Praying that the doctors would discover that they had made a mistake and that it wasn't necessary for me to continue on with the next four chemo cycles.  Thinking of the wonderful families that raised Richard and me... And how because of their example we are equipped to raise Mason.

Still blessed.  And thankful for some quiet time with God.  And a husband that tells me he loves me and asks how he can help over the bathroom fan, a bloody mess at 4:30 in the morning.

Heavy Hitter: Chemo Cycle #2

Hi all...  It's chemo week.  Marked by my 'quietness', 3 o'clock in the morning blog postings and my insatiable appetite.

Yesterday was day 4 of my second chemo cycle, my "bad" day and I'm so happy to announce that it was much better than day 4 of my first chemo cycle.  It still wasn't a picnic, but I felt a lot better this time around.  I still napped a lot, dealt with some minor aches and pains, and some slight nausea, but compared to the first time, yesterday was a big improvement.

Okay, so I've vowed to share the good, the bad and the ugly parts of this journey with you...  So, here goes...  I'm writing this because I need to let you know what's in my head.  I'm hesitant to even say it, because well, it just points out to my shallow insecurities and I fear it will sound like I'm fishing for compliments.  I'm not.  I just want to share.  And, quite honestly, I don't even want any feedback.  Yep, I know it's totally bratty to say what I want and then not want to hear your comforting words back, but I have cancer, so cut me a break.

Here it goes:  I don't know what it is, but this cancer thing has me putting on weight like no body's business.  Like, it's insane.  And, sometimes I really beat myself up about it (like 15 minutes ago as I was shoving a stale cinnamon roll into my pie hole at 2:45 in the morning).  And, sometimes I just don't give a damn.  But, if you know me, you know not giving a damn isn't really my style.  I like to obsess.  I like to plan.  I like to challenge myself to be my best.  I'd like to think I have power to control any thing, especially that stupid cinnamon roll from hopping in my mouth, but this time I don't.  My face is getting fuller.  My belly is definitely getting bigger.  And, I'm stuck somewhere between giving a damn (if I didn't care, I wouldn't be up writing a blog about it) and not.

I'm not sure what this crazy appetite/weight gain is about.  But, here are a few thoughts... Some legitimate and some are probably just me rationalizing:

1. Perhaps it's the steroids I have to take to make sure my body can tolerate the chemo.  Increased appetite is a known side effect.  I'd like to convince myself all this eating/weight gain is a placebo effect, but after some careful evaluation, over a midnight bowl of Reese's Puffs, I've come to the conclusion it's a real side effect and and not an imagined one.
2. In my house, food is comfort.  Thanks for passing this on to me, Mom!  So, when we don't feel good, we eat.  And when we celebrate, we eat.  And when we are bored/angry/happy/breathing we eat.  It's how we nurture each other, and also how we nurture ourselves.  Maybe I'm gaining weight because I'm feeding my soul.  
3. Exercise is... well, almost nonexistent.  I used to really like to walk, run, etc.  Now, it all seems like a lot of work.  On occasion, I will hop on the elliptical, but now my 'workouts' are what used to be my warm-up.  
4. Did you know your taste buds change during chemo?  True story!  Food actually tastes different, and not exactly in a good way.  Maybe I just keep stuffing it in my mouth in hopes that something will taste 'normal.'  Oh, how I wish things were back to normal.
5. The nausea... You would think that would make you want to quit eating, right?  Wrong!  It makes me just want to graze until it goes away... And the thing is, it doesn't really go away for days on end!  Yikes!  

I feel like I'm in emotional eating survival mode a bit.  And, that's okay.  So, here's the plan:  On days when I need comfort, then I will seek it out anyway I can... Through Natalie's English toffee, scalloped potatoes, stale cinnamon rolls, and any other carb I can shove into my mouth.  And, on days when I can do better, I will.  I'm not giving up, just giving in to where I stand this moment.  

Fill 'Er Up... And Round #2

Today, I had my first expansion appointment.  Yay for more natural looking boobs!  While I was nervous, I've got to say the expansion was a cake walk, so far.  I was told that I may experience some tightness and soreness this evening and tomorrow, but I'm feeling like a badass today, so I'm not too worried about it.  I just hope that soreness moves on before the chemo symptoms are in full swing.

DCP, my plastic surgeon, walked in made some small talk and got to business.  He took a stud finder type tool to identify where the ports on my expanders are located.  Then, he numbed me up and I could barely feel the needle in my right breast, but felt a bit more of a pinch in my left breast.  Then, he took a syringe and filled each breast with 60cc's.  It was a piece of cake.  And I could immediately see a difference.  Yay!  My breast expansion has been pretty much been put on the back burner, my choice.  It just doesn't seem as important to me and since my chemo will slow down my exchange surgery, I am taking my sweet time.  But, I must admit, seeing a bit more of a breast mound made me feel good, closer to my normal.  

He couldn't nail down the plan exactly, as I get to pick how big I want to go, but he anticipated that I will need 4-5 more fill appointments and then will be able to do my exchange 6-8 weeks after my last chemo infusion.  I will still continue with the Herceptin infusions for a year, but he will do the exchange once my 6 chemo treatments are complete.  Looks like by May I will be swim suit shopping... And I'm hopeful that my swim suit options will be a little more generous since I can be a little less worried about the support factor.  

Next, we headed over to the Hulston Cancer Center for my chemo infusion.  While I dread chemo's side effects that will hit Saturday afternoon and last for 3-5 days, I found myself looking forward to some alone time with Richard.  Again, chemo infusion day is almost relaxing.  Not horrible.  And, I don't feel nearly as self conscious with my hair issues if I'm in a doctors office.  Another win.  Always a silver lining.  Feeling much more normal today than I did yesterday...  God bless everyone!

Frustrated

Um... So this post might seem shallow, and I'm okay with that.  Tomorrow I have my second chemo session and my sweet mother-in-law, Val, is coming up to keep Mase.  Richard thought it would be great for us to sneak away for a date night.  It's been awhile since we've gotten a date night so I was looking forward to it all week.  Last night, I even went to bed thinking about what I would wear, racking my brain on what I had to feel special and pretty in.  I picked some skinny jeans, a black t-shirt, a cream colored leather jacket and some black boots.  I took a shower and put on some fancy lacy panties, just like the old days and took extra time to do my make-up carefully.  I really want to look pretty, both for myself and for my husband that deserves a pretty normal looking wife.

And now... I'm at a hair loss.  I'm frustrated to the point of tears.  I tried my wig on and it doesn't look right.  No matter what I do, it doesn't look right at all.  And, to be honest, even if it did look right, I don't think I would wear it.  It's itchy and hot.  And I think I'm more self conscious about wearing a wig than I am about my bald.  I tried on head scarves and those don't really look right either.  My beanies just don't look good with my outfit, and while great for outdoors, let's be honest, they don't exactly blend in when sitting inside a nice steak house.  And then there is my bald.  Which isn't horrible, but it's starting to get patchy.  I don't feel like I can freaking win.  I'm pretty sure this is the first time sad tears have fallen in a long time, which is saying a lot since the last two months have been a clusterfuck challenge.

It feels ridiculously stupid for crying over something as shallow as my hair.  I have plenty to cry about and you would think hair would be the least of my worries.  But it's not.  On days I don't care what I look like, which honestly is most days, I'm cool with my whatever, but tonight, I just want it to be like old times ~ I just want my long, blond hair back that I could straighten and toss around.

Is it too late to put on my comfy panties and my sweat pants and settle in with a bag of chips and a tub of french onion dip?

UPDATE:  After a good cry to my sweet mother-in-law and again on the way to the restaurant, we really enjoyed our date night.  I wore my hat inside the restaurant and once we were seated I took it off.  I was a little self conscious when a boy, around 8 or 9, whispered to his mom when he saw me and they both looked up at me.  His mom

must have explained something about me being sick and not to stare, but occasionally I would catch him looking at me.  I so badly wanted to make a funny face at him and answer the questions I could see swirling in his head.  I wanted to comfort him.  I was self conscious because I wanted him to be comfortable, not as much for my sake.

After dinner, we stopped by a book store where I picked up a few coffees for the trip home.  As I am leaving, a woman complimented me on my hair.  Wow, that caught me off guard.  I probably hesitated a bit and then politely said thank you and was prepared to keep walking.  She took the brave step of asking me if I was a cancer patient.  That was a huge risk, and it meant so much to me that she took that risk.  I shared with her that I was and that her compliment meant so much to me, as I was struggling a bit with my hair since it was my first night out since I started losing my hair.  She shared with me that she was a 14 year breast cancer survivor.  Her taking the risk and the time meant the world to me.  Made me feel less alone.  There are lots of people walking around that know exactly what I'm going through.  At times, I feel like the only one, but the truth is, I probably have a lot of cancer sisters around me even without even knowing it.