Did I Win or Lose?

36,128

The number takes my breath away.  Seeing it instilled feelings of panic, of gratitude, and of sadness.

It doesn't seem fair on so many different levels.  I know it could be political, but I'm not going to take it there.  I'm not even smart enough to take it there, even if I wanted to.

Why me {in disbelief as I think about just how fortunate I am}?

Why me {in disbelief over my diagnosis}?

How is this even fair?

$36,128.48 - that was the number on the hospital statement that came today for a few bags of fluid that look like nothing more than saline solution one treatment.  It doesn't include the oncologist visit, or the physician assistant.  No pain meds, no operating room.  No anesthesia.  Just an old recliner that I sit in for 5 hours during my infusions.  Unbelievable!  Insert joke about how expensive my cancer hair cut is going to cost when it's all said and done.  If I had to guess, I would say somewhere around $400,000 when it's all said and done.  But I'm sure there are things I'm missing...

So, why me?? If I happen to be in another country, I might just be SOL (for my mother-in-law that stands for shit out of luck).  Perhaps I would be given some medicine or something to help with pain, if I were lucky enough to be able to afford a doctor, but no way I would get a $40k treatment.  (Reminds me of a story my parents shared with me: They visited Cuba and a local family they had befriended wanted to make a birthday cake.  They were willing to spend what little money they had to be a gracious host and struggled to find a cup of sugar. A cup of sugar.  You can buy a 4lb. bag here for $1.  But there, they simply didn't have access to such simple things.)  It's unbelievable to think just because of fate/luck/whatever-you-want-to-call-it, I get top notch treatment, where others would get substantially less.

Why me??  Sometimes I'm still in disbelief over my diagnosis.  I'm 36.  Healthy.  Happy.  Mother.  Wife.  Nothing special about me, except I've got this 'special' diagnosis, that if not caught would have killed me.  Would have cut my time on Earth short.  Would have devastated my family.  So darn lucky it was caught early, when really it shouldn't have been.

How is this even fair?  After the shock and panic of seeing a $36k medical statement, I felt a little giddy and a lot guilty.  Giddy that I know I don't have to pay anywhere close to that amount for my treatment.  Giddy that if something costs that much, surely it's bound to do some good, right?  And guilty because I know nothing in life is free.  What I receive for free is something someone else has had to work for.  I will never be able to 'repay' this debt, nor am I expected to.  Insurance (and by insurance I mean all you healthy people who have to pick up my cancer tab) just steps in and lifts that burden off of me and our family.  It isn't fair.  I fully understand insurance is a gamble, I'm just not sure if I have won or lost.  Either way, I feel blessed.

Just Checking In

Hi all!  Just checking in.  I haven't written in over a week.  Some of you have messaged me to check in, thank you for your concern.  The truth is, I haven't written in awhile because I have been feeling so darn good that I've just been enjoying life.  I've enjoyed spending time with friends and listening to little ones run around a friends kitchen while we finish a craft the kids gave up on in 2 minutes.  I've enjoyed dinner with the girls and some uninterrupted grown up conversations.  I've enjoyed playing Lego's with Mason.  I've enjoyed some quiet time and a few date nights with the hubs.  And, this weekend, I enjoyed being surrounded by the Moss side of the family and hearing the kids sing Happy Birthday to Jesus.  And Mase having a sleepover with his cousin at his Nannie and Poppy Snyder's house.  Oh, the sound of two little boys giggling at 11:00pm when they are supposed to be going to sleep ~ it was music to my ears and honestly brought tears to my eyes.  We are blessed.  And I've always felt blessed, but even more so this Christmas as we celebrate with family.  Life is good.  God is great.

Lots to celebrate!  So thankful for this guy!

Mase is ready to dig into the presents.

My handsome kiddo

Abundantly Blessed

For the most part, it's been a good week.  I'm finally getting over a cold, which I likely got while my immune system was down.  Thankful I am starting to feel better and also that I am hopeful I will be well for my next treatment, which will be this coming Thursday.  

Ugh!  I have a love/hate relationship with my treatments.  I dread it.  I've found my good days getting clouded by the dread of knowing what's to come.  I know next weekend I will be very sick, very achy and not able to do much of anything.  I know my only goal next Saturday, Sunday and Monday will be to make it through the day.  It almost seems sinful to waste a good day, such as today, with worrying about the future.  But, the worry manages to creep in.  

I also love the fact that after my next treatment, I will be 1/3 the way through.  And by New Year's I will be half way finished with my sentence treatment.  I'm hoping to have a cute, spunky hair style by summer.  I can do this!  It's just a season, right?  Come to think of it, New Year's day I will likely feel the same way some of you may feel on New Year's Day.  Hungover.  I guess I can take comfort in knowing my chemo hangover isn't of my own doing.  

Okay, back to being abundantly blessed.  I've been working on Christmas cards, and as I write each one, I am reminded of why I am abundantly blessed.  It isn't at all the things around me, it is the people around me.  It's my boss and department I work for that has been beyond supportive of me.  It's my friend Joni in Marshfield who watches Mase when I have appointments and showers him with love.  It's my friends Sam and Tara who I haven't seen in nearly a year and continue to text me at those times I need the support.  Their texts of encouragement always seem to come just when I need it.  Or my best friend from high school Sarah, who always makes me smile and we can pick up a conversation so easily just like we did in high school.  Or my mom and dad, who have been beyond supportive of me ~ not just with this cancer ordeal, but my entire life, whether I deserved their support or not.  And my sister.  Especially my sister.  Today she told me "it's okay to tell me when you have bad days.  You don't need to protect me from those.  I want to be there for you."  She said she can tell when I have a bad day because I won't answer my phone.  She's right.  She knows me all too well.  I miss her something awful!  

And then there is my little family.  I look at Mase and I just want to cry ~ but in a good way.  I love the little guy he is becoming.  He has a heart of gold!  I am so thankful that he's not old enough to be embarrassed of me and my bald head.  That would break my heart.  Instead, he helps me pick out my hat and headscarves, and I almost always go with whatever he picks.  If only time would slow down.  That kid has my heart.  I love him so much that it makes my heart ache, again in a good way.  And then there is my husband.  Who continues to shave his head since I am losing my hair.  Who still wakes up in the middle of the night to ask me if I need anything.  Who loves me unconditionally.  And supports me and encourages me to be me...  I am humbled that I get to be married to such an amazing man and that Mason has such an awesome example of a man to look up to.  I love both of them so much it's quite frankly hard to even put into words...  

Even though I have this cancer thing going on, I still feel like the absolute luckiest girl in the world. 

When You Find Out Who Your Friends Are

When you go through trials, you find out who your friends are...  Some disappear when they get tired of hearing about you worry/cry/fart.  And some draw closer, hug you tighter, make you laugh harder, and are willing to sit with you during any storm - even a shit storm (you ladies better remember that when the chemo diarrhea starts!).

We moved to Lake Ozark just over a year ago.  We didn't know anyone...  I remember being so scared to make friends... Little did I know I would make lifelong friends who would carry me through a very tough journey.

These girls (and a few others not pictured) have been beyond generous with their words, with their prayers, with their time/resources and with their hearts.  I know that each of them would go through Hell or high-water for my family and me.  Honestly, I don't even feel like the word 'friend' does them justice... They are more like sisters (which is awesome since my twin sister, Jill, just moved to Florida on Thursday).  Sisters know all your dirty little secrets and love you anyway.  They don't judge.  They just accept you.  Plain and simple.

These girls and I share our Sunday evenings together.  We gather to encourage either other, laugh together and grow in our walk with Christ together.  They all have families to feed, marriages to nurture, and kids to care for, yet we are committed to meeting Sunday nights to support each other through the good and the bad.  All these gals are phenomenal and we are all at different stages in our faith.  Most are steadfast, consistent, strong, and stable.  And then there is me: Questioning, sometimes resistant, but also open to learning.  They don't judge.  They just accept me for where I am at.  Plain and simple.  Just like Christ.  The thing about these ladies... they don't just talk the talk.  They walk the walk.  And if I'm one of us is trailing behind in the race, they all stop to encourage, and carry me each other, if necessary, closer to the finish line.

Over the past month. these girls have fed my family with delicious food.  More importantly, over the past year, these girls have fed my soul.  Loving me, supporting me, challenging me: as a mother, as a wife, and as a Christian.  Tonight, they surprised me with party!  They had a big, full length mirror set up and showered me with hats, scarves, house shoes, and other chemo care items.  We watched tutorials on different ways to tie head scarves (turns out it isn't as hard as it looks.  And if it is, then my friend Nancy offered to fix my 'hair' every day for me.).

The party came at a perfect time, as I was actually having a rough afternoon thinking about losing my hair.  I stood in church this morning and was envisioning myself walking into a room of 200 people bald.  The thought terrified me.  I have my wig, but it isn't super comfortable with hair, so I can only imagine it without hair.  And, when I wear it, honestly I feel like a faker; like I'm some Saturday Night Live character.  I didn't know if I could rock the scarf/hat look.  Turns out I can.

When you find out who your friends are... you realize life is amazing.  Even during the storms.  Thank you girls for always being there no matter what!  Beyond blessed to be surrounded by women like you!

I love these ladies!
(Back left: Maria, Sherri, Molly, Mindy, me, Carrie, Jill, Whitney,
Front left: Nancy, Kristen and Natalie)

It's Cancer. Turns Out My Boobs Really Were Trying to Take Me Down!

I finally am able to get the pain under control.  Sleeping is still a struggle, but now that the pain is better I'm hopeful I can sleep better (note that I'm typing this post at 3:00 am).

It's about 4:30 pm on day 2.  Dr. Buckner (DBB) calls and wants to check in.  I think that it's great that he called and wanted to make sure I was comfortable and had enough pain meds to get me through the weekend.  Here's a bit of our conversation:

DBB:  Hi Julie, it's Dr. Buckner.  How are you feeling?
Me:  I'm doing okay.  I'm in some pain, but I think we are going to get that figured out.
DBB:  Julie, I got a report back from the lab and the lump we took out was cancer.
Me:  Huh?
DBB:  The lump we took out was cancer.  I am sure I got all the margins out, so that is good news.
Me:  Huh?  What does all this mean?
DBB:  Well, we can discuss things when you come in Monday for your visit.  I don't have the full report back, I just wanted to let you know as soon as I found out.
Me:  Okay.
DBB:  Julie, we are going to get this.  It's out!  We may need to do some more testing and biopsy a few nodes, but as far as breast surgeries, you shouldn't need any more of those regarding this cancer.  We'll work on setting you up with an oncologist.
Me:  Okay.  (I'm in shock and am having trouble talking at this point)

We wrap up our phone call.  While he dropped this huge bomb on me, there just wasn't anything that can be done at this moment.  I am in shock.  And I'm highly medicated (that's probably a good thing).  I keep thinking this is a bad dream.  He told me best case scenario it's an estrogen fed cancer, so that is what we are hoping for.  He said I should immediately stop taking my estrogen.  I actually called him back about 5 minutes later because I could not comprehend what he was saying.  As the phone is ringing I'm trying to convince myself that maybe he said 'pre-cancerous' and that wouldn't be so bad.  He answers his phone and I ask for some clarification.  Nope, he definitely said cancer.  So, now we wait.  I freaking hate waiting!  He confirms our follow-up appointment for Monday.

Richard and I briefly talk about it, but again we both are in shock.  We didn't see this coming at all.  All I really want is for Richard to hug me and hold me right now, but that isn't going to happen anytime soon thanks to these sucky tissue expanders.

My mom was on her way home from her consult with Dr. Price, my plastic surgeon.  She called in while I was talking to DBB, so I needed to call her back.  I'm anxious to hear about her appointment and decided I would wait until she is home to tell her that the lump was cancer.

Me:  Hi Mom!  How are you?
Mom:  Good baby girl, how are you feeling?
Me: Well, um I'm okay.  Are you home or driving?
Mom: I'm driving.
Me:  Oh, okay.  Well, just call me when you get home.  How was your appointment?
Mom:  Julie, you tell me right now what is going on!

I tried so hard to sound positive and upbeat on the phone.  I certainly didn't want to worry her or cause her to wreck.  I considered not telling her until after my Monday appointment, but I knew she would want to know.  I can only imagine the shock it was to her, too.

Richard and were just talking about that lump and how it is a blessing in disguise.  I probably wouldn't have barreled through this mastectomy if I didn't have that lump.  I had a few people question if I were doing the right thing since I just had a hysterectomy less than 4 weeks ago.  I, too, was questioning if the mastectomy was a right decision for me.  But I had this gut instinct that I needed to push through, even if it was too fast for someone else, it was what was right for me.  THANK GOD that I listened to my own inner voice.

I'm in shock.  Cancer is kind of a big deal.  Stupidly The possibility of cancer didn't really enter my mind.  I have yet to cry more than 5 minutes about this.  I've already done the most radical treatment option there is.  What else can they take from me?  I mean, I'm running out of spare parts.  I continue to feel numb (true statement both physically and emotionally).

I've seen that sometimes cancer can be treated solely with a mastectomy.  I pray that's the case, but if it's not, I know I can handle whatever treatment I need...  Once again, God's got this!

God is still very good.  I was lead to push through with this mastectomy because He was preparing me.  The positive BRCA test, the worry, the hysterectomy, the mastectomy ~ all were preparing me for this.  He does not put us through trials to test our faith.  We encounter trials because he knows what's best.  While some may be angry or wonder why me (all totally valid feelings) I truly think these trials are bringing me and my family closer to him.

I hope to get some sleep now.  Thanks for reading!  For those of you who worry, know that between the Moss family and the Gillispie family we are STRONG!  Still in shock, but more importantly still feeling very blessed.