Sunday, January 25, 2015

Did I Win or Lose?

36,128

The number takes my breath away.  Seeing it instilled feelings of panic, of gratitude, and of sadness.

It doesn't seem fair on so many different levels.  I know it could be political, but I'm not going to take it there.  I'm not even smart enough to take it there, even if I wanted to.

Why me {in disbelief as I think about just how fortunate I am}?

Why me {in disbelief over my diagnosis}?

How is this even fair?

$36,128.48 - that was the number on the hospital statement that came today for a few bags of fluid that look like nothing more than saline solution one treatment.  It doesn't include the oncologist visit, or the physician assistant.  No pain meds, no operating room.  No anesthesia.  Just an old recliner that I sit in for 5 hours during my infusions.  Unbelievable!  Insert joke about how expensive my cancer hair cut is going to cost when it's all said and done.  If I had to guess, I would say somewhere around $400,000 when it's all said and done.  But I'm sure there are things I'm missing...

So, why me?? If I happen to be in another country, I might just be SOL (for my mother-in-law that stands for shit out of luck).  Perhaps I would be given some medicine or something to help with pain, if I were lucky enough to be able to afford a doctor, but no way I would get a $40k treatment.  (Reminds me of a story my parents shared with me: They visited Cuba and a local family they had befriended wanted to make a birthday cake.  They were willing to spend what little money they had to be a gracious host and struggled to find a cup of sugar. A cup of sugar.  You can buy a 4lb. bag here for $1.  But there, they simply didn't have access to such simple things.)  It's unbelievable to think just because of fate/luck/whatever-you-want-to-call-it, I get top notch treatment, where others would get substantially less.

Why me??  Sometimes I'm still in disbelief over my diagnosis.  I'm 36.  Healthy.  Happy.  Mother.  Wife.  Nothing special about me, except I've got this 'special' diagnosis, that if not caught would have killed me.  Would have cut my time on Earth short.  Would have devastated my family.  So darn lucky it was caught early, when really it shouldn't have been.

How is this even fair?  After the shock and panic of seeing a $36k medical statement, I felt a little giddy and a lot guilty.  Giddy that I know I don't have to pay anywhere close to that amount for my treatment.  Giddy that if something costs that much, surely it's bound to do some good, right?  And guilty because I know nothing in life is free.  What I receive for free is something someone else has had to work for.  I will never be able to 'repay' this debt, nor am I expected to.  Insurance (and by insurance I mean all you healthy people who have to pick up my cancer tab) just steps in and lifts that burden off of me and our family.  It isn't fair.  I fully understand insurance is a gamble, I'm just not sure if I have won or lost.  Either way, I feel blessed.

1 comment:

  1. My wish would be for a less costly and also less caustic cure for all cancers, no cure or treatment should make your hair fall out and make you feel like death ! Glad that they were able to catch it early and give you the best treatments we now have. Hang in there you have done a great job of fighting the fight ! Hugs !

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