NEVER ALONE

I'm preparing to tell my cancer story to a group of students and it has me thinking about what I want to say.  Let's be honest, my blog isn't exactly academically appropriate, but I know I want to be sincere and honest and that is exactly what my blog is.  It's dawned on me that cancer is a totally fubar'd total juxtaposition of emotions.

Since the end of yesterday's treatment, I've been on a bit of a high knowing I am on the downhill side the nastiness/awesomeness of chemo (admittedly it might again be the steroids that are making me giddy too).

Chemo is harsh. It's cruel. It knocks you on your ass and makes you crazy. I hate my sick days after my treatment.  Yet, it also may very well be saving my life. Prolonging the time I get with my family. It may be totally eradicating any trace of cancer that name still remain in my body.  Or it may be doing nothing at all, except killing my hair folicales.

And then there is the feeling of being beyond fragile and at the same time like a total badass.  

Or feeling pulled to listen to some amazing worship music and some profanity laden rap music. 

Feeling like I'm holding it all together at times and also on the brink of a complete meltdown.

Blessed and cursed. 

Laughing and crying.

Praising and cursing.

Angry and grateful. 

Strong and weak. 

Excited for the end of treatment, but also beyond scared to be turned lose without supervision. Thankful for my amazing family and hating myself that I'm putting them through this roller coaster. 

Energetic and so exhausted (once again, thank you steroids).

Hungry and nauseous.

Last night, Richard came home and we turned off the tv and had a good heart to heart.  He's good like that.  He is feeling the exact same way I am.  I'm not alone.  It's good when there is someone to walk you off your crazy ledge, but sometimes it's just nice to have someone sit on the ledge with you and hold your hand.  Thanks, Richard.

This morning, after a good cup of coffee, I was reflecting on Richard's and I chat last night.  It's okay to not always be strong.  But, it's also okay to give it to God and let it go.  He doesn't want us to shoulder these burdens alone.  He asks that we trust him.  And we do.  And when we waiver, he takes our brokenness and uses it to work within us.  Never alone.  NEVER ALONE.