The Party's Over

Last night, I was laying in bed and damn near had a panic attack.  The gravity is starting to hit me.  My positive attitude, that has been running on my natural optimism, adrenaline and perhaps naivety, is waning.  I've always thought of this little cancer thing as a minor hiccup in our lives; a year of inconvenience, then I'm home free.  But, the truth is, I'm starting to realize that isn't the case.  I have cancer.  Fucking Flipping cancer!  And it might come back (as a reminder they gave me a 50% return rate, which reduces to 15-20% with the chemo).  And, I fully know if it comes back it will be worse - blood, brain, lung, liver.

I'd like to think because of my positive attitude and willingness to do whatever they tell me to do to reduce my risks that I am somehow immune from it returning, but I'm not.  I've been in a similar situation before: where you try with every ounce you have in you and then some.  Where you refuse to give up and kick, scream and fight for what you want.  And guess what, it wasn't enough.  The exact thing I didn't want to happen still happened, despite my positive attitude, my fight and my willingness to do anything to get it to work.  It just wasn't in His plan.  And to this day, I thank God for that.  That was a hard lesson: Sometimes your best just isn't enough (que Patty Smyth).

But, what if my efforts aren't enough this time.  What if my best just isn't good enough?  It's happened before.  What if it isn't in His plan?  Is it because I cuss too much?  What if cancer does win?  I'd love to think I'll beat it, but the truth is, it is always lurking.  

Picture this: You are walking down the street and someone just mugged you.  Scanning the crowd of thousands, you know that 1 in 5 people are out to get you again.  You can't just quit.  You have to keep going.  You have to keep walking, wondering when one of those people are going to try to take you out again.  It might be in the next block, or it could be miles down the road, or never at all.  But how do you let your guard down when you know the threat is out there.  And next time, you don't just get mugged.  You get it worse, because they've taken all your money and jewelry.  There's nothing left you can easily give up.  

I'm scared.  And I feel myself being anxious and trying to hold it together because frankly, allowing myself to go there all the way is just too damn scary for me to even imagine.