One Step Forward, One Step Back

*Disclaimer* I'm writing this post with full intentions of publishing it in a few days. So by the time any of you read this, it will be old news to me.  I say that because I don't at all want people worrying about me.  I fully believe I am fine, I'll just feel better when the doctors believe the same thing.

6-17-15
So recently a few friends and I have talked about doing a half-marathon.  There is even one on my cancer-versary that we talked about signing up for.  As I was sitting in the waiting room for a follow-up appointment, my friends sent me a text saying there was a discount code available if you signed up for the race today so naturally in all my excitement to save $7.50, I stupidly naively signed up for the Waddell & Reed Kansas City Half Marathon, forgetting that I will actually have to complete 13.1 miles.  Well played Waddell & Reed, this girl loves a bargain and fell right into your trap!  Yes, I got so excited about saving $7.50 that I took the plunge to sign up for a half marathon I am no where near prepared for!

As I was feeling a little nauseous/excited about signing up for this race, I over confidently thought to myself "I'm going to show cancer that she's messed with the wrong lady!  I WIN!" I could feel my swagger coming back.  One step forward in me taking back my life.  

Literally one minute later, my breast surgeon walks in the room.  We do our nice greetings and I take my top off for him (that's how we roll).  He feels around a little bit and becomes concern over a mass.  I had assumed it was nothing, just part of the healing process, but he isn't quite so sure.  I think he's feeling this mass for awhile (admittedly, since I have zero feeling in my breast, I can't say for how long or how aggressively he was feeling around there).  I usually shut my eyes during the exam, you know to keep it less awkward.  He recommends I go for an ultrasound.  

The office folks at both my surgeon's office and the Cox Breast Center bend over backwards to get me in the same day.  I intended this to be a quick 10 minute appointment, and it just turned into a one hour appointment.  No biggie.  Right?

I waited a bit to get called back by the ultrasound tech.  I didn't mind, the waiting area had several tables with jigsaw puzzles on them.  I love puzzles!  (What a genius idea to keep women busy instead of sitting there worried - nice job Cox Breast Center!).  After a 30 minute ultrasound and some chit chat with the tech, she tells me the doctor will review my images and she'll be back shortly.  

2 hours later: I wait.  And then the tech comes back and says the doctor wants to see a mammogram of the mass.  I didn't know you could mammogram an implant, but it turns out you can.  At this point I start to get worried.  What is on that ultrasound that is so worrisome that warrants them risking breaking my new boob?

After the ultrasound, and the mammogram I finally meet with the doctor for yet another ultrasound.  She says something doesn't look right.  She explains that when they do ultrasounds they can often confidently say it's nothing or confidently say it's cancer and in my case she couldn't confidently tell me either way.  

My thoughts: Shit! What do you mean something doesn't look right?  I just signed up for this race.  What if I can't do my race?  Oh my God!  What the f$@# is happening right now?  Am I going to die? It's cancer.  No! It's nothing.  They are just being careful because they don't want to get sued.  I know how this works.  Stop playing games!  I won't sue!  Just tell me what is going on! Oh gosh, Richard has been with Mason in the car for a long time.  They both are probably going crazy.  What if one of them needs to poop?  Can we just hurry this up, please?

3 and a half hours later: The doctor suggests a biopsy is in order.  Or we can just wait and see and I can come back in a few weeks.  F that!  We need to figure this thing out like yesterday.  Luckily, they worked me in for a needle core biopsy... She took 3 samples with this thing that makes a loud, startling clicking noise (sort of like one of Mason's toy guns).  One step back.

And now we wait... Again...  

I'm 94% confident this isn't a big deal.  Perhaps some necrosis (which sounds really bad, but I don't think it's a huge deal) and the other 6% of me is scared shitless.  I've had that "it's not a big deal" feeling before... And I couldn't have been more wrong.  

On the bright side, after we returned home, my friends had left bags of Oreos on my counter to do an Oreo taste test.  They know me SO well!

UPDATE
6-21-15  Richard and I handled the stress of waiting for the results really well this weekend.  Until 9:30 when he went to the bathroom and I went to bed.  We both secretly started looking up information on Google.  Goodness, that's one way to get yourself whipped up into a frenzy fast!  I told Richard that I could handle another surgery.  But that another round of chemo would be devastating.  And the thought of starting all over when we had just arrived at the point where we could see the light at the end of the tunnel felt like too much.  We prayed.  And vowed to stop looking at Google for the night.

At 10:42pm, my phone rang.  It was Dr. Buchner.  Seeing his name come up on my phone brought back a flood of memories the last time I saw his name on my phone.  He said the mass was benign - no cancer!  He also said a bunch of other stuff that I didn't catch because I heard the words we so desperately needed to hear!  What an incredible blessing!

Also a blessing is that I have a surgeon who saw the results at 10:45pm, after a long day, and took the time to call me, knowing I was probably on pins and needles waiting for the outcome.