"Just to be Safe" (and a story about the time I peed my pants)

Last week, I had a 3 month follow-up with my oncologist, Dr. Ellis.  I must say, it's a great feeling walking into that office knowing I am just going to get a little stick for some blood work, and nothing else.  Honestly, I don't even feel like I belong there any more...

All went well with Dr. Ellis and I graduated to 6 month appointments.  Upon some discussion, Dr. Ellis decided it would be best for me to go ahead and have CT scans for the next 3 years, just to be on the safe side.  He said he wanted to take a conservative approach since I am so young and if things were to go wrong again, it would likely happen in the next 3 years.

I have mixed feelings about the scans.  On one hand, I am excited to officially get a clean bill of health to start off my new year.  I feel that may help remove any doubt that something could be lingering since I am no longer doing my maintenance chemo.  On the other side, I know I can't just go in for a scan and not consider the possibilities.  Scans are an opportunity to reinforce my feeling of health, but the are also an opportunity to stress about the 'what if.'

Lucky for me, the schedulers worked to get my CT scan in before the end of the year so it would be covered under this year's insurance.  So, on Dec. 31st, into the imaging center I went.

Once I filled out the paperwork, the procedure was relatively quick.  They start an IV, I go into this room with the big imagining machine and lay on this table that moves me in and out of this circular machine.  The tech warned me that the contrast dye may give me a bit of a metal taste in my mouth and a slight flush feeling.  I thought to myself I've been through chemo and have been thrown in instant menopause with hot flashes and night sweats, I can handle a little flush feeling.  Y'all, as soon as they started pushing the dye through my IV, I felt this intense warm feeling all over my body (image your body being one of those 'Hot Hands' pouches that heat up).  Again, I can handle the hot flash part, but what I wasn't prepared for is the incredibly warm feeling in my groin.  It felt like I had peed my pants... And, believe it or not, I know exactly what it feels like to pee your pants as an adult.  It was about 5 and a half years ago.  I was in my sister's driveway, 8 months pregnant.  I started laughing about something and could not stop (a common occurrence when I'm with my sister).  Well, needless to say, that wasn't the only thing I couldn't stop.  Yep, right there in Briarbrook Circle, I full on peed my pants.  We're not talking about a little dribble.  I'm talking about having to run up stairs and take a bath because my jeans were completely soaked.  I digress.  Luckily, after about 30 seconds of that feeling, my body started to return to it's normal feeling.

Honestly, I hadn't worried about the scan much at all... Until I was lying on that table.  Once I was over the panic of thinking I had peed my pants, my thoughts started to drift off to the worse case scenario.  What if it's back?  What if they find some other issue that I wasn't even aware of?  Luckily, the scan was quick, so I didn't have too much time to whip myself up into a full on frenzy.

Of course, the tech can't tell me anything about what they see on the images.  I so desperately want them to break protocol and tell me that everything looks great.  She tells me that she doesn't see anything that warrants her keeping me there... What the hell does that mean?  I think to myself "No shit Sherlock, I know I'm not having a heart attack or anything, but they send women with cancer home every day."  I study her face, hoping she'll give me a reassuring wink or something... But I got nothing.

As I'm leaving, she compliments me on my hair.  Naturally, I'm assuming she is complimenting my hair because she feels sorry for me based off of what she sees on my scan that she can't tell me about. I mean let's be honest, my hair looks Justin Bieber stuck his finger in a light socket.

Okay, after having got on with my life, I've only thought about these results a few times a day.  I'm not wasting much time crossing the bridge before I have to.  I joke, but for the most part, I have every reason to believe I will get the all clear results I so badly wanted to hear from the tech.

I'll post an update once I get the results.

UPDATE: FUCK Dang it, not the answer I was looking for.