Ugh, My Body Hates Me. And another confession. Don't judge.

So, I not so patiently waited for my CT scan results to come in.  I was so excited to get the call that I was officially all clear and start kicking some butt in 2016.  I've signed up for a few half-marathons, planned out vacations with the family, thought of some ambitious goals ~ This was going to be my year to move forward.  I was psyched!

Today, we were at a playdate and I saw the "No Caller ID" show up on my phone.  I knew it was either a telemarker or my oncology office with the results.  It was a cheery nurse on the other line to let me know my scan results were in.  As soon as she said that, I got all excited about getting the news and my sweet girlfriend being there to celebrate the all clear!  I instantly envisioned us doing a 'cheers' with our coffee cups.

I stepped out of the room so I could clearly hear my results.  I wanted to take the moment in fully ~ This was big - This was going to be the start of a new year.  She took a deep breath and then started talking.  I tried to make sense out of what she was saying, and while I could hear her, I wasn't putting the words together very well.  Before I even knew what was happening, I got the hot, starry blackness feeling that happens before you pass out.  I sat down on the stair case.  Words I heard were: Liver. Lesion.  Abnormal.  Cyst.  Benign.  Malignant.  MRI.  I couldn't make sense of it, but I knew it wasn't what I was hoping for.

I'm not in the mood to talk about it.  I just wanted to write my feelings down, so know that by the time I post this, hopefully the panic will be gone.  God is still good all the time.  I am confident this is nothing... I know lesions or cysts are common - most people just may not be aware of them because they don't get scans.  And, I know that I can and will handle whatever comes my way.  Truth is, though, I am tired and I don't want to handle any of it.

I felt like cancer made me better.  But, I honestly don't feel the same about these little hiccups.  I'm tired of looking over my shoulder, so to speak.  I was so excited and prepared to start looking forward...

Still blessed.  Stressed, but blessed.

(Sidenote: I'm thankful I was with friends when I got this call.  Immediately, they sent me home to be with Richard and get some stuff in order.  They offered to take Mason for the afternoon.  They let me vent and cuss.  No judgement.  Just genuine friendship.  Love you ladies!)

UPDATE: After some digging, I was able to get access to my report and had it read by the very best doctor I have ever known (my Dad!).  He said it didn't look like any major cause for concern.  They are just being thorough, as they should be.  Truth is, you may very well have lesions on your liver, you just aren't lucky enough getting scans to tell you.  So, I will follow through with maxing out my out-of-pocket insurance payment for 2016 the recommended MRI, but I'm really not worried about it.  My oncologist doesn't believe it is cancer related.  And I'm feeling very optimistic.  My liver MRI is scheduled for next week.

Confession: *Please don't judge me!  We all do stupid shit I'm just stupid enough to share it.* I told Richard that this is probably karma for the 2 weeks I experimented in college.  I was looking for a sympathetic "Oh, Julie.  No it's not!" but instead, he said "You are probably right!"  But, let's be honest, if our bodies were karma for what we did in college, a lot of you would probably be in some serious trouble!  HA!

And with that confession, I just feel the need to publicly apologize to my mother and mother-in-law.