Day 17: Still exhausted and a bit livid.

I'm so tired.  Every day I wake up and tell myself 1. to be positive and not to be consumed by this and 2. maybe today will be the day.  I'm tired of having to give my self a pep talk every morning.  I'm hanging on to the fact that it will be 'just one more day.'

Finally, I took it upon myself to call Myriad labs.  So, now I've crossed the line from being that patient to being that certifiably crazy patient.  I didn't have anything to lose.  After giving them some information, I was able to speak with Rachel who was in charge of my case.  (Honestly, I was surprised I was able to talk to an actual person ~ wasn't really expecting that) I just wanted them to know that I am human and I feel like I have been held hostage (granted self-imposed) by them not releasing my results.  I know they are looking forward to their weekend, but I wasn't.  I'm dreading the weekend because I still don't have answers.  I just wanted them to hear that I'm more than a saliva sample.

The conversation went something like this:

Me:  Hi Rachel.  This is Julie Moss.
Rachel: Hi Julie.  I just closed out of your file.
Me:  You did?!  That's great!  Does that mean results will be coming soon?
Rachel: Yes.  We can now start to run your test.
Me:  (Barely able to speak from getting the proverbial wind knocked out of me)  You mean you haven't started my test yet?
Rachel:  Well, we were having some trouble with where to look.  We now know that and am starting your test.  I've put a rush on it.  The test usually takes 5-7 days.
Me:  (Literally out of breath and my heart pounding)  So you mean another week of waiting?
Rachel:  Yes
Me:  Okay.  I'm just so tired.
Rachel:  *Dead silence*
Me:  Thank you.  Bye.

I'm still not sure what the hold up is.  I would have thought since they have Jill's results, my results would have been much faster to locate.  Jill's test was like finding a needle in a haystack.  Her test will tell them exactly where my needle in the haystack is,  and somehow it's taking longer.

I'm frustrated.  And freaking exhausted.  And I wish I could call and give someone a piece of my mind, but 1. that isn't my style and 2. I don't even have the energy to do that if it were my style.

So... More waiting.  I'd give anything if someone would just knock me out and wake me up when this is over.  I catch myself thinking I just can't handle the stress anymore.  But, then I remember, that if BRCA+ the stress has just begun.  It's a marathon, not a sprint.  Thing is, I already feel like I ran that marathon, and now someone really did just pull the tape and say 'sorry, you still have a ways to go.'

Tomorrow will be a better day.

Thanks to all of you who have read the blog and sent sweet texts checking in.  It means a lot.

I know this will come to an end soon.  At least the waiting part.  And I know people who never 'get an end' to their hurt.  It could be worse.  Until then, I will put on my big girl panties and continue on...

Speaking of panties... If I'm BRCA+ that maybe means I would eventually get to throw away all those period panties.  Girls, you know the one's I'm talking about, right?!  That's the silver lining for today.

"Too much quiet time in my house makes for a noisy time in my head."

So, I officially became one of those patients today…  I called my doctor's office and spoke with Jessica, the super nice nurse that administered my test.  My conversation went something like this:

Hi Jessica, this is Julie Moss.  I took that BRCA test early last week.  Hey, I know you are busy and have real things to do today, but I would feel so much better if I just had some sort of information.  I know they can't speed up my test, but I'd just like something.  I'm going crazy up in here!   

Jessica called Myriad to check on my test probably as she was noting in my chart my unstable emotional state.  All they could say was that they have my sample and are working on it.  While it's not a ton of information, it is something.  At least I know the wheels are turning.  They've confirmed my test did not fall out of the FedEx airplane.  And, no fire :).

During the day when I stay busy I am fine.  But at night, when Mason has gone to bed and Richard has started to doze off, I start to worry.  Too much quiet time in my house makes for a noisy time in my head.  Last night, right before I went to sleep (which isn't super easy these days), I remember a few tears falling down my cheeks.  It wasn't even close to a full on crying session so I clearly wasn't a total mess.  To be honest, at the time, I wasn't even sure why the tears were falling.  I was thinking that things could be SO much worse.  Tears were falling and I still felt really blessed.

I had scrolled through my Facebook page (because isn't that what people do when they can't sleep?) and saw something about a child with cancer.   I cannot begin to imagine what that kid and his parents are going through.  I know I can handle anything, but having a terminally ill kid might just do me in.  Then, this morning, I saw a video of a soldier's coffin being transported and the ceremony that takes place during the transport.  I saw that and thought that some family lost their mom/dad; siblings lost a brother/sister; and parents lost a child.  I also felt patriotic watching and impressed how hundreds of strangers stood quietly observing this stranger hero.  There is a lot of pain in this world that warrants agony and tears.  These images put my little journey into perspective.

So, as I write this, I think I know what the tears were about.  While my head, and my heart to some extent, knows that everything will be okay, my heart is scared.  Scared of what?  I'm not sure…  I know I can handle a positive result.  I know my family will do whatever it needs to do to ensure I can 'fix' whatever is wrong.  I know my marriage is solid and will only grow stronger.  I know I have the sweetest kid sleeping in the next room.  Life is f'n great good.  Actually it is WAY better than good.
I've been trying to prepare myself for a positive BRCA result, but still catch myself fantasizing about a BRCA negative result.  It's a blessing that my twin sister was tested, which prompted me to get tested.  But, its also made this process harder that I don't have the luxury to fall back on the safety of the numbers.  My sister got the comfort of knowing that only one in 500 test positive for this mutation (of course, then she got blindsided with the BRCA+ results).  I carry the weight of knowing my twin sister has the mutation, so I don't get the weeks of waiting with 'odds on my side.'  Odds are not on my side.  But, God is.  And family is.  And really, that's all that matters.

Gotta go… That's my sweet sister calling to check on me.  She's dealing with her own shitstorm journey, yet still takes the time to check in on me.  Told you, everybody deserves a Gill!

Day Nine. And still waiting...

Day nine and still waiting…

A few observations:

1. My mom is basically the only person who calls me.  Which normally is fine.  But since I'm waiting for 'the call' to find out my BRCA test results my heart skips a beat and I get paralyzed with fear for a few seconds every time my phone rings.  So, mom, if I'm a bit jumpy when I answer the phone, my apologies.
2. It would be great if you could track your 'sample' the same way you track the $7 t-shirt you order from Target.com.  I get it, these things take time.  But my mind starts to wonder and I'd love to see the hold-up the process.  Did my spit sample arrive at the lab?  Have they contacted my insurance about a prior authorization?  Is my DNA so spectacular that they are wanting to see what makes me so awesome?  Is there a back-up in the lab?  Was there a fire?  Oh goodness, what if there was a fire and I have to start this waiting thing all over?!  Did I warn you that at times my mind goes a bit crazy?  So if anyone has connections to Myriad labs, maybe ask them if they can spring for some sort of tracking system, just like our failing post office system offers.
3. I'm tired of carrying my phone with me everywhere.  Which is silly, because I usually always have my phone with me, anyway.  But, I'm not usually waiting for a phone call.  Normally my phone is for my convenience.  I answer it if I want to and ignore it if I want to…  It's like I'm a bit of a slave to my phone this week.
4. At 5:00 pm, I am a bit let down that today wasn't the day I got the call and a bit relieved that for the next 12 hours I don't have to worry about missing a call.