One Step Forward, One Step Forward

Today I woke up feeling reasonably well. Had some coffee, made the bed, put on clean clothes (opposed to staying in my pajamas), and brushed my teeth.  Then, I cooked Mase breakfast, had some more coffee and got in a couple of really productive work hours.  This afternoon Mase and I went downstairs, set up a tent and played camp out for over an hour.  I also was able to suffer through manage 5 minutes on the elliptical (don't judge, I've got to start some where).  I was also able to make a quick trip to the grocery store and cook a real dinner for my family.  As I cleaned the kitchen, I had a real conversation with my husband.

All these things are probably things most of you do effortless everyday, but for me, doing each one of these things was a big deal... Let alone all in the same day.  As I was reflecting on my day, it dawned on me why today felt so great: I'm moving forward. Finally.  Physically, I'm not any better than I usually am a week after treatment, but mentally I am miles ahead where I've been the past 4 months.  I had a quick little cry tonight (happy tears) when I realized that today almost felt like one of the old days.  One of the pre-BRCA, pre-cancer days.  It was awesome! 

It's so hard to move a step forward when you know a step or two back will follow it.  It was so hard to enjoy the good times, because no matter how good they seemed, I knew another chemo treatment was just around the corner.  I'd love to pretend I was some strong fighter who kept my chin up and pushed through even though it was one step forward two steps back, but I wasn't.  I was simply surviving.  Riding the tide and holding on for dear life, because that's all I could do.  But, today in the first time in a long time I felt like I was LIVING. One step forward. One step forward.