Abundantly Blessed

For the most part, it's been a good week.  I'm finally getting over a cold, which I likely got while my immune system was down.  Thankful I am starting to feel better and also that I am hopeful I will be well for my next treatment, which will be this coming Thursday.  

Ugh!  I have a love/hate relationship with my treatments.  I dread it.  I've found my good days getting clouded by the dread of knowing what's to come.  I know next weekend I will be very sick, very achy and not able to do much of anything.  I know my only goal next Saturday, Sunday and Monday will be to make it through the day.  It almost seems sinful to waste a good day, such as today, with worrying about the future.  But, the worry manages to creep in.  

I also love the fact that after my next treatment, I will be 1/3 the way through.  And by New Year's I will be half way finished with my sentence treatment.  I'm hoping to have a cute, spunky hair style by summer.  I can do this!  It's just a season, right?  Come to think of it, New Year's day I will likely feel the same way some of you may feel on New Year's Day.  Hungover.  I guess I can take comfort in knowing my chemo hangover isn't of my own doing.  

Okay, back to being abundantly blessed.  I've been working on Christmas cards, and as I write each one, I am reminded of why I am abundantly blessed.  It isn't at all the things around me, it is the people around me.  It's my boss and department I work for that has been beyond supportive of me.  It's my friend Joni in Marshfield who watches Mase when I have appointments and showers him with love.  It's my friends Sam and Tara who I haven't seen in nearly a year and continue to text me at those times I need the support.  Their texts of encouragement always seem to come just when I need it.  Or my best friend from high school Sarah, who always makes me smile and we can pick up a conversation so easily just like we did in high school.  Or my mom and dad, who have been beyond supportive of me ~ not just with this cancer ordeal, but my entire life, whether I deserved their support or not.  And my sister.  Especially my sister.  Today she told me "it's okay to tell me when you have bad days.  You don't need to protect me from those.  I want to be there for you."  She said she can tell when I have a bad day because I won't answer my phone.  She's right.  She knows me all too well.  I miss her something awful!  

And then there is my little family.  I look at Mase and I just want to cry ~ but in a good way.  I love the little guy he is becoming.  He has a heart of gold!  I am so thankful that he's not old enough to be embarrassed of me and my bald head.  That would break my heart.  Instead, he helps me pick out my hat and headscarves, and I almost always go with whatever he picks.  If only time would slow down.  That kid has my heart.  I love him so much that it makes my heart ache, again in a good way.  And then there is my husband.  Who continues to shave his head since I am losing my hair.  Who still wakes up in the middle of the night to ask me if I need anything.  Who loves me unconditionally.  And supports me and encourages me to be me...  I am humbled that I get to be married to such an amazing man and that Mason has such an awesome example of a man to look up to.  I love both of them so much it's quite frankly hard to even put into words...  

Even though I have this cancer thing going on, I still feel like the absolute luckiest girl in the world. 

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

This week I have ventured out a few times.  Sometimes I'll wear a hat, sometimes I've rocked the bald, and sometimes I have worn a head scarf.  I thought I was strong enough to rock the bald, but now I am not so sure. Maybe it's all in my head, but I've noticed people look at me differently than they did when I had hair.  Men will glance at me and quickly dart their eyes away.  Women often look at me and give me the ever so polite head tilt and a slight smile, as if to take pity on me.  Children stare and sometimes whisper to their parent about the lady with a bald head.  I can't say I blame them.  I'm sure I would have done the exact same thing when I was a child. Kids are curious and I love that!

I especially felt self conscious as I was trolling through Target and saw a group of women close to my age laughing it up and flipping their long, blond, straight hair all around.  It made me sad and self conscious.  I once was confidence in my appearance and that just simply isn't the case anymore.  And perhaps there is a lesson in all of that, that appearance isn't everything, but let's be honest: it's something.  

I'm very open about my cancer.  I blog about it and post my ramblings on Facebook.  The thing about losing your hair, you can't hide it.  It feels so vulnerable.  And even though I am an over-sharer, I would like to have the option of when I share and what I share.  Looking at me, a stranger could probably not even tell I had a mastectomy.  My breasts will soon get pumped full of saline as I go in for my expansions.  But my hair, or lack of, is one of the first things people notice and it isn't near as easy to hide.  I feel like I have a 'cancer' bumper sticker on my big, bare forehead.  Some days, I'm okay with that, but some days I just want to blend in.  So, while I can put up a brave, happy-go-lucky face on my blog, going out in public is a lot more difficult for me now.  I'm constantly looking around judging peoples reactions.  I totally acknowledge it's very ego-centric and reminiscent of junior high school.    

I do have my sassy red wig.  But to be honest, when I put it on I feel like a giant faker.  And it's itchy.  And I would constantly worry if it is on my head right.  It's not the real me, and I pride myself on being real and authentic.  The other three options of hat, head scarf, or bald just make me look like a cancer patient.  And, I suppose that is okay because I am a cancer patient.  But even this over-sharer wishes I had a bit more control over my over-shearing get it, share - shear?! HA!.

Yesterday, on Thanksgiving, my hair officially started to fall out.  I would take a little pinch of my short, dark hair and like 20 little hairs would come out.  Richard shaved my head even shorter, in hopes of lessening the patchy baldness.  Even though he acted like it was no big deal, I can't imagine that was much fun for him.  Even though I shaved my head nearly two weeks ago, it's still a shock to me.  Just makes it all so real.  Honestly, on one hand I'm glad it started falling out.  I've been dreading it.  And, in my small little mind, it shows me that the chemo is working.  If it is destroying my hair growth, perhaps it is also destroying any rogue cancer cells in my body.

It's just hair.  It was hair today and will be gone tomorrow.  But, it will grow back.  Small price to pay for reducing my cancer reoccurrence rate, I suppose.  

Giving Thanks

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving.  To think about what a tough month it has been you would think it would be difficult to find thankfulness in my cancer diagnosis.  No, I'm not thankful for cancer.  But, I am thankful for some of the things my cancer diagnosis has shown me:

1. My husband will love and support me through thick and thin.  He has been A-MAZ-ING though out all the surgeries and treatments.  He's never gotten upset me with me and has been 100% supportive every step of the way.  I know it hasn't been easy on him.  It's got to be tough to see your wife go through the things I've been through, all while holding down 'the fort' and working.  He knows when to make me laugh, and when to allow me to cry.  So grateful for him!
2. My family pulls together.  As we all get older and start our own families, it's easy to get busy and not make time for each other.  I'm perhaps guilty of this more than anyone.  But, it's been awesome to see my family pull together to support me thought this journey.  
3. My in-laws are the bomb!  Again, so supportive of our little Moss family as we battle this thing together.  
4. My friends are top notch.  Confirmation that God puts us where we are supposed to be.  A year ago, we had just moved to Lake Ozark and barely knew anyone.  In fact, we were devastated we were moving away from every thing and every one we were familiar with.  You can read about that story here in the post "Where's Our Faith?".  No doubt God knew what we would need - and as always He provided.  Our friends have carried us through the past several months through support and encouragement.  It's humbling.  I don't deserve the caliber of friends I have, but I'll take it!  Love you ladies more than I will ever be able to tell or show you!
5. Life is precious.  Do not take tomorrow for granted.  I'm lucky enough that my cancer is treatable.  Not everyone is so fortunate.  Each day really is a gift.  I know it sounds cliche, but it's the truth.
6. Humor and faith are the best medicine.  Speaking of medicine, modern medicine is pretty fascinating/mind-blowing, too.  

Wishing everyone a great Thanksgiving!  I know we will spend it being thankful and celebrating life! Be blessed everyone!  

Pink is the New Black

Okay, I just feel the need to warn you that this post may contain a bit of over-sharing.  But, lucky for you I am drawing the line at showing disgusting pictures of myself for now, because trust me, I have them.  I've always been an over-sharer.  I don't typically get embarrassed easily and I wouldn't consider myself very modest.  What little modesty I did have totally went out the window after 3 beers with the whole breast cancer thing.

You probably think "Pink is the New Black" is about all the pink breast cancer goodies I have gotten along the way.  While I am incredibly appreciative of those gifts, you'd be wrong.  Today we are going talk about...  Ready for this?  Nipples.  Go ahead and say it.  Nipples.  Did you smile?  It's okay, it's one of Mason's favorite words, too.

I've probably shown my boobs more legitimate times in the past 3 months than I did during my 4 years of college.  I'm flat out (flat, get it?) completely comfortable with doctors or really anyone else looking and touching my breasts now.  Not only have I been desensitized to their exposure socially and mentally, but since they are nearly completely numb I don't even have the physical sensation that I am being exposed.  For example, the other day I was eating a cookie my friend Brooke brought over and I look down and notice a big piece had fallen on my boob.  My first thought was "Yay, more cookie for me!" but my second thought was that it was strange to find a piece of cookie there and have been clueless.  How long had it been there?  Could anyone else see it?  So, I ate my new found treasure and went on my way...

I had a nipple sparing mastectomy, meaning I got to keep my nipples.  Since my mastectomy was done with prophylactic intentions, I was willing to take the 1% risk increase of cancer to keep my nipples.  Once I received my breast cancer diagnosis, I asked my surgeon if he thought I should have my nipples removed during future surgery and he said it wasn't at all medically necessary.  For women who do choose to keep their nipples, I believe they actually take a small shaving of the internal nipple tissue during the mastectomy to test for any gnarly cells just to be safe.  For women who do have their nipples taken during the mastectomy, there are several reconstruction options: they can actually grow a nipple, like Frankenstein of something, or women often opt for tattoo options of either a realistic looking nipple, or something artistic like tassels.

Okay, I'll get to the over-sharing part because I know that is the only reason you have spent the last 2 minutes reading about nipples:  Today I noticed my nipples were completely pink again, opposed to the black they had been for the past 6 weeks.  It was scary.  Remember the story where they scared Mason?  If not you can read it by clicking here.  Basically, your nipples (not mine anymore) have a rich supply of blood and nerves fed to them, that is why they are so sensitive.  So much tissue is removed during the mastectomy that it really reduces the blood supply to your nipples and necrosis (when you skin dies) often occurs.  It didn't hurt, it just turned into basically a giant scab.  Well, recently the scab has fallen off to reveal beautiful, pink nipples!  This bit of normalcy was very welcome after a month that has been anything but normal.

Hot Mess

You know my pretty, positive, uplifting posts?  Warning: This isn't one of them.  And that's okay.  I started this blog as a way to document my journey and to share with others in hopes that someone else would find comfort in my sharing of this BRCA stuff.  When I started it, little did I know the gigantic turns my story would take.  But, my dream for this little project is that someone finds my story and can relate to my journey.  I hope when they find BRCA and Blessings they can find a lot of truth and a little humor.  So, I've said before, I'm committed to sharing it all, no matter how ugly.

Today, boys and girls, we are going to discuss chemo's side effects.  Again, I don't share this post to seek sympathy, but in hopes of giving someone the real deal on my experience.  I'm not going to sugar coat it, but I'm also not going to make it sound worse than it is.  I have cancer, I'm not dying (oddly I feel confident saying that statement, at least for now).  

Day 0:  We'll say this is the day before my infusion.  On this day, I'm prescribed a steroid to take twice a day.  A good patient would know why they are taking what medicines, but I am taking so many, quite honestly I can't keep all their specifics straight (I do have the days and dose down, so I'm not a total idiot).  I want to say the steroid is used to help my body not reject the chemo drugs I get during my infusion, a sort of primer perhaps.  The side effects of the steroids are an increased appetite and perhaps a boost of energy.  I definitely had an increased appetite, but I'm not sure if that was legit or more of a psychosomatic effect.  I mean, when someone tells you you will be hungry, maybe we allow ourselves 'permission' to behave in that way.  

Day 1:  Infusion day.  If you missed my post on infusion day, click here.  Physically, infusion day is no biggie, just a few needle pokes for blood work, a Pulp Fiction sized needle poke to access my port and a lot of sitting around.  Along with trips to the bathroom because of all the fluids you receive during treatment.  The chemo drugs I am taking are called Taxotere, Carboplatin and Herceptin.  I don't know the doses of these drugs but I believe they are based off of my weight.  I asked the nurse where on the chemo tier my drugs fell and she said I was receiving a moderate chemo, as far as side effects go.  

Also, during the infusion you are given several other drugs through your port, all aimed at helping your body not reject the chemotherapy.  Benadryl was one, but I believe I also got some additional steroids, some fluid, and a shot of something else.  Interesting fact: one drug I took at the beginning of my infusion I could instantly taste in my mouth.  Sort of reminded me of the time in high school I took a shot of Everclear (shout out to my high school buddy Sarah and my sister)!  Gosh, you only do that once, although it appears I will be doing that 5 more times as I finish up my 6 cycles of chemo.  

Day 2:  You'd think I'd feel yucky on day 2, but you'd be wrong.  Day 2 was a good day.  I guess chemo is a slow poison, so it takes awhile to get to work.  My nurse practitioner explained it to me like this: chemo is an avalanche.  It wipes everything out that is in it's way.  It wipes out the aggressive cancer cells that could be floating around, and it also wipes out any other fast growing cells in your body, hence the hair loss, digestive changes, and some of the other chemo side effects.  Chemo affects all fast growing cells, but it isn't exactly able to target just the bad cells.  It basically busts up the entire party, instead of just removing the few obnoxious drunks.  

On day two, I have to go back to the hospital exactly 24 hours after my infusion to receive a shot called Neulasta.  This shot basically goes in and revives any survivors of the avalanche.  The nurse who gave me the shot mentioned something about it stirs up something in your bone marrow (which means extreme body aches starting Day 3) and helps you produce the white blood cells you lost from your infusion.  I also continue to take steroids on day 2, along with anti nausea medicine, a Claritan (I forget why) and start taking an Aleve every 8 hours.  Really, there are no side effects present on Day 2.  

Day 3:  Just when you think you may come out of the treatment unscathed, Day 3 in the afternoon is when I notice I'm starting to feel a little off.  The aches start to set in.  I really didn't have a lot of nausea at this point, at least nothing like they show in the movies, but I am encouraged to take the 2 different nausea medicines they give me prophylactically.  I also continue to take Aleve every 8 hours (or more honestly every 6 hours because those whole warning labels on those packages are really just suggestions, right?  Remember, this blog isn't about what you should do, I'm just telling you what I do).  Another side effect I remembered on Day 3 is this is when the extreme night sweats started.  We are talking I wake up and my pillow is wet, my pajamas are wet and the bed is wet.  I had chills, but I'm not sure if those were legitimately the chills or if I was cold because I was sweating so much.  I'm writing this post at 4:17am on Day 8 and I have gotten up at 3:30am every morning since Day 3.  So I'm not sure how, but chemo definitely affects your sleep pattern as well.  

Day 4:  BOOM!  This is the chemo day you see in the movies.  I had just slight nausea but the body aches are in full force.  And we are talking an body ache like I've never experienced before.  Everything hurts.  If I had hair, I know that would have even hurt.  This day is when I truly felt like a Survivor, this chemo bitch is serious!  I know they say Survivor referring to cancer, but I also think that term is very appropriate for Day 4 of chemo.  On this day, I took a total of 4 naps all between the time I woke up and the time I went to bed at 7 pm.  The level of exhaustion is indescribable.  I was too tired to watch tv or check Facebook.  I literally just laid in a dark room with my head under the covers all day.  The night sweats/chills continue.  

Day 5:  For me, I started to see some progress the afternoon of Day 5.  I didn't feel great by any means, but I didn't feel like I wasn't going to make it.  I still had night sweats/chills but they seem to be getting less frequent and less intense.  The body aches are still present, but easing up a bit.  The exhaustion level is still extremely high, but not to the debilitating point it was on Day 4.  On day 5 I experienced a bit more nausea than before, but perhaps I got a little over confident and eased up on the nausea meds thinking I was out of the woods.  Won't make that mistake again.  

Day 6:  Day 6 is again a day of improving.  In fact, I felt well enough to do a little shopping with mom and pick Mason up from preschool.  I did have some stomach cramping and some slight diarrhea on this day, but perhaps it was due to the poop cocktail (Miralax and apple juice) I had the day before.  I didn't feel constipated, but I went several days without dropping the kids off at the pool, so I wanted to make sure I didn't get constipated.  I do know one of the side effects of one type of chemo is diarrhea and another chemo has a side effect of constipation.  So, I'm not sure what caused this little hiccup.  

I also developed a canker sore in my mouth and thrush.  I know, I'm a hot mess!  Thrush is basically a yeast infection in your mouth.  Thrush and mouth sores are a very common side effect.  Our mouths are dirty and eating can create a bit of trauma in your mouth.  Most people can get a minor scrape in their mouth and your body automatically fights any minute infection that develops (aren't our bodies amazing?!).  My body cannot battle infection right now, which is why there is an overgrowth of yeast and mouth sores.  I've been trying to do a baking soda/salt mouth rinse a few times a day to help avoid these symptoms, but obviously I wasn't doing it enough.  I've since started another medication to help with the thrush.  

Day 7:  Aside from the thrush, some very mild nausea and just a bit of tiredness, I certainly feel like I'm on the mend and experienced the worst part of the chemo cycle.  I'd say I am running on 80% and considering where I came from, that is truly a gift!  I did have a random nose bleed today, but luckily it was stopped within 3 minutes and didn't hurt at all.  Chemo dries up your mucus membranes and dries your skin out terribly bad, so I think that was the reason for the nose bleed.  

Okay, enough of class for today.  Wishing that everyone who reads this blog lives today to the fullest.  Be grateful for your health.  Take advantage of being healthy enough to play with your kids or love on your spouse.  

  

Bald Bruci

Travis and Dr. Natalie Bruce.  We love you guys!

This is a picture of our friends Natalie and Travis Bruce (who we affectionately call the Bruci).  I met Natalie about 8 years ago when we both worked at Missouri Southern State University.  We've packed in a lot of amazing/life changing conversations over the years... Usually over a walk, mint Oreos or a chili cheese dog or three: my divorce, my meeting Richard, her adjusting to marriage, my marriage, relocations, pregnancies, births, her father passing away, postpartum depression, Lowe's stuff, more relocations, God talks, dirty jokes, Natalie earning her doctorate, another pregnancy (they are expecting another Baby Bruci in late winter), and now my cancer journey.

The thing about the Bruci, they are there no matter what.  I remember we had a big snow years ago and Richard was away on a business trip.  I heard some weird noise outside of my house at night and I look out the window and see Travis shoveling my drive at 9pm because he knew there was no way I would be able to move my car without the snow removal.  I can count several occasions when I would call Natalie with an emergency (like a chili cheese dog craving) and all of a sudden she would show up at my door willing to help.  These are solid people!

Well, when I shared the start of this journey with Natalie, she responded exactly how I knew she would: with compassion and humor (and I'm pretty sure she brought over mint Oreos).  She wasn't afraid to ask me questions and was completely supportive of my decisions.  When I found the lump in my breast, she was the first person I called over to come feel it, because I knew she would tell me if I were crazy... And I knew I could ask her to feel my boob and she wouldn't think twice about it.  When I called to tell her of the cancer diagnosis, I could hear that her breath was taken away.  She's the type of friend that hurts when you hurt.  She also casually said that if I had to shave my head, she would too.  I didn't think much of it initially, as we were very hopeful that other treatment options would be used other than chemo.  

Fast forward to last Saturday when I suddenly decided to go through with getting my head shaved.  Richard had thought about shaving his head and drove to the salon to surprise me.  I walk in the salon and after I see Richard, I look over and see Travis sitting in Stepheny's chair with a big grin on his face and a big shine on his head.  Now, I know my hair will grow back... Travis, I hope for your sake, your hair grows back, too.

I gave Natalie an 'out' as I know she casually said that she would shave her head weeks ago.  I didn't expect her to follow through, I mean who would actually shave their head for a friend?  Actually, come to think of it, I absolutely expected her to follow through with that promise, because that is who Natalie is.  She puts people first.  Always.  I'm not sure I have ever met a more compassionate person ~ and if you follow my blog, you know that my life is bursting at the seams with compassionate people.  

It's been a crazy eight years Bruci!  Looking forward to many, many more!  In the future, let's hope the only bald heads we see is Baby Bruci's... And maybe Travis's if his hair doesn't grow back!  

The Cut: Take Two. Rockin' the Bald

After chemo on Thursday and a follow-up shot on Friday, I knew my good hair days were numbered.  Generally, they tell you that your hair will start to come out in massive clumps between days 10-14.  I was feeling strong and felt ready to take the plunge.  So, I called up my good friend Brittany and made an appointment to get my head shaved on Saturday afternoon.

Some women choose to let their hair fall out on their own.  But, I'm a bit of a control freak, so that just isn't my style.  I've read that it can be quite traumatic to see clumps of hair on your pillow, in the shower, or on your hair brush.  I've heard from a few Survivors that your hair falling out actually hurts; that your head gets extremely sensitive.  And, I wanted to do the deed on my terms, when I felt strong and with Mason present so he could see mommy was just getting a silly new hair cut.

Richard agreed to meet Mason, my mom, and I at Head Case hair salon.  To my surprise, he walked out and greeted me with a big, bald head!  He knew I would need the support and didn't want me to have to go at it alone, so he showed up a bit early and had Brittany shave his head before I got there.  I was so touched... And come to think of it, I should have seen it coming.  Richard and I always call our little family of three Team Moss.  One team, one dream!  That's just who he is: we're in this together, no matter what!  The good, the bad and the ugly (I still haven't figured out which of those three categories Richard's bald head fits into yet).

I walked into the salon, gave Brittany a big hug and started to make my way over to her chair.  There wasn't a lot of time to second guess things ~ I was ready to do this!  I felt really strong, up until I looked over at my mom and saw big tears welling up in her eyes.  I'm not sure what she was thinking: perhaps pride that I was handling this so strongly; or perhaps she was just sad I was having to go through this.  Either way, I quickly wiped away my tears and made my way over Brittany's chair.  Brittany asked if I was ready and I gave her a simple nod.  On the outside I smiled my way through the shave.  On the inside, I was in shock that this was actually happening: I have cancer.  I have f#@$%&* cancer!  THIS is happening and it's happening right now!  Deep breath.  I shut my eyes and feel the clippers against my head.  It feels cool, as my scalp has never had so much room to breathe before.

I distract myself by talking to my mom, Richard and Mase.  Mase is dancing around the shop and thinks my hair looks silly.  Eventually, Brittany turns the chair and I catch a glimpse of my head in the mirror.  While it was a bit of a shock, I have to admit, it wasn't as bad as I expected.  I was still me, just with a shaved head.  Did I love it?  No, but I didn't hate it!  I looked at myself in the mirror and I remember telling myself "You can do this!"  I find myself saying that phrase to myself a lot these days...

I absolutely love Mase's face in this picture!  Sweet kid has taken all this in stride!
So blessed to be his mommy!  

My handsome little family.  

Rockin' the bald!  Thankful for a few other ladies I know who encouraged me to rock the bald.  Not sure I would have been able to do it on my own without the encouragement of a few bald beauties I know!