I Lied.

I lied.

In several past posts I've written about the blessings to come out of my breast cancer diagnosis.  I've included things such as appreciating my family and my great friends.  But, let's be honest, I had those long before cancer.  My friends aren't amazing because I have cancer.  Richard isn't any more awesome because I'm sick.  Cancer shouldn't get the credit for those blessings.  God gets credit.  Those people get credit.  Certainly some rogue, bastard cancer cells don't deserve the credit.

All cancer does is take.  And steal.  And abuse.  And ravage.

It takes away your ability to blissfully roll through life oblivious to curve balls.  We will always be aware that the risk of recurrence is there.

It steals away time.  The past 4 months has been a whirlwind.  We haven't been focused in the moment, we've been focused on fighting and surviving.

It abuses your body.  Scars.  Ports.  Chemo.  Steroids.  Hormones.  Hair loss.  Extremely dry skin.  Nausea and diarrhea.  Thrush.  My fingernails hurt.  I'm losing eyelashes.  Nosebleeds.  Weight gain.  Exhaustion.

It ravages your confidence.  I know that beauty comes from within.  But let's be honest, a girl likes to feel pretty.  I've lost my swagger.  I don't even have energy to walk with swagger anymore.  I used to get 'checked out' when I was out and about in public.  Now I get 'checked out' because I'm the girl that is either bald or wearing a hat while inside eating at a restaurant.

It detracts from your marriage.  Richard and I are fine and stronger than ever, but cancer has definitely taken some important things from our relationship.

It robs you of your money.  We're extremely blessed to have insurance, but even then cancer is very expensive.  For some, it wrecks everything they have worked hard for their entire life.

It suffocates: In the psychological sense that at times it almost feels like it's suffocating you and in the literal sense that I get winded simply walking to the mailbox or up from the basement.

It robs you of sleep.  The one thing that can give you a reprieve of having to think about cancer and survival... Yep, somehow it manages to take that away, too.  It's exhausting.

It makes you stupid.  It literally kills brain cells.  Chemo brain is a real thing.

It rapes you (please know I don't use that word lightly).  It takes what it wants and has zero regard.  You can't reason with it.  You can try fighting it, but even that doesn't always work.  It doesn't care who it hurts (and it hurts so many more people than just the one physically fighting) and will destroy everything in it's path.

So won't you all join me in giving cancer the big F YOU!  I'm mad.  I'm tired of being strong.  I'm just... well, I'm just tired.  Hate what you have taken from me.  I hate you.  I FUCKING HATE YOU. I'm pissed that I don't get a chance to kill you myself and see you die.  I have to take someone's word for it that you seemingly, passively left my body.  When all I really want is to see you suffer the way you have made me suffer.  Fucking coward. You came in quietly, essentially raped me, and now if you decide to leave, you will leave quietly too.  Not even strong enough to fight the way my family and I have had to fight you every minute since this started.  FUCK YOU.

*Tears of anger.*

Wow!  I feel much better now.  I needed that.

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross would be proud.