Sorry, Not Sorry

Oh my!  I just re-read my last blog entry.  I'm not sure I've ever been that angry at something in my life.  For the one person that came close: all I wanted for that girl was that she has bad teeth and bad acne, and frankly I don't even wish that on her anymore.  I'm not sure I've ever hated anything in my life.  Sorry... Not sorry.

I hope no one found my last post offensive.  I considered taking it down once I read it in a more relaxed head space.  I used some strong words.  But, the truth is I was feeling some very strong feelings.  I've decided to leave it up, because it was what I was feeling at the time.  Those feelings are part of my cancer journey, and the entire purpose of this blog is to document that journey ~ the good, the bad and the ugly.  Feelings can't hurt us (unless perhaps we keep them bottled up inside).

It's such a fine line to walk, this journey.  I certainly don't want to portray myself as being a victim.  I'm incredibly blessed.  Cancer is bad, but it's not the worst thing in the world.  I try to be positive, because that's who I usually am.  Let's be honest, it's happened and my having a bad attitude isn't going to change that.  Might as well be positive and make it as bearable on myself and others as possible.  But, I don't ever want to give others the wrong idea that it is just an 'inconvenience'.  It's much, much more than that.  It's totally okay to be angry.  And it's okay to laugh.  There are no rules. Just moments.  Some moments are just harder to get through than others.

Happy to report I am in a much better place today.  I feel better physically.  I feel better mentally.  I feel better spiritually.  Thanks for the prayers and words of encouragement, everyone!

Off to enjoy the day with my sweet kiddo.  Reminds me of a tear filled conversation Richard and I had last night:  Cancer is a family disease.  My family (Richard, Mase, The Gillispie's and the Snyder's) has battled cancer, not just me.  They've had to pick up the pieces.  They've had to watch someone they love hurt.  They have made tremendous sacrifices.  They have cried themselves to sleep.  They have worried themselves sick.  We know our family is capable of handling this, although we certainly wish they didn't have to.  Our heart especially break for our sweet Mason.  He's watched far too much tv and played way too many hours on the iPad because mom just didn't have the energy to get down and play with him.  He's had to miss out on sports opportunities because we just couldn't commit to attending practices and games.  We've been distracted, and much of that distraction has been at his expense.  We decided a family date, complete with a trip to Toys R Us is in order once this last chemo cycle is over.  Cannot wait to celebrate as a family!