We came up with a few rules on what to say and not say when you encounter someone dealing with a health crisis.
- Do be respectful of their decision to share. They are likely doing so because they either need support or because they are wanting to educate others. How is anyone supposed to get educated on a topic if no one talks about it.
- Don't suggest their genetic condition could change if they just would follow the XYZ Diet. Again, very well intended, but while I read a well meaning post, what my head was saying was "Hey, Fatty! It's your own damn fault." By the way Jill is not fat and has in fact worked her tail off to get healthy. She's probably in the best shape she's been in since... well, forever.
- Don't try to sell me something you make commission off of to make it better. Again, perhaps this was well meaning and I'm sure they intended to help. But, it wasn't really the time nor place. *I actually did have one friend who private messaged me and truly wanted to educate me on some oils. He acknowledged I may be skeptical and wanted to share his experience and skepticism with me. So the oils weren't really my thing, and while he wanted to share his research with me, not once did he try to sell me anything. His willingness to share his research was appreciated. And, his willingness not to sell me on anything was appreciated as well.
- Don't point out the 'positive' side of the facts. Again, well meaning, but not so well received. Yes, there is a 12% chance you won't develop cancer at all.
Yippee F'n Yay!If you want to play Russian Roulette with your cancer chances, by all means, go for it. For once, I think the Gillispie girls are going to play it safe. - When someone needs support, don't give them Bible verses to look up (unless of course we ask for those). The thing is, when you are dealing with a health issue, there's a bit of mourning that goes along with it. Adios ovaries, uterus and fallopian tubes. Sayonara beautiful/potentially deadly breast tissue (truth be told my sister and I both have fabulous breasts ~ until we found out they might be conspiring to take us out!). Ciao ability to have future children. You mourn these things and when you are sad/scared and needing support and someone sends you back Bible verses it's like they are saying "You're doing it wrong! You don't have any faith."
- PLEASE don't share how things could be worse. Yes, we know they can be worse. In fact, we spend much of the day telling ourselves they could be worse. We spend the other part of the day being scared about the future, but we have to quickly stuff those feelings because we are still moms, wives, and teachers and we don't have the option to curl up in a ball and take a nap (okay, I DO do that, but only when the hubs is home to take over). But, we don't want to hear it from you how lucky we are... Just say, "I love you" or "I'm here for you" or tell us a dirty joke to get our mind off of it. Believe it or not, Jill and I really feel like we are lucky to have this news. But when we are struggling with all of it, we don't want to be reminded of how
damnlucky we are to get our lady bits cut and pulled out through our hop-ha and that they are going to slice and dice our fabulous breasts to pieces. True, we weren't chased on top of a mountain by ISIS, but give us a break and realize that sometimes you don't have to fill the 'quiet space' with how it could be worse. Just acknowledge we are scared and it does sort of suck. - Do ask questions. We are completely okay talking about it. In fact, it feels good to educate others. We aren't shy
just ask anyone who was at all those track parties in college or hung out with Julie in 2007 through 2009. - We really don't want people to feel sorry for us. We do want support, but we don't want pity. We truly do feel lucky (just don't tell us that).
That's a fabulous list, Julie. It's not easy to make the decision to cut your boobies off, even when you have cancer. When you're doing it prophylactically, it's even harder. Harder yet to make orhers understand your decision. You and Jill are doing the right thing.
ReplyDeleteThanks Dyanne!
DeleteThanks, Dyanne! I'm sure you have a few you could add to this list!
ReplyDeleteIf anyone wants to hear stories from Julie's glory days, let me know. I'd be happy to share. :)
ReplyDeleteUm... Let's not. Ha!
ReplyDelete