Me: Hi Jessica, it's Julie Moss. Again. Sorry to bother you but you said to call back today, so... *Embarrassed that once again I am that patient*
Jessica: Hi Julie. Glad you called. Let me call the lab and see what I can find out.
Jessica calls back: Julie, the lab has processed your sample and are wanting to compare it with your sister's sample since you are twins. They wouldn't share the results over the phone, so if you don't hear from me by Friday mid-morning, please call back. Hang in there.
Me: Thanks for checking Jessica, I'll call back Friday. *Hangs up the phone with big tears welling up in my eyes.*What does that mean?! I don't know. Are they comparing results because I'm negative and Jill is positive? I mean either I have the mutation or I don't, right?! And then I remember, some people take the BRCA test and get an inconclusive result. Was that it? You would think my worse case scenario would be to get a BRCA+ result. Nope. I think an "inconclusive" result would be much worse. Then, you just have all the worry and anxiety without all the options or support.
I went through and read previous posts, and it seems like I was holding up okay. Today, I'm freaking exhausted of this whole thing. It is consuming my thoughts. I do try to control it, but it's difficult. Even controlling it takes a lot of energy. My family and friends have done a great job keeping me busy, inviting us over for playdates, etc (one even hosted a dinner party! Thanks MB!). But, it's still on my mind. Always. Anytime my phone is out of sight, I go into panic mode. The anticipation of the call is constantly there. I have tried praying when I feel anxious. Honestly, I'm tired of praying. I'm too tired to even find the words (lucky for me, He doesn't require words, he knows our heart).
I went through a tough struggle about 8 years ago and I remember believing that sleep was God's band-aid. Sleep was an escape. I'm not sleeping well. Can you worry in your sleep? The answer is YES! My forehead aches. Not a headache, like the muscles in my forehead hurt from the constant worried scowl
So, there's always a silver lining right? Here's my silver lining for today. Richard was laying down with Mason yesterday night and I'm in bed checking my email when this email pops up. It goes a little like this:
From: Richard
To: Julie, Jill
Subject: Howdy Sexy Ladies - Not Junk Mail :)
Ladies,See why I love him so much?! So, SO BLESSED! And tired.
I was reading some Facebook messages/comments from Jill's page where people were talking about the BRCA. They were wishing luck, prayers and wishing you didn't have the BRCA. If I spell things incorrectly or write poorly, just remember I failed college, barely passed high school and I make over {yadi-yada}k a year. So, miracles do happen. It's no accident that you two ended up exactly the way you are. To create two twins with breathtaking beauty, that extends inside and out as yours does is NO ACCIDENT. It's NO MISTAKE you're made just how you are. When God lined the two of you up in his factory He knew exactly what He was making. He was making a couple of beautiful twin girls that would CHANGE PEOPLES LIVES. For starters you have absolutely changed mine, Jack's, Jackson's and Mason's. You have both touched so many people across this globe that it's no mistake you were made exactly how you were. The mutant gene is no mistake. If it's part of God's plan that our families were blessed with the ability to learn about this gene early, He has truly blessed us AGAIN. He's put us in a place to build our game plan. I know it's scary and I know you both have a lot of anxiety. Just know that God built you and He did an amazing job. I know that this little test or curve in the road must have a purpose. It's not by mistake that it's our family. God doesn't give you more than you can handle and the two of you are VERY STRONG. I'm so proud to be married to you Julie and so proud to be your BIL Jill. You're amazing ladies and basically wanted you to know that God was inspired when he made you girls. He truly was and if that gene is a part of your DNA it doesn't change what magnificent creations you truly are. I know this is a challenge, but you're both up for it. You can absolutely handle it and you can absolutely dominate this shit! You're a remarkable pair and we are all so gosh darn lucky to have been selected to live life with you. I know things will work out. I know we will take care of this hiccup. I know you all can do it. Hold your heads high and push your shoulders back. Get that little hitch back in your swag and go kick the crap outta this BRCA stuff.
RM
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