Yesterday (Day 20) was a really good day. It was probably one of the most mentally sound days I've had since this whole thing started a month ago. I kept busy, which helped and I didn't really have high hopes of finding out any news.
At 4:45pm, I looked at the clock and thought to myself "well, today's not the day" and I was completely fine with that. Weird, right?!
Then, I get a call at 5:00 from Jessica at DHL's office. She said she has my results. I took a deep breath. She said that I did test positive for the mutation, just like my sister did. And that I should set up an appointment with DHL to go over options. It was a slight shock, but I knew this was a possibility and I frankly was just glad to know the wait was over. I quickly set up an appointment with DHL and wrapped up the phone call.
No tears came, still haven't. A friend of mine offered me some great advice a few weeks ago. She encouraged me to imagine the worse possible result and plan how I was going to react to it. Visualize what that looks like. So, over the past few weeks, I pictured myself getting the call and planning my reaction. I didn't have to freak out. In fact, keeping calm was good, as that way I could understand what the nurse or doctor was saying and so I wouldn't freak out Mason. Kids are very sensitive to our reactions. In fact, a few days ago I had a freak out moment where I was crying and upset and it really did scare him. Luckily, Richard was home to assure Mase that mommy was okay. But, I saw the fear on his face seeing me upset like that. How scary it must be for a kid to see their parent's scared and upset.
Mason was acting like someone put RedBull in his juice cup, so I went right into Mom mode. I think that distraction really helped. In between putting his bike helmet on and playing catch, I called my husband, my sister and my mom. I shared my results, but kept the conversations really brief. There wasn't a lot to say... and frankly I was exhausted thinking about it, because it's all I've thought about for a month!
I still haven't broken down over the news. I do feel relieved to have an answer and when I'm ready to make a plan, I have the information to go forward. I am still mentally exhausted, so maybe my mind doesn't have the 'energy' to have a meltdown. And, I'm also mindful that while this is inconvenient, it's not a crisis. And, I'm very thankful that the dreaded 'inconclusive' result didn't happen. So, I oddly, feel very content right now. Much more content than I have in the past month.
I have a few appointments coming up, but I'm going to try not to dwell on those (at least until 48 hours before the appointment). Honestly, I'm BRCA'd out. To all you who have read, prayed and listened, THANK YOU! I am SO BLESSED to have such amazing people around me. I'll continue to update the blog, as it is really helpful for me to write it out, and then shut my computer and leave it all there. I get to vomit it all out... then move on with my day. And, since I start working again next week, I have plenty to keep me busy.
I'm taking each day as it comes. But as for yesterday and today, they are still good days, so I'm going with that (as Richard would say "Ride her 'til she bucks you")! I'm sure you will hear from me when it's a bad day, and that's okay, but I'm not there yet, so there is no reason to 'throw' myself in tizzy.
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