My First Mammogram

Okay, since everyone is posting "first day of school" pictures, I thought I would share a bit about one my firsts (don't worry, I'll spare you the picture).  Today, I had a mammogram.  Ladies, let me be the first to tell you, they aren't nearly as bad as everyone says they are!  Maybe the 'old school' mammograms were rough, but this wasn't bad at all.  Yes, a little pressure, but nothing you wouldn't get with a good romp in the hay ;).

I checked into the imaging center, and after a bit of paperwork, they sent me to wait in the waiting room.  Get this ~ they had free snacks and soda!  Okay, it was 9:00 in the morning, so I refrained, but goodness, what a nice touch!

After just a short wait, a nice nurse named Tracey called my name... 5 minutes ahead of my scheduled appointment time!  So, not only do they offer snacks, my appointment was on time if only the airlines would take note of all of this!  Tracey walked me back to a small dressing room where she asked me if I had put on deodorant.  I remember when I called for the appointment, they said not to wear lotions or deodorant the day of my mammogram, so like a good little patient I followed directions.  Good thing they warned me because this has literally been the hottest week of the year.  Thankfully my appointment was in the morning, so there wasn't too much time to get all sweaty.  Apparently deodorant contains little flecks of minerals or metal that can make reading your results more difficult.  I was told to take off my bra and top and they gave me a little cape to wear.

Tracey then led me into another room where the mammogram would take place.  I really hadn't been too nervous up to that point, but walking into that room definitely made my heart jump.  It wasn't the machine or the procedure that made me nervous.  It was knowing that thousands of women walk into that room and that is the first page of their nightmare.  I feel healthy and strong, but I wonder if those women felt the same way before they got the news.  There I go again, "going all Canote."  Another reminder that the BRCA+ thing is a blessing ~ a warning to be vigilant and proactive.

Anyway, Tracey manhandled directed me and my breasts into different positions and my mammogram was finished in about 10 minutes time.  She was very friendly throughout the entire thing and made me feel surprisingly comfortable as I was standing there half naked.  Oh, and she had warm hands.  Big plus, there!

Once I was finished, she said that results are typically read that day and my doctor would notify me if I needed to return for additional images.  She also said since this was my first mammogram that it's not uncommon to get called back in for additional images.  She said if that's the case, don't go into panic mode yet, it happens often (Clearly she didn't know who she was talking to!  Of course I will go into a panic.  That's just how I roll.).

After the mammogram was over, I went back into my dressing room, used some complimentary spray on deodorant and off I went.  Total appointment was less than 20 minutes.

Ladies ~ don't put this off!  It's not a big deal at all.  Afterwards, treat yourself to a Starbucks and consider it just part of 'me' time.

Shitty Sister of the Year Award Goes to Me!

Today is our birthday.  And, I made my sister cry.  So, the Shitty Sister of the Year award goes to me!  She assures me that it really wasn't anything I did, but it still is hard to see my Gill struggling.  But, truth be told a beer commercial would make her cry right now.  I've not been there yet, but I remember after having Mase, I had a few weeks like that.  It was tough.  I remember feeling so blessed and yet felt like I was constantly crying.  It was miserable.  I know she will fight through it..  Just wish she didn't have to.

Seriously, Jill is doing okay.  She knows people are praying for her and she appreciates those prayers so much.  When I call her to check in, she puts up a strong front, but I can tell that while the physical recovery seems to be much easier than she expected, the emotional roller coaster is tough.  She did say Jack brought home a box of cupcakes and a mango tea from Sonic and that made her feel better ~ that's the Gill I know and love!

Jill's Surgery Update

Thanks to everyone who said prayers and sent words of encouragement to Gill.  She anxiously reported for surgery around 5:30 this morning, surgery started around 7:00 am and wrapped up close to 8:00 am.  DHL reported that things went well and that he expects a typical, normal recovery for a hysterectomy.  I spoke with her a bit ago and she seemed to be in good spirits and not in a ton pain.  She was quite proud of herself for going pee on her own.  That Jill, always setting the bar high for herself.  Like when we were little I remember her career goals were to be a "Sandwich Artist" from Subway.  Aim high, Jill!

Jack, Jill's husband yes, their names are Jack and Jill, sent me this picture of Gill right before surgery.  My first thought was how beautiful she looked (seriously, who can rock a hair net like that?!).  Then, the worry started to set in and the tears started to flow.  You see, I know that look on her face.  You may see a pretty smile, but that's her "I'm going to smile because I'm fighting back the tears look."  Most of you may not be familiar with that look from Jill because she is so strong.  But, I know that look.  Goodness I love her!  

Jill before surgery... and likely after they gave her some medicine to calm her down.

Throw Up some Prayers/Thoughts/Good Vibes Please!

Just wanted to ask anyone reading this to say a prayer, send a good vibe, send good thoughts, or whatever you do out to Jill!  She has her hysterectomy surgery in the morning and is feeling quite anxious right now.

1. I wish her luck
2. I'm glad she's going first and not me :)
3. Love you sis! 

She's promised to take notes and to keep me posted so I could be well prepared for my surgery.  For most, taking notes while hung-over would be an issue, but lucky for me, Jill already practiced that a lot in college.   

As for me, I have scheduled my surgery date for mid-September.  It's still a few weeks away, so I'm not going to allow myself to worry just yet.  I also scheduled a mammogram for early September.  I am a bit worried about that, but was able to console my worry with an egg McMuffin and some new jeans.  How's that for coping?!  

A List of BRCA Do's and Don'ts

So, a few weeks ago, my sister came out of the BRCA closet on Facebook.  For the most part she had tons of supportive friends.  In fact, everyone was likely intending to be supportive, some just had their own ways of showing it.

We came up with a few rules on what to say and not say when you encounter someone dealing with a health crisis.

1. Do be respectful of their decision to share.  They are likely doing so because they either need support or because they are wanting to educate others.  How is anyone supposed to get educated on a topic if no one talks about it.  
2. Don't suggest their genetic condition could change if they just would follow the XYZ Diet.  Again, very well intended, but while I read a well meaning post, what my head was saying was "Hey, Fatty! It's your own damn fault."  By the way Jill is not fat and has in fact worked her tail off to get healthy. She's probably in the best shape she's been in since... well, forever.  
3. Don't try to sell me something you make commission off of to make it better.  Again, perhaps this was well meaning and I'm sure they intended to help.  But, it wasn't really the time nor place.  *I actually did have one friend who private messaged me and truly wanted to educate me on some oils.  He acknowledged I may be skeptical and wanted to share his experience and skepticism with me.  So the oils weren't really my thing, and while he wanted to share his research with me, not once did he try to sell me anything.  His willingness to share his research was appreciated.  And, his willingness not to sell me on anything was appreciated as well. 
4. Don't point out the 'positive' side of the facts.  Again, well meaning, but not so well received.  Yes, there is a 12% chance you won't develop cancer at all.  Yippee F'n Yay!  If you want to play Russian Roulette with your cancer chances, by all means, go for it.  For once, I think the Gillispie girls are going to play it safe.  
5. When someone needs support, don't give them Bible verses to look up (unless of course we ask for those).  The thing is, when you are dealing with a health issue, there's a bit of mourning that goes along with it.  Adios ovaries, uterus and fallopian tubes.  Sayonara beautiful/potentially deadly breast tissue (truth be told my sister and I both have fabulous breasts ~ until we found out they might be conspiring to take us out!).  Ciao ability to have future children.  You mourn these things and when you are sad/scared and needing support and someone sends you back Bible verses it's like they are saying "You're doing it wrong!  You don't have any faith."  
6. PLEASE don't share how things could be worse.  Yes, we know they can be worse.  In fact, we spend much of the day telling ourselves they could be worse.  We spend the other part of the day being scared about the future, but we have to quickly stuff those feelings because we are still moms, wives, and teachers and we don't have the option to curl up in a ball and take a nap (okay, I DO do that, but only when the hubs is home to take over).  But, we don't want to hear it from you how lucky we are...  Just say, "I love you" or "I'm here for you" or tell us a dirty joke to get our mind off of it.  Believe it or not, Jill and I really feel like we are lucky to have this news.  But when we are struggling with all of it, we don't want to be reminded of how damn lucky we are to get our lady bits cut and pulled out through our hop-ha and that they are going to slice and dice our fabulous breasts to pieces.  True, we weren't chased on top of a mountain by ISIS, but give us a break and realize that sometimes you don't have to fill the 'quiet space' with how it could be worse.  Just acknowledge we are scared and it does sort of suck.  
7. Do ask questions.  We are completely okay talking about it.  In fact, it feels good to educate others.  We aren't shy just ask anyone who was at all those track parties in college or hung out with Julie in 2007 through 2009.
8. We really don't want people to feel sorry for us.  We do want support, but we don't want pity.  We truly do feel lucky (just don't tell us that).  

Follow-Up Appointment

I must say, I've held up really well this past week.  I STILL haven't broken down about the news that I'm BRCA positive, and maybe I'm realizing it's nothing to break down about.  As Mom always says, "It is what it is... and will be what you make of it."  So, it is what it is.

On Thursday, I had a follow-up with DHL.  Have I mentioned how amazing he and his staff are?!  So, I was feeling all strong and all while Richard and I were waiting in the waiting area, but did get nervous after we had been called back to the exam room.  But, let's be honest, seeing that little table with the paper on it probably tends to make anyone a little nervous.  After a bit, Jessica-nurse-extraordinaire came in to check on us and gave me a folder with lots of BRCA+ statistics.  Then, a few minutes later, DHL came in.  He sat down, and could probably see the look of fear on my face, as the first question he asked was "Julie, how do you feel about being here today?"  My voice trembled and said I felt okay, but I was a little scared.  Richard reached over and grabbed my hand to comfort me, and I felt much better.

In his calming, soothing, confident way, DHL went over the numbers.

• Up to a 50% chance of breast cancer by 50, and 87% chance of breast cancer by age 70 (normal rates are around the 10-12% range)
• Up to 60% chance of ovarian cancer by age 70 (normal rates are .8-2%)

While I knew these stats, hearing him say them were sobering and scary.  We discussed options, which again I knew, but still scary to hear him say them.  The best chance for reducing cancer risk were a hysterectomy and double mastectomy.  

Now, I know some people reading this, might think it's a bit radical to follow through with these recommendations.  And, that's okay.  A post about what to say and not to say to someone BRCA+ soon to follow.  The thing is, my mother was 8 years old when her mother died of ovarian cancer.  Her mom was sick for years prior to that.  Ovarian cancer robbed my mom of her mom (granted she did gain my Grandma Canote as her fairy step-mother ~ she was an amazing lady).  My sister and I have determined we will not let that happen to our kids...  And, thanks to modern medicine, we don't have to take that risk.

Once we talked about my results, Richard left and DHL did a quick exam to make sure things were as they should be and that a laparoscopic hysterectomy would be appropriate.  Typically, he's quite gentle, although this time he seemed to be a little more aggressive thorough.  Of course, I might have been a little more scared/tense this time around too.  He said everything appeared to be normal, so yay for that!

We discussed a few dates for the hysterectomy, but nothing is set in stone yet.  I'll keep you posted.  Just know that in the next few weeks and months if I am a raging bitch a bit sensitive, then there is actually a medical reason for it.  Wondering how long I can use the "it's a medical condition" for an excuse...

After leaving DHL's office, we had to go to the lab for a quick blood test.  I believe it is called a CA-125 and is supposed to indicate risk for ovarian cancer.  DHL warned us this test isn't very accurate at all, but it was the best they had.  That's the scary thing about ovarian cancer, it isn't easily detectable and by the time it is detectable, it is often in the late stages.  I'm not overly concerned with these results, although perhaps I should be.

Update on Jill:  She is going in next week for her hysterectomy.  It will likely only require one night in the hospital and she should be back to mostly normal activities (no heavy lifting) in nearly a week. Just like most things in life, Jill is taking the plunge first, so she can fill me in on all the details.  She's always been the rebel out of two of us.  

The Waiting is Over... Sort of.

Yesterday (Day 20) was a really good day.  It was probably one of the most mentally sound days I've had since this whole thing started a month ago.  I kept busy, which helped and I didn't really have high hopes of finding out any news.

At 4:45pm, I looked at the clock and thought to myself "well, today's not the day" and I was completely fine with that.  Weird, right?!

Then, I get a call at 5:00 from Jessica at DHL's office.  She said she has my results.  I took a deep breath.  She said that I did test positive for the mutation, just like my sister did.  And that I should set up an appointment with DHL to go over options.  It was a slight shock, but I knew this was a possibility and I frankly was just glad to know the wait was over.  I quickly set up an appointment with DHL and wrapped up the phone call.

No tears came, still haven't.  A friend of mine offered me some great advice a few weeks ago.  She encouraged me to imagine the worse possible result and plan how I was going to react to it.  Visualize what that looks like.  So, over the past few weeks, I pictured myself getting the call and planning my reaction.  I didn't have to freak out.  In fact, keeping calm was good, as that way I could understand what the nurse or doctor was saying and so I wouldn't freak out Mason.  Kids are very sensitive to our reactions.  In fact, a few days ago I had a freak out moment where I was crying and upset and it really did scare him.  Luckily, Richard was home to assure Mase that mommy was okay.  But, I saw the fear on his face seeing me upset like that.  How scary it must be for a kid to see their parent's scared and upset.

Mason was acting like someone put RedBull in his juice cup, so I went right into Mom mode.  I think that distraction really helped.  In between putting his bike helmet on and playing catch, I called my husband, my sister and my mom.  I shared my results, but kept the conversations really brief.  There wasn't a lot to say... and frankly I was exhausted thinking about it, because it's all I've thought about for a month!

I still haven't broken down over the news.  I do feel relieved to have an answer and when I'm ready to make a plan, I have the information to go forward.  I am still mentally exhausted, so maybe my mind doesn't have the 'energy' to have a meltdown.  And, I'm also mindful that while this is inconvenient, it's not a crisis.  And, I'm very thankful that the dreaded 'inconclusive' result didn't happen.  So, I oddly, feel very content right now.  Much more content than I have in the past month.

I have a few appointments coming up, but I'm going to try not to dwell on those (at least until 48 hours before the appointment).  Honestly, I'm BRCA'd out.  To all you who have read, prayed and listened, THANK YOU!  I am SO BLESSED to have such amazing people around me.  I'll continue to update the blog, as it is really helpful for me to write it out, and then shut my computer and leave it all there.  I get to vomit it all out... then move on with my day.  And, since I start working again next week, I have plenty to keep me busy.

I'm taking each day as it comes.  But as for yesterday and today, they are still good days, so I'm going with that (as Richard would say "Ride her 'til she bucks you")!  I'm sure you will hear from me when it's a bad day, and that's okay, but I'm not there yet, so there is no reason to 'throw' myself in tizzy.

Family History

One thing that several people have asked along the way is "what prompted your sister to get tested?"  Here is a family tree...  I know this family tree is incomplete, but this captures family members, specifically women, with a history of cancer and goes all the way back to my great-great grandmother.  While this family tree focuses on the bad-ass females on my mom's side, it's important to point out that males can also carry the BRCA mutation and pass it on to their off-spring.  The mutation is passed on directly, meaning it must come from a parent.  It's not something that skips a generation.  While rates of breast cancer are more prevalent in the general population and with BRCA mutation carriers, ovarian cancer seems to be the Canote's female kryptonite.  And that is scary.  All cancer is scary.  However, breast cancer can be detected early and is typically treatable (but, goodness what a long road!).  Ovarian cancer is a bit of a silent killer.  It's much harder to detect and much harder to treat, which is why it is important to be proactive.  

I put this family tree together in 30 minutes using FamilyEcho.com.

My sister brought up 2 great points about our family history:

1.  Now we see why mom was on our case to get tested

2.  Thank goodness we have normal names like Jill and Julie and not Ethel, Olivine, and Mildred

Day 20 update:  No news yet.  However, Jessica (the most amazing nurse ever) called this morning to let me know that she had called the lab this morning to check on things and will be calling them back this afternoon to check on things again.  Okay, I know she is probably just as ready for me to get the results as I am, mainly so I quit calling and bugging her, but I also can tell she is genuinely on my side and is concerned.  She cares.  She 'gets it.'  I'm not just the 9:45 Tuesday appointment.  So shoutout to Jessica and the team at DHL's office!  

Update on my sister:  Jill has scheduled her hysterectomy for next week.  While the results are taking a while for me, it seems that once you come up with a plan, they move pretty fast (if you want to).  When she texted me her surgery date I thought "man, sh!t just got real!"  She's nervous.  But also at peace knowing that she's being proactive.  Again, while scary, we are reminded that this is a blessing.  Look at all the women of earlier generations who wished they had this warning.  

Turning my Pity Party into Productivity

Ok, so it was a tough day.  And that is okay.  My girlfriend (let's call her MS) is a spiritual guru.  She oozes gratitude and grace whatever season of life she's in.  I do good with the whole lean on Him thing when I'm strong, but when I'm weak and tired, it doesn't come so easy (I'm a work in progress). I told her that the whole Let Go, Let God thing just wasn't that easy for me (I suspect it's not alway easy for her but she makes it look effortless!).  She sent words of encouragement and encouraged me to pray and I told her I was tired of praying (insert scary thunder and lightening strike here!).  Her response: "I get that.  Just know when you aren't able to, I am."  Wow!  That was powerful and struck a chord.  I'm not even sure why, but it must have been exactly what I needed to hear!  Did I mention I have lots if brilliant, beautiful friends?!  

After a few hours of hosting my own pity party, I realized I can either spend this wait consumed with worry or I can put all that nervous energy into something positive and productive. So, after the hubs came home from work (and surprised me with a needed Starbucks pick me up!), I got to work...  I worked on a few crafty things and they actually turned out! Even better than the projects turning out, I was in the zone and felt 'normal' again.  My only worry was how kids could wear the turtle shell and that I had been mispronouncing the word 'nunchucks' my entire life.  

Mase absolutely loved my creations - his excitement was music to my ears.  A reminder that I am SO blessed.  Life doesn't have to stop during a storm... In fact, this is all the reason to push on!  Time to make a 'to do' list of things I want to accomplish the next few days.  

Day 17: Still exhausted and a bit livid.

I'm so tired.  Every day I wake up and tell myself 1. to be positive and not to be consumed by this and 2. maybe today will be the day.  I'm tired of having to give my self a pep talk every morning.  I'm hanging on to the fact that it will be 'just one more day.'

Finally, I took it upon myself to call Myriad labs.  So, now I've crossed the line from being that patient to being that certifiably crazy patient.  I didn't have anything to lose.  After giving them some information, I was able to speak with Rachel who was in charge of my case.  (Honestly, I was surprised I was able to talk to an actual person ~ wasn't really expecting that) I just wanted them to know that I am human and I feel like I have been held hostage (granted self-imposed) by them not releasing my results.  I know they are looking forward to their weekend, but I wasn't.  I'm dreading the weekend because I still don't have answers.  I just wanted them to hear that I'm more than a saliva sample.

The conversation went something like this:

Me:  Hi Rachel.  This is Julie Moss.
Rachel: Hi Julie.  I just closed out of your file.
Me:  You did?!  That's great!  Does that mean results will be coming soon?
Rachel: Yes.  We can now start to run your test.
Me:  (Barely able to speak from getting the proverbial wind knocked out of me)  You mean you haven't started my test yet?
Rachel:  Well, we were having some trouble with where to look.  We now know that and am starting your test.  I've put a rush on it.  The test usually takes 5-7 days.
Me:  (Literally out of breath and my heart pounding)  So you mean another week of waiting?
Rachel:  Yes
Me:  Okay.  I'm just so tired.
Rachel:  *Dead silence*
Me:  Thank you.  Bye.

I'm still not sure what the hold up is.  I would have thought since they have Jill's results, my results would have been much faster to locate.  Jill's test was like finding a needle in a haystack.  Her test will tell them exactly where my needle in the haystack is,  and somehow it's taking longer.

I'm frustrated.  And freaking exhausted.  And I wish I could call and give someone a piece of my mind, but 1. that isn't my style and 2. I don't even have the energy to do that if it were my style.

So... More waiting.  I'd give anything if someone would just knock me out and wake me up when this is over.  I catch myself thinking I just can't handle the stress anymore.  But, then I remember, that if BRCA+ the stress has just begun.  It's a marathon, not a sprint.  Thing is, I already feel like I ran that marathon, and now someone really did just pull the tape and say 'sorry, you still have a ways to go.'

Tomorrow will be a better day.

Thanks to all of you who have read the blog and sent sweet texts checking in.  It means a lot.

I know this will come to an end soon.  At least the waiting part.  And I know people who never 'get an end' to their hurt.  It could be worse.  Until then, I will put on my big girl panties and continue on...

Speaking of panties... If I'm BRCA+ that maybe means I would eventually get to throw away all those period panties.  Girls, you know the one's I'm talking about, right?!  That's the silver lining for today.

Day 15: I'm exhausted

Me:  Hi Jessica, it's Julie Moss.  Again.  Sorry to bother you but you said to call back today, so...  *Embarrassed that once again I am that patient*

Jessica:  Hi Julie.  Glad you called.  Let me call the lab and see what I can find out.   

Jessica calls back:  Julie, the lab has processed your sample and are wanting to compare it with your sister's sample since you are twins.  They wouldn't share the results over the phone, so if you don't hear from me by Friday mid-morning, please call back.  Hang in there.   

Me:  Thanks for checking Jessica, I'll call back Friday.  *Hangs up the phone with big tears welling up in my eyes.* 

What does that mean?!  I don't know.  Are they comparing results because I'm negative and Jill is positive?  I mean either I have the mutation or I don't, right?!  And then I remember, some people take the BRCA test and get an inconclusive result.  Was that it?  You would think my worse case scenario would be to get a BRCA+ result.  Nope.  I think an "inconclusive" result would be much worse.  Then, you just have all the worry and anxiety without all the options or support.

I went through and read previous posts, and it seems like I was holding up okay.   Today, I'm freaking exhausted of this whole thing.  It is consuming my thoughts.  I do try to control it, but it's difficult.  Even controlling it takes a lot of energy.  My family and friends have done a great job keeping me busy, inviting us over for playdates, etc (one even hosted a dinner party!  Thanks MB!).  But, it's still on my mind.  Always.  Anytime my phone is out of sight, I go into panic mode.  The anticipation of the call is constantly there.  I have tried praying when I feel anxious.  Honestly, I'm tired of praying.  I'm too tired to even find the words (lucky for me, He doesn't require words, he knows our heart).

I went through a tough struggle about 8 years ago and I remember believing that sleep was God's band-aid.  Sleep was an escape.  I'm not sleeping well.  Can you worry in your sleep?  The answer is YES!  My forehead aches.  Not a headache, like the muscles in my forehead hurt from the constant worried scowl perhaps some botox is in order after this whole cluster.  Kidding!.  My husband offers to let me nap, but my thoughts make it hard for me to get rest.  I've officially 'gone Canote.'  I feel like I've mentally ran a marathon and as I am about to cross the finish line, they pull the tape away and tell me I have another 10k to go.  I don't have a choice but to wait.  But I am TIRED!

So, there's always a silver lining right?  Here's my silver lining for today.  Richard was laying down with Mason yesterday night and I'm in bed checking my email when this email pops up.  It goes a little like this:

From:  Richard
To:  Julie, Jill
Subject:  Howdy Sexy Ladies - Not Junk Mail :) 

Ladies,
I was reading some Facebook messages/comments from Jill's page where people were talking about the BRCA.  They were wishing luck, prayers and wishing you didn't have the BRCA.  If I spell things incorrectly or write poorly, just remember I failed college, barely passed high school and I make over {yadi-yada}k a year.  So, miracles do happen.  It's no accident that you two ended up exactly the way you are.  To create two twins with breathtaking beauty, that extends inside and out as yours does is NO ACCIDENT.  It's NO MISTAKE you're made just how you are.  When God lined the two of you up in his factory He knew exactly what He was making.  He was making a couple of beautiful twin girls that would CHANGE PEOPLES LIVES.  For starters you have absolutely changed mine, Jack's, Jackson's and Mason's.  You have both touched so many people across this globe that it's no mistake you were made exactly how you were.  The mutant gene is no mistake.  If it's part of God's plan that our families were blessed with the ability to learn about this gene early, He has truly blessed us AGAIN.  He's put us in a place to build our game plan.  I know it's scary and I know you both have a lot of anxiety.  Just know that God built you and He did an amazing job.  I know that this little test or curve in the road must have a purpose.  It's not by mistake that it's our family.  God doesn't give you more than you can handle and the two of you are VERY STRONG.  I'm so proud to be married to you Julie and so proud to be your BIL Jill.  You're amazing ladies and basically wanted you to know that God was inspired when he made you girls.  He truly was and if that gene is a part of your DNA it doesn't change what magnificent creations you truly are.  I know this is a challenge, but you're both up for it.  You can absolutely handle it and you can absolutely dominate this shit!  You're a remarkable pair and we are all so gosh darn lucky to have been selected to live life with you.  I know things will work out.  I know we will take care of this hiccup.  I know you all can do it.  Hold your heads high and push your shoulders back.  Get that little hitch back in your swag and go kick the crap outta this BRCA stuff.
RM

See why I love him so much?!  So, SO BLESSED!  And tired.

Day 14: Bring it!

I have good days and bad days.  All my days are good.  I do have high anxiety days and low anxiety days.  As the clock ticks on, my anxiety increases.  The call has got to come soon, right?  RIGHT?  As I've said before, I can handle whatever news they have to give me, I'm just ready to hear the news.  Bring it,  BRCA bitches!  (Obviously, this morning was an Eminen morning and not a Rend Collective morning.)

So while I am waiting on my results I am still counting my blessings (because really besides napping or binge eating, is there any better way to spend your time?).  I've shared this blog with a few of my friends and the feedback has been amazing.  Goodness, I am surrounded by the most AMAZING women ever.  Always have been... Like even before I was born (since my Gill and I shared a womb). 

Speaking of Gill, she goes in on Thursday to discuss options.  There are a lot of options, but quite honestly, they all suck none of them are easy decisions.  I know she's nervous.  Just like those few  times she was called into the high school principal's office. Although now she's not being asked about being at a party, she's being asked to make life altering decisions.  I'm nervous for her.  I'm nervous for me.  

Worrying runs in our genes apparently this BRCA gene isn't the only thing we got from my mom's side of the family.  My sweet Grandpa Canote, my mom's dad, was a notorious worrier.  A big heart and a creative mind can make for some serious worriers.  As Jill would say "Are you going Canote?" (as in are you going postal).

So Jill, here's to 'going all Canote' together.  If your lady bits are ticking time bombs, it's time to call in the boobie bomb squad.  

As far as my results... still no news.  I'm purely putting that out there to the BRCA angels ~ sort of like how it usually rains right after you wash your car.  Still holding out hope I will hear something today.  So, let it rain.

Day 13: Keeping Busy. And still waiting.

No news over the weekend...  Although I did keep my phone close by and my ringer up in case my doctor just happened to be working.

My husband was off this weekend which helped a lot.  We kept busy by visiting family.  Sunday morning we went to church (shout out to Osage Hills!).  It's amazing how when you go to church, you often hear EXACTLY what you need to hear.  Some call it a coincidence.  My mom always called those God winks.  

These lyrics hit home and I found myself fighting back tears of joy as I sang them am I the only one who starts singing and has to fight by tears?  It also happens during the National Anthem.  Truth be told, I can't sing, so I usually just mumble the words under my breath. 

My Lighthouse by Rend Collective

In my wrestling and in my doubts
In my failures You won't walk out
You're great love will lead me through
You are the peace in my troubled sea
You are the peace in my troubled sea

In the silence You won't let go
In the questions Your truth will hold
Your great love will lead me through
You are the peace in my troubled sea
You are the peace in my troubled sea

My lighthouse 
My lighthouse
Shining in the darkness I will follow You

My lighthouse
My lighthouse
I will trust the promise
You will carry me safe to shore
Safe to shore

I won't fear what tomorrow brings
With each morning I'll rise and sing
My God's love will lead me through
You are the peace in my troubled sea
You are the peace in my troubled sea

Fire before us You're the brightest
You will lead us through the storms

I really find comfort in music.  All music.  I was thinking I need a theme song/playlist for this journey.  So far, my playlist is composed of My Lighthouse by Rend Collective and I'm Not Afraid by Eminem.  How's that for an eclectic taste in music?  If you logged into my iTunes, you'd probably think I was bipolar.  Really, I'm not.  I just appreciate all types of music.  Except the blues.  Which is probably considered a sin on the Moss side of the family. 

"Too much quiet time in my house makes for a noisy time in my head."

So, I officially became one of those patients today…  I called my doctor's office and spoke with Jessica, the super nice nurse that administered my test.  My conversation went something like this:

Hi Jessica, this is Julie Moss.  I took that BRCA test early last week.  Hey, I know you are busy and have real things to do today, but I would feel so much better if I just had some sort of information.  I know they can't speed up my test, but I'd just like something.  I'm going crazy up in here!   

Jessica called Myriad to check on my test probably as she was noting in my chart my unstable emotional state.  All they could say was that they have my sample and are working on it.  While it's not a ton of information, it is something.  At least I know the wheels are turning.  They've confirmed my test did not fall out of the FedEx airplane.  And, no fire :).

During the day when I stay busy I am fine.  But at night, when Mason has gone to bed and Richard has started to doze off, I start to worry.  Too much quiet time in my house makes for a noisy time in my head.  Last night, right before I went to sleep (which isn't super easy these days), I remember a few tears falling down my cheeks.  It wasn't even close to a full on crying session so I clearly wasn't a total mess.  To be honest, at the time, I wasn't even sure why the tears were falling.  I was thinking that things could be SO much worse.  Tears were falling and I still felt really blessed.

I had scrolled through my Facebook page (because isn't that what people do when they can't sleep?) and saw something about a child with cancer.   I cannot begin to imagine what that kid and his parents are going through.  I know I can handle anything, but having a terminally ill kid might just do me in.  Then, this morning, I saw a video of a soldier's coffin being transported and the ceremony that takes place during the transport.  I saw that and thought that some family lost their mom/dad; siblings lost a brother/sister; and parents lost a child.  I also felt patriotic watching and impressed how hundreds of strangers stood quietly observing this stranger hero.  There is a lot of pain in this world that warrants agony and tears.  These images put my little journey into perspective.

So, as I write this, I think I know what the tears were about.  While my head, and my heart to some extent, knows that everything will be okay, my heart is scared.  Scared of what?  I'm not sure…  I know I can handle a positive result.  I know my family will do whatever it needs to do to ensure I can 'fix' whatever is wrong.  I know my marriage is solid and will only grow stronger.  I know I have the sweetest kid sleeping in the next room.  Life is f'n great good.  Actually it is WAY better than good.
I've been trying to prepare myself for a positive BRCA result, but still catch myself fantasizing about a BRCA negative result.  It's a blessing that my twin sister was tested, which prompted me to get tested.  But, its also made this process harder that I don't have the luxury to fall back on the safety of the numbers.  My sister got the comfort of knowing that only one in 500 test positive for this mutation (of course, then she got blindsided with the BRCA+ results).  I carry the weight of knowing my twin sister has the mutation, so I don't get the weeks of waiting with 'odds on my side.'  Odds are not on my side.  But, God is.  And family is.  And really, that's all that matters.

Gotta go… That's my sweet sister calling to check on me.  She's dealing with her own shitstorm journey, yet still takes the time to check in on me.  Told you, everybody deserves a Gill!