God, Just Help Me Make It Through the Day... Amen.

Last night was rough.  The endorphins of the cancer diagnosis has worn off.  Our mom's have gone home.  The high of the clean nodes news has worn off.  I'm tired. And my anxiety is THROUGH.THE.ROOF.  Last night I went to bed and called Richard in to lay down with me.  I just couldn't stand being alone with all the anxiety.  He asked me what I was anxious about and I couldn't even tell him.  I'm anxious about LIFE.  All of it.

Here's the the thing:  Estrogen helps regulate your mood and anxiety.  After my hysterectomy, I was put on hormone replacement therapy and that was working great.  But I don't get that option anymore.  Oh, and I had a mastectomy.  And a surprise breast cancer diagnosis.  And I hurt.  And I have chemo to look forward to and all the awesomeness that brings, like losing my hair, nausea and stomach cramps.  At times, it just seems like too much.  I'm the first to say it is too much.  I will fight through.
I have no choice.  But honestly, right now, it feel like I am just barely making it.  And that's okay.  I'm making it.

You know the point of chemo?  I had never thought about it.  But I'm pretty sure the point is to poison your body enough to kill the cancer and not kill you in the process.  What a fun balancing that act that's going to be {note my sarcasm}.  Yes, I know I should be thankful for chemo and medicine and all that jazz.  But right now, I'm just too tired.

So, last night, Richard and I prayed.  We thanked God for our family and our friends.  We thanked him for our sweet little Mase and Mason's health.  We thanked him for our health.  We asked that he help our family with this transition and the anxiety.  We praised him for the good and asked him to help us deal with the bad.

And, at 2:30 am when I woke up with a hot flash (I have about 1-3 a night that last just a few minutes each), my amazing husband immediately got up and got me a cold neck wrap out of the freezer and opened a window.  There was no rolling over and groggily asking if I needed anything, he just immediately got up and came to my rescue.  Sometimes, he even returns back to bed with a small bowl of frozen grapes (ladies who have hot flashes take note!).  At 2:30 in the morning.  He's that awesome!  He's come to my rescue every second I have needed him the past two weeks.  He is amazing.  I can't wait to share a little about how awesome he has been to me, but again, I am too tired to go into that right now.

And, this morning, I woke up and before getting out of bed, I prayed that God help me make it through the day.  I told myself that in my anxious moments, may I turn to him before I fall apart.  And, I got up and started the day.  I'm tired, but I haven't fallen apart today, and that is a win.